Update

Lately things around here have been pretty busy. i've been packing and getting us organized for moving. Last week Lee's mom was here visiting us. While she was here she helped us take our four cats to the vet. Lee and i have been going to places and doing things that we want to get done before leaving Victoria. She only has 2 more weeks of work left then we have a few days to go hiking one last time on my favorite trail (we're still deciding if we have time to make it an overnight) and do a few other things. i've also been busy with my course.

On the kink side of life, there hasn't been much time for that unfortunately. The other day i surprised Lee when she came home from work dressed sexy. We had a great evening of sex. i begged Lee to fist me which She happily obliged. Hopefully we will have time before we move to do the interrogation scene that we have been talking about.

Well, that's about all for now. i'll try to write again soon.

Moving Plans

There is only six weeks until we move.

We are doing well for savings. The more the better though, right?
Our flights are booked.
We only need to get one more kennel for the cats.
We are going to keep our sleeping bags unpacked and just sleep here on the floor the last night rather than going to a hotel as we had first planned so that will save us a bit of money.
It looks like i  should be getting my new licence any day now so then i can start applying for jobs. i guess i need to work on my resume.
We are going to take all of the cats to the vet when Lee's mom is here for a visit in a few weeks so we don't have to take them on the bus.
We have started to look at places online and my mom has agreed to go look at a place if we find one we really think we might like. Lee really wants to find a house or a duplex with a basement.
i have packed a few boxes, just books, but i have started.

There are a few things we want to do/see here before we move so we need to make a plan of action for that.

The time is going to fly and i need to get more organized or soon things are really going  to pile upon me. i am also taking an online class right now so that needs my attention too.

Oh yeah, and there's that interrogation scene that we are planning. It's happening next week.

Polyamory

Why am i interested in polyamory? What benefits do i see it having on our relationship? This is this week's assigned topic.

Before i answer Lee's question i though it would be best to mention how Lee and i envision our poly relationship. i'm sure that i've mentioned before that Lee and i have talked about one day having a third woman join our relationship but i don't know how detailed i have described our ideal situation. So here it is. We want someone who would want to be in a closed poly relationship (i think that's the term... what i mean is that it would be a three way relationship, no outside romantic partners, maybe non-sexual play partners, we haven't quite decided on that yet). Our ideal woman would be a sub with some switching tendencies or a switch that usually bottoms. We envision the sleeping arrangement as Lee having the primary bedroom and our partner and i would share a second bedroom. Our partner and i would alternate each night between the two rooms, so one of would would be with Lee while the other has the second bedroom and then trade the next night. Lee has said that She would want both of us to sleep with Her on occasion too. Working and household responsibilities are kind of up in the air and depends on what our partner did career wise and how service orientated they were.

So on to answering Lee's question...

i think that the biggest reason that i am interested in pursuing  a poly relationship is the additional emotional support. With an additional person around when one of us is having a bad day there are more people to give support. This also means that the burden of being the "supporter" is shared. Lee and i don't have a large circle of friends and having another person in an intimate relationship would be nice.

Money may not be everything but let's be honest, it is definitely nice to be financially well off. Having a third person in a household meas that we could have at least two full time incomes, maybe even two full time and one part time and still maintain our household the way that Lee wants.

And then there are the sexual benefits. A new person brings new ideas and experiences. She may have new techniques, scene ideas, etc. that Lee or i haven't thought of. She may also push boundaries further than we are currently comfortable with (in a good way). Having a third person would open up new possibilities for scene ideas that are just not possible with only two people. Also, if one of is "in the mood" and the other isn't maybe our partner will be and there will be less stress in that regard.

submissive vs. slave

What is the difference between a submissive and a slave? This is the topic that Lee has asked me to write about this week. The problem is that i don't really know. i have said before that i identify more as a slave than submissive so i should know.

Before i start, i want to preface what i am about to say: these are only my opinions.  If you don't agree with part or all of it, that is fine. 

A submissive has more choice in submitting. They have more freedom to decide when and what they will submit themselves to. The submissive has their own limits and requirements for the relationship.

A slave agrees to submit to their Master at the beginning of their relationship and after that they have no choice but to obey all demands placed upon them. They have no limits except for what their Master decides for them.

Another way of looking at it is who has the final say- the Top/Dom/Master or the bottom/submissive/slave. If the Top has the final say, then the bottom is a slave, but if the bottom has the final say then they are a submissive.

i call myself a slave because i have given over control to Lee. She make the decisions in our relationship even if those decisions are to have me make choices. For example, She has told me that one of my duties is meal planning. i have the time to be able to spend on planning our daily meals and snacks, i know Her food preferences and i am good at organizing and preparing healthy, nutritious food. Lee has given me this duty knowing that it is something that i am good at doing. She has told me that, if is She wants or feels it is necessary, that She will review my plan but in general She trusts me to make the right choices for us. 

i'm going to end here. i know this is short but i think that i have captured my feelings and given Lee what She was looking for (and really, that's the important part!)

Controlling my Short Fuse

i have a short fuse.  Lee told me to write about ways to help reduce my outburst this week. 

i think that it has a lot to do with my illness ( i think have mentioned before that i have Borderline Personality Disorder). So by taking my medications will hopefully help reduce the frequency of the outbursts and the strength of them when i do have one.

I also have a problem with my pride which translates into not backing down when Lee and i have an argument.  i want to be right and will get very stubborn about holding my position.  i'm not sure how to change that. I think that i just need Lee to not back down and in time will learn.

I really don't know what to tell Her. I don't know how to stop my outbursts or diffuse them. Hmmm…. Let me think….

Ok, here's what i have come up with so far:

Have Lee remind me that She is in charge, won't accept this behavior, etc. when She sees that i am beginning to escalate;

Lee needs to stay in control during those times, i need to learn that i can't win by acting up;

Have a time out to calm down, with the order from Lee to think about what happened/why i am acting this way/something similar;

i think punishment would help me feel like  Lee is in charge (physically dominating me??), a hard spanking or some other physical punishment;

After the time out i need to apologize to Lee, which i hate to admit, i don't always do (there's that pride thing again).

Also, i wonder if praise or other rewards when i am being a good slave would re-enforce good behavior and therefore reduce  bad behavior?

Charting the outbursts (what lead up to it, what i did during and how it was resolved) may help me/Her/us see a pattern and be able to better understand why they happen and therefore be able to tailor a behavior modification plan towards the cause(s) and what worked to diffuse it.

i think i'm out ideas for now. Anyone have any suggestions?

Listening Skills

Something i need to work much harder on is listening to Lee when She tells me to do something that i don't want to do. i could go on and on listing examples, when we're out, when we're home, when i'm tired, when i'm mad……

For what ever reason, i get it in my head that what i want/say/need is priority at that moment. i need to get my own way.

i know it hurts Her when i don't listen and i feel awful afterwards. I can almost see Her ego taking the hit when i do, especially when we're in public and She "can't order me around".

I think that part of it is that i know that, for the most part, i will get  away with it. If Lee tries to challenge me, i spout off any number of reasons why i am in the right. And She usually relents.

i really don't know how to curb this horrible habit it but i know that i need to. i think that this could be one of those issues that could be a D/s deal breaker in the long run. i know that if i was in Her place i wouldn't put up with it for a second.

Getting Beaten

Yesterday afternoon Madam went to a couple of workshops about topping. Last night Lee played with me using some of the techniques She learned. Instead of using toys, She used Her body to give me pain.  The feelings that it evoked were amazing. It's almost indescribable. Such a juxtaposition of feelings. i felt safe  by the woman who was kicking me, loved by the woman punching me, cherished by the woman who was pulling my hair. She had ordered me to keep my eyes closed, which She praised me for doing so well, and that had a two-fold effect on me. The first being that i was very on edge about what was going to happen. The second thing was that i really noticed Her perfume on Her wrists when She had Her hands on my throat, my sense of smell was heightened a bit i guess.

Once She was done beating me, we laid on the floor for a while and it took me a while to process what we had done. After a bit i noticed the stirring in my loins, i was very turned on. While we were actively playing i was too wrapped up in the feelings of pain to notice but now that i had "come down" they were front and center. Madam started to kiss me and we ended up having hot sex right there on the floor where we had collapsed to after playing.

We moved into our bed as it was late and had a short post-play chat about how we each felt about the new techniques and such.  When i started to get sleepy Madam turned the lights off and i snuggled up behind my protector and drifted to sleep with a big smile on my face.

 It has been a while since we have had a "good scene" (that doesn't sound right but i can't think of how to word it differently). I think it had a very positive effect on me, today i feel more submissive than in the recent past. And that's definitely a good thing.