Nature Need Nurture

So I was going to write a post about reactive and proactive service but since book study the other night I've been thinking about the whole nature versus nurture when it comes to this lifestyle. Am I born dominant or is our life together creating this person? I have read many times other Doms' thoughts on this topic and each time they say you MUST be born a Dom or you aren't a REAL Dom I fight against it; I get frustrated and angry and unfortunately start to question my realness.

I don’t feel I was born with a dominant personality. Growing up, I always put the happiness of others first, going even back to the days when my siblings and I (I'm the youngest) were young enough to get excited over the silly little prizes that come in cereal boxes. My mom would put them away until there were enough for us to choose between. If I wanted one that either of them wanted, I would let them have it. I've always shied away from conflict by giving others what they wanted, even when I didn’t want to or really didn't have the money to, I would give in. I'd buy them the ridiculous guitar they were never going to play, or take them on a weekend getaway though they weren't working and the bills were barely getting paid. I'm pretty sure for many years I had a welcome sign taped to my back that people used to wipe their muddy shoes on. 

My mom raised us on her own since I was two, when my dad was killed in a trucking accident. I don’t think she ever fully dealt with her grief and suddenly having three kids under 7 to raise alone must have been terrifying to say the least. She was a strong mother in that she managed with the cards she was dealt and raised us on her own and we all turned out to be pretty good people, with a few minor hiccups along the way. However, she is nervous, self conscious, and lacking in independence - odd since she has lived either with us or alone for the passed...holy fuck! thirty years this June! - you would think some independence would grow from that. 

I think I fashioned myself after my mother in that way, and until four years and four months ago when I met elle those traits were the ones that were nurtured along either from unconscious copying as a child to ex-partners using them for their benefit. It wasn’t until my relationship with elle that other buried traits were slowly but surely identified. Her love, trust and belief in me have slowly watered long dormant seeds of strength I didn't know were there. Instead of taking advantage of my long history of putting others first, she has asked of me to put myself first and to decide what is best for us. She has told me in many ways that I deserve to and it's ok to say no. She has shown me, especially in the last two weeks, that I can be more decisive and I can ask much more of her without my expectations of her to comply leading to conflict, quite the opposite actually. Having her thank me for making her stand back up or come back to the room because she has not had permission to sit or leave, gives me a bit of a heady, giddy feeling.

I feel myself becoming more confident and questioning less the more elle helps nurture these seeds of power and control by responding more quickly and eagerly to my needs and wants. I feel her committing more to her submission each time I take more and expect her to give more. In this, her submission is being nurtured too. She has a dominant personality but has very strong submissive traits that need nurturing as much as my dominance needs it.

So do I believe dominance is nature or nurture? Both actually. I am coming to the realization dominance is in me but I am not a dominant person without it being nurtured. We are born with many traits I think, but unless they are nurtured they aren't going to blossom. They will just remain unfertilized seeds hidden in the muck of our souls.