For the past two weeks we have been living in a minimized 24/7 D/s dynamic to give us a chance to focus on a few rituals and rules. The idea was to take a step back so we could work slowly into this way of living over jumping in with both feet first as we did initially.
The relaxed dynamic has both been good, and not so good. When we decided on this route, I knew I had a lot of learning and personal growth do to before I could realistically take on the full responsibility of being elle's Domme. I need to work on My assertiveness, My leadership skills, and My ability to influence elle to name a few. I have been reading books to help Me on My journey and they are quite interesting, but I wouldn't say I have truly learned anything of use in the short term. I know it all takes time, but the longer it takes the less I feel I have any control over elle. At least while we were going full board she did try to be on the journey with Me, now I feel more like I am running a three-legged race alone.
I know a big issue with our dynamic comes from My lack of assertiveness and really showing her I'm in control, hence the books, etc., but elle also has a hard time giving up power, giving up control, and being a perfectionist. I don't feel she is trying to improve upon herself. Instead I feel she is just leaving it up to Me to figure out how to take the power and control and make...MAKE...her submit. she tells Me over and over that she really wants to submit to Me and I do believe her, yet in general lately I don't see signs of this. There is one place where elle is really a great submissive and that is at the weekly munch. Sadly though she isn't submissive at these meetings because of My dominance. No, she is submissive at these meeting so she won't embarrass Me or have anyone think that I can't control her. To me that pretty much shows how little I do control her. People there see this and see her proudly wearing her collar but I feel it isn't really us and anyone who was a fly on the wall for a day would see just how Domme-less I really am.
At home she is sarcastically mouthy, bratty with playfulness, and listening less and less to any attempt I make at dominance. It is so frustrating because as her partner I love her "attitude" but as her Domme it's like a big neon sign that flashes in front of My face that says "You can't control me!" I'm at a loss for what to do. She won't submit without My making her with My dominance and I can't dominate without her giving Me submission. We were supposed to talk about all this on My work weekend, but we haven't had a chance to yet and now that I'm here thinking this over I'm just not sure what the next step is. I do know, we won't be adding any new rules or rituals yet as we had hoped to be able to do this week. We can't even manage the few that we have.
elle I love you so much and I really do want this dynamic to work and just flow freely from each of us, but it is not quite headed in the right direction yet. I know we will get there. Each day though that I feel my control become less I grow more paranoid that the next upset is right around the corner and you won't want me ever again as your Domme. What do I need to do?
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