Sometimes I find it very hard to feel Dommely when other areas of My life seem so out of My control that I am frustrated, depressed, or just plain tired. Take My work for example. I sell shoes. My wage is commission based and so there is a lot of pressure I put on Myself to sell, sell, sell, without being one of those super annoying, pushy sales people...I don't really have the personality for that anyway. When I first started, My mom didn't think I would do very well because I am quiet and not really a social person, but she was wrong and nearly every month I have ranked second for sales in the company, which is quite impressive considering the number one position has been held by a guy that has been working for this company for twelve years!
But I hate My job. A job that has Me judging My self worth based on My daily sales is not enjoyable. I know there is a lot more to My worth than how I do during those eight hours, five days a week, but when those hours dictate My income and whether bills will be easy to pay or debt will just continue hanging over our heads it's hard to separate and not see Myself as a failure when those days go poorly. And when they go poorly so, it seems, does My control over elle. If she fights against My control when I'm in a mood, then I more often than not just drop it rather than pushing through like I do other times. I'm not sure how to separate My work irritation from My ability to control My slave.
On the bad work days, I just want to come home and curl up in My girls arms and have her take it all away. But usually our bad days over lap and I brush aside what I'm feeling to try to comfort her. It makes Me temporarily better to be able to make her feel better, but then I never fully deal with what I'm feeling. It just builds and builds until I am so frustrated at work that I just want to start beating My wishy-washy, time wasting, "you are my servant" thinking customers with the shoes I'm desperately needing to sell them! Going postal? No. Going commissioned sales clerk, more like. If only we sold stilettoes!
I would love to be a writer or photographer instead, but that's not practical. Maybe once elle is working full time as a nurse, I can just work part time somewhere and write part time, but that would have to be like five years down the road once debt was cleared and all we needed to worry about where current bills and not crap left behind by exes and My doormat days. Oh ain't life grand.
I'm not really sure what My point for this post really was. I know I bitch and complain in My posts far more than I want to be. I want to just write about how amazing our D/s is and it really is getting better and better, with a step back now and then, but I'm back to work tomorrow and I'm already dreading another week there. If I knew what to take, I would go back to school if I really felt a draw to something that I knew I would follow through with. I look into the trades ever few months thinking I should just be a plumber or electrician, but really would I be any happier doing anything like that. I couldn't say. I'll be thirty in three weeks, I've gone through college twice, and still I'm working a job that I could have gotten fresh out of high school.
I do have an amazing wife that willingly submits her heart, body, mind and soul to Me which I am eternally thankful and grateful for. She is My slave and even just last night, pushed My head down to perform oral on her when she felt that was what I wanted to do but knew I wouldn't do because it is more or less a limit for her. She happily suffered through such an act because it was for My pleasure and I know that was a huge move of submission for her. Obviously life isn't all bad, when I have a girl like My slave elle!
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