Bits From my Brain

This is a ramble of thoughts. i am just writing thoughts out as they come so hopefully it will make at least some sense.

-i miss Kahwaii so badly it hurts all over my body. i have cried what feels like an ocean of tears. But i don't think i've had a chance to fully grieve my loss because i feel like i have to watch over Master as She isn't taking the breakup very well. i've had to remind Her that She needs to eat and to keep putting one foot in front of another. The day after Kahwaii broke up with Master and i i was very hurt. We were supposed to go to the wedding of some friends but we ended up cancelling and just hanging out the two of us. We went and saw a cute movie and went out for dinner.

-i keep trying to tell myself that nothing is permanent and that some people aren't meant to be in your life story forever but i don't feel like the story that Master and i were writing with Kahwaii was over yet. There were so many things left to experience with her. But maybe she was meant to be in our lives for a short period of time to teach us how to poly better so that if/when the next opportunity comes up i/we will be better prepared for it. i don't want that, right now i just want her back.

-i feel guilty for Master loosing Kahwaii. If it weren't for my problems, the two of them could be together. i have even gone so far as to suggest that the two of them carry on without me, which they both declined. i know i have a lot of baggage with my borderline personality disorder and have been trying to work on getting my emotions under control.

-i want so badly to hate Kahwaii. It would make this easier. i could say good riddance and move on. But i can't. She means so much to me and i can't just turn those feeling off as i have discovered.

-Master and i have been talking nonstop. There are things that we have agreed that need to be worked on, longstanding problems that we have been brushing aside lately. Things that if you went back years in the blog you'd probably find being mentioned there like my obedience and Her consistency and our differing needs for sex and play.

-Last night, for the first time in a long time Master and i danced in our kitchen without music, something we used to do regularly. As we slowly turned and twirled in silence i could feel us reconnecting. It was a beautiful moment and one that i will remember for a while. We need more of these moments.

-Master told me last night how She is proud of me for staying calm and level headed (i think those were the words She used) through all of this, especially since i have been off my meds for about a week and a half now. i think this goes back to what i said earlier about having to take care of Her and trying to remember the impermanence stuff. i am proud of myself for not shutting down and resorting to cutting to manage my sadness or getting angry and raging (both of which have crossed my mind). i am trying to stay emotionally stable and keep busy so that i can let time and distance heal my wounds. As a nurse i know that a deep wound must heal from the bottom up, it can't just close over or it will abscess. Healing from an emotional wound is similar, if i try to just seal it over then i could create bigger problems for down the road. i am learning the hard way from being with Kahwaii that i need to deal with my shit as it happens so i can fully devote myself to my present relationship rather than it rearing it's ugly head at a later date.

-i want to turn to our Leather family but i know they have a lot of their own shit to deal with right now and don't want to burden them with more problems. Who does one talk to then? i told my mom and she didn't seem to care all that much. We have a bunch of acquaintances but not a lot of close friends that i would talk to about this shit. We can only afford for me to see my psychologist once a month.

-Last night one of Kahwaii's other subs came to pick up Kahwaii's vape that she left here the day she came over to break up with us. i gave her a can of diet squirt (long story) to give to her in hopes that Kahwaii will realize that we are still thinking about her and miss her terribly.

-Kahwaii was our first and because of that there will always be a special place in my heart for her.