It's been how long!?

So it's been a year and a half since our last post, but I'm basically going to just pretend it was yesterday and just jump right back into the thick of it and hope some fine folks are still interested in reading:)

Since moving here our Ds has gone through many ups and downs. We were on a downwards slope leading up to moving and since getting here we haven't been able to really find our stride for more than a short stint at a time. I know we have both gone through times where we aren't really feeling it for ourselves and need the other to pick up the slack first, but it's kind of the chicken and the egg dilemma. I do better at Domming when elle is already in that slave frame of mind, and she can get there easier when I am showing My control over her. Yes as "The Domme" I guess it is up to Me, I am in charge after all, but is it totally weak Domme behaviour to ask her to help Me (us) get there? Probably. Though I have never fit the combat boots or stillettos of born-to-be Dommes so I guess I should just stick to My own comfy shoes instead.

Two weekends ago we had a great scene where I kicked her for the first time with My (combat, lol) boots on. It was great on both ends. She drifted away for a while which I haven't managed to get her to do in quite some time and she even asked if I might give her a repeat the next night because it was so good for her...I did. It was a fantastic three days and for a few days following she stayed more in her submissive mind frame. We are on a bit of an upswing at the moment where we find it easier to continue at least the smaller aspects of the dynamic and rules.

What makes it harder to continue and built upon this is a) Me being tired a good lot of the time even with sleeping pills b) a few days here and there of conflicting work schedules where we don't even see each other for a few days and c) unexpected moods that make it harder to judge how and where to assert Myself. Lately I have been more Daddy than Madam and we both feel that Madam just really doesn't suit our dynamic. I'm more of a sweet Daddy that makes her little girl feel better, a naughty Daddy that make her little girl feel better wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and a Daddy Domme or Lee that kicks, punches and slaps, ect, her slave. I have to figure out how to be a Daddy Domme in a non-physical way to bring that control into our daily lives and leave sweet and naughty to more specific occasions. I think I will shortly be changing My name on fetlife from MadamLee to something more fitting. 

elle is now on her third of four evening shifts. Two where okay because they were on the weekend so we get the morning together as I'm off, but now I wont see her again until Wednesday after I'm off work. I do like My alone time as I'm sure she likes hers too, but I always feel after that I put even more pressure on Myself to step up to make up for the missed few days which usually means of course it doesn't happen and I beat Myself up more and then I go into more of a self loathing spiral for once again failing. This dynamic would flow a lot easier if we could both manage to take the pressure off ourselves and afforded ourselves the room to fumble. Maybe we will learn that in the years to come.

Anyway, before I started writing this, I read back through a number of the more recent posts that we had and I feel a bit more of a renewed belief that we did this fairy well before and we can again and I realized I really need to get back to writing as well because I really enjoyed working on the story I put a brief excerpt from in here. 

Well, not really anything juicy to this post, but I plan to update frequently and to have elle doing so as well. Come on back soon and I'll try to make it more worth your while;) Perhaps I will give elle some new writing assignments too.  

Update

Lately things around here have been pretty busy. i've been packing and getting us organized for moving. Last week Lee's mom was here visiting us. While she was here she helped us take our four cats to the vet. Lee and i have been going to places and doing things that we want to get done before leaving Victoria. She only has 2 more weeks of work left then we have a few days to go hiking one last time on my favorite trail (we're still deciding if we have time to make it an overnight) and do a few other things. i've also been busy with my course.

On the kink side of life, there hasn't been much time for that unfortunately. The other day i surprised Lee when she came home from work dressed sexy. We had a great evening of sex. i begged Lee to fist me which She happily obliged. Hopefully we will have time before we move to do the interrogation scene that we have been talking about.

Well, that's about all for now. i'll try to write again soon.

Moving Plans

There is only six weeks until we move.

We are doing well for savings. The more the better though, right?
Our flights are booked.
We only need to get one more kennel for the cats.
We are going to keep our sleeping bags unpacked and just sleep here on the floor the last night rather than going to a hotel as we had first planned so that will save us a bit of money.
It looks like i  should be getting my new licence any day now so then i can start applying for jobs. i guess i need to work on my resume.
We are going to take all of the cats to the vet when Lee's mom is here for a visit in a few weeks so we don't have to take them on the bus.
We have started to look at places online and my mom has agreed to go look at a place if we find one we really think we might like. Lee really wants to find a house or a duplex with a basement.
i have packed a few boxes, just books, but i have started.

There are a few things we want to do/see here before we move so we need to make a plan of action for that.

The time is going to fly and i need to get more organized or soon things are really going  to pile upon me. i am also taking an online class right now so that needs my attention too.

Oh yeah, and there's that interrogation scene that we are planning. It's happening next week.

Polyamory

Why am i interested in polyamory? What benefits do i see it having on our relationship? This is this week's assigned topic.

Before i answer Lee's question i though it would be best to mention how Lee and i envision our poly relationship. i'm sure that i've mentioned before that Lee and i have talked about one day having a third woman join our relationship but i don't know how detailed i have described our ideal situation. So here it is. We want someone who would want to be in a closed poly relationship (i think that's the term... what i mean is that it would be a three way relationship, no outside romantic partners, maybe non-sexual play partners, we haven't quite decided on that yet). Our ideal woman would be a sub with some switching tendencies or a switch that usually bottoms. We envision the sleeping arrangement as Lee having the primary bedroom and our partner and i would share a second bedroom. Our partner and i would alternate each night between the two rooms, so one of would would be with Lee while the other has the second bedroom and then trade the next night. Lee has said that She would want both of us to sleep with Her on occasion too. Working and household responsibilities are kind of up in the air and depends on what our partner did career wise and how service orientated they were.

So on to answering Lee's question...

i think that the biggest reason that i am interested in pursuing  a poly relationship is the additional emotional support. With an additional person around when one of us is having a bad day there are more people to give support. This also means that the burden of being the "supporter" is shared. Lee and i don't have a large circle of friends and having another person in an intimate relationship would be nice.

Money may not be everything but let's be honest, it is definitely nice to be financially well off. Having a third person in a household meas that we could have at least two full time incomes, maybe even two full time and one part time and still maintain our household the way that Lee wants.

And then there are the sexual benefits. A new person brings new ideas and experiences. She may have new techniques, scene ideas, etc. that Lee or i haven't thought of. She may also push boundaries further than we are currently comfortable with (in a good way). Having a third person would open up new possibilities for scene ideas that are just not possible with only two people. Also, if one of is "in the mood" and the other isn't maybe our partner will be and there will be less stress in that regard.

submissive vs. slave

What is the difference between a submissive and a slave? This is the topic that Lee has asked me to write about this week. The problem is that i don't really know. i have said before that i identify more as a slave than submissive so i should know.

Before i start, i want to preface what i am about to say: these are only my opinions.  If you don't agree with part or all of it, that is fine. 

A submissive has more choice in submitting. They have more freedom to decide when and what they will submit themselves to. The submissive has their own limits and requirements for the relationship.

A slave agrees to submit to their Master at the beginning of their relationship and after that they have no choice but to obey all demands placed upon them. They have no limits except for what their Master decides for them.

Another way of looking at it is who has the final say- the Top/Dom/Master or the bottom/submissive/slave. If the Top has the final say, then the bottom is a slave, but if the bottom has the final say then they are a submissive.

i call myself a slave because i have given over control to Lee. She make the decisions in our relationship even if those decisions are to have me make choices. For example, She has told me that one of my duties is meal planning. i have the time to be able to spend on planning our daily meals and snacks, i know Her food preferences and i am good at organizing and preparing healthy, nutritious food. Lee has given me this duty knowing that it is something that i am good at doing. She has told me that, if is She wants or feels it is necessary, that She will review my plan but in general She trusts me to make the right choices for us. 

i'm going to end here. i know this is short but i think that i have captured my feelings and given Lee what She was looking for (and really, that's the important part!)

Controlling my Short Fuse

i have a short fuse.  Lee told me to write about ways to help reduce my outburst this week. 

i think that it has a lot to do with my illness ( i think have mentioned before that i have Borderline Personality Disorder). So by taking my medications will hopefully help reduce the frequency of the outbursts and the strength of them when i do have one.

I also have a problem with my pride which translates into not backing down when Lee and i have an argument.  i want to be right and will get very stubborn about holding my position.  i'm not sure how to change that. I think that i just need Lee to not back down and in time will learn.

I really don't know what to tell Her. I don't know how to stop my outbursts or diffuse them. Hmmm…. Let me think….

Ok, here's what i have come up with so far:

Have Lee remind me that She is in charge, won't accept this behavior, etc. when She sees that i am beginning to escalate;

Lee needs to stay in control during those times, i need to learn that i can't win by acting up;

Have a time out to calm down, with the order from Lee to think about what happened/why i am acting this way/something similar;

i think punishment would help me feel like  Lee is in charge (physically dominating me??), a hard spanking or some other physical punishment;

After the time out i need to apologize to Lee, which i hate to admit, i don't always do (there's that pride thing again).

Also, i wonder if praise or other rewards when i am being a good slave would re-enforce good behavior and therefore reduce  bad behavior?

Charting the outbursts (what lead up to it, what i did during and how it was resolved) may help me/Her/us see a pattern and be able to better understand why they happen and therefore be able to tailor a behavior modification plan towards the cause(s) and what worked to diffuse it.

i think i'm out ideas for now. Anyone have any suggestions?

Listening Skills

Something i need to work much harder on is listening to Lee when She tells me to do something that i don't want to do. i could go on and on listing examples, when we're out, when we're home, when i'm tired, when i'm mad……

For what ever reason, i get it in my head that what i want/say/need is priority at that moment. i need to get my own way.

i know it hurts Her when i don't listen and i feel awful afterwards. I can almost see Her ego taking the hit when i do, especially when we're in public and She "can't order me around".

I think that part of it is that i know that, for the most part, i will get  away with it. If Lee tries to challenge me, i spout off any number of reasons why i am in the right. And She usually relents.

i really don't know how to curb this horrible habit it but i know that i need to. i think that this could be one of those issues that could be a D/s deal breaker in the long run. i know that if i was in Her place i wouldn't put up with it for a second.