Stuff and Things

Near the end of my last relationship, my then girlfriend asked (basically told me) if we could open our relationship. She was young; I was her first serious, long term girlfriend; she wasn't ready to be so serious; blah, blah, blah. The answer in my head was no, but the answer I reluctantly gave was yes - with a few conditions. One being, sex was off limits. She went on a date and didn't come home that night. According to her, "they lost track of time because they were talking so she just slept at her place, but nothing happened." I was an insecure doormat that wanted to believe her and didn't want to lose her.

Well, she dumped me shortly after and not long into dating elle, the ex decided it was unfair for me to not know she had been cheating on me throughout the two years and 'just slept at her place' was really 'we fucked'. Basically, opening the relationship was so she could keep cheating on me without feeling guilty for cheating on me, because well, we were open after all, right! So wrong.

Fast forward to now and I feel like I am betraying elle by having feelings for Kahwaii. elle is completely aware of these feelings, supports them, is happy about them, and reassures me of such, but do you think that penetrates through my fear of hurting her? Nope! I ask her over and over if she is sure she is ok and she tells me over and over that she is. I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that she is telling me the truth, yet I'm scared of doing something that will shake her trust and unconditional love.

Growing up, poly wasn't something that crossed my mind. At the time, it was enough if I could find one person. Small town + dyke = ya fucking right, why do you think I moved away! Plus, all I saw was monogamy. My dad died when I was two and he was, still is, the ONLY man my mom was ever with. My grandparents are still married, when according to mom, they should have divorced long, long ago. Poly didn't exist in my world...then again neither did M/s or kink.

I'm not so much the doormat that I used to be, but that's more to do with being with people that actually care about me and don't want to just use me to wipe their feet on. I am still that insecure person though. I have a hard time opening up to people and let very few people really get inside. I have to be pushed to say what's on my mind and talk about how I am feeling. elle, obviously knows me inside and out better than anyone ever has. Our leather family is more aware of what I keep inside than any friends or bio family have known.

Kahwaii...she figured me out pretty quickly I think and knows that if she wants to get me talking she needs to push and not let me brush it off. She's learned to read me fairly accurately and it is both great (I need the people closest to me to know when I have to open up because I have a hard time just doing so on my own) and not so great (cause the people closest to me know when I have to open up and that I wouldn't do it on my own, lol). Two of them now that won't let me hide my crap, bury my feelings, or drink caffeine in the evenings! What have a I gotten myself into.

elle, you are more incredible in every way than I feel I deserve. You have loved me in a way I never imagined I could/would be loved. I look at you and I am home, I am safe, I am seen. 'I love you' are three words that say everything yet not nearly enough. I didn't know love until you and I can't remember what life was like before you. I ask you where you belong and you give your answer; where I am with you, is where I belong.

Kahwaii, you have accepted me, my insecurities, my challenges, my questioning without hesitation. I feel you saw 'me' before any of this started and you've made me feel safe, awkward and nervous, but safe. We've talked at length about bigger, deeper in head things, but I want to know the little things about you too - favorite color and food, what music you like, ect.. You are a wonderful, beautiful, smart woman that has become very special and important to me.

Thank you both for being who you are and for readily embracing who I am.    

Rituals, Protocols and an Update

Prepping for the Winnipeg Submissives Network (WSN) meeting got me thinking. The topic is on protocols and rituals. We were supposed to do it this month but we had a bit of lower turn-out so we decided to wait for next month. Then, as Master and i were getting into bed we had a discussion about our rules, rituals and protocols. We decided that we need to be spending a bit more of our free time focusing on our M/s rather than doing other things as it has been pushed aside a bit as of late with vanilla life creeping in more and more.

Master and i have many protocols and rituals that we use on a day to day basis that turn the more mundane aspects of our lives into special events. These interactions really help us reconnect. They are sacred moments in time when we stop and focus on each other. The interaction reaffirms our commitment towards each other and reinforces our Master/slave Power Exchange. Each ritual and/or protocol fulfills a purpose be it control of how i look or to make Master’s life easier and more enjoyable.

The rules that work, why do they work? Because we care about them. We have spent years refining how they work; when life changes we alter them as needed. In fact, we are planning on looking at our rules and protocols again this upcoming weekend because of the changes that have happened over the past while in our lives and we haven’t re-evaluated our rules in a while. The protocols and rituals we have now have become a natural part of our lives and we miss them when we don’t do them. It’s so easy to slip out of them if you start to let them slide so we need to remind each other when something is missed. They also work because our rules, rituals and protocols as i said earlier serve a purpose in our relationship, be it enhancing Sir’s quality or enjoyment of life, practical reasons or reinforcing our M/s dynamic, to name a few.  The rules that don’t work are either changed or removed.

Why do i like to have them? The obvious answer is that i want the connection that our rituals offer.  Beyond that though, having protocols gives my life structure which gives me freedom to not have to make choices which is a huge stress relief for me. i like to know how exactly She wants her food presented and how exactly to hold my arms and head while waiting for Her to take whatever it is that i am offering. i like knowing exactly what is expected of me and how to best please my Master.

Kahawii was here outside with Master during the meeting so after the WSN get together was finished they came inside. i was so horny by the time she left from her pulling my hair and poking at my bruises from the weekend that i wanted to be filled and fucked so badly it almost hurt more than the poking and hair puling! Having both Kahawii and Master gang up on me to punch me and such also didn’t help any. But alas, she went home and left me suffering. Master offered to assist me but by the time our conversation was over it was very late so we just went to sleep.

Another thing that Master and i have been talking about is having me try to use a safeword so She feels more comfortable with beating me harder. That way She knows where my limits really are and doesn’t have to guess if i’ve had enough. It was my idea to try to see if it will help Her be able to unleash Her sadism more freely.

Weekend Update with a Bit Extra

The last few weekends have been great. Let me share with you…

This weekend that just passed was a blast! There is a monthly event at a local bar that Master and i pretty much always go to with our leather family, Sir J and d. This time Kahwaii and her fiancée, as well as Sir J and d’s date joined us and we met others at the bar. We started out pre-drinking and hanging out at our place. We came back here after the bar and shortly afterwards started to play. Both Lee and Sir J topping myself, d and their date (well, Lee didn’t really play with Sir J and d’s date, just d and i). All three of us ended up with some pretty colours. My colours are mostly on my arms because i made the huge mistake of calling the 30+ punches per arm punishment/funishment i received for sitting on the couch (for less than half a minute i might add) “small” instead of “sufficient” by accident and then panicked and couldn’t think of the right word (i will also add that it was determined that even if i had said sufficient after saying small i still wouldn’t have mattered at that point i had already said small). So the two sadists decided i needed another 30 punches on each arm. i received over 60 hard punches on each arm. They (my arms, not the sadists, let’s make that very clear!!) are so weak from being sore right now that i decided that i will be skipping yoga today. They are turning all kinds of shades of red and purple. i might have to get Master to take a pic or two so we can upload them to Fetlife. Sir J has this toy that is about 15 cm long and has sharp metal rivets running along the edges of it. It hurts quite a bit and leaves beautiful marks. Sir and i had looked at it before and contemplated getting it ourselves. “The Riveter”, as i called it, left its mark on my ass and thighs that has made sitting slightly uncomfortable. Sir J also bit me on the back of each of my shoulders and those spots are quite tender as well. But my arms definitely got the worst of it. As well as play, we got to spend Sunday afternoon hanging out with Sir J and d, which is always a treat. i love being able to just hang out with other people and be us. We don’t have to be concerned about what the people around think about our M/s or S/m. Just be our authentic selves and live our M/s.

The weekend before last we took Kahwaii out on a date to a restaurant that Master and i like. i broke the awkwardness right away by knocking silverware on the floor. The food was good and it felt fairly natural to be out on a date with my wife and our girlfriend. We came back here and we had some fun sexy times, including them trying to hold hands inside of me. Which, oh my god! It felt so good and painful at the same time i wanted to cry and cum at the same time. i hope they are going to try again. i asked Master if She would help me practice prior to make it more likely to be successful. Entirely only for practice though, there will be no enjoyment in it i promise! Having them both inside of me at the same time is so hot, either double penetration or double fisting, just thinking about it right now is getting my girly bits going.

It’s been a little over two months now since we first had Kahwaii over for coffee. It feels just like yesterday and yet it also seems like she’s been a part of our lives for so much longer as well because things seem to be working out smoothly for the most part. She and Master have come to see me at work a few evenings now even, once by semi-surprise. We’ve hung out one on one her and i once and her and Master a few times. i’ve had one moment of jealousy and that was when i thought that Kahwaii was about to make Master cum. i have worked my way through that now; i know why it triggered me and have come to the conclusion that i am happy if Kahwaii can make Master cum. Master was very good at supporting me through my jealousy, She even suggested we make a rule that other partners cannot make Her cum. But i want Her to enjoy Herself when we are having sex and if Kahwaii can make that happen then i don’t want to stop it. In fact i am hoping it happens now because i know how much Sir does enjoy cumming, when She does.

Otherwise, i have been feeling good about how our relationship is going. Last night while we were getting our garden ready for the summer Master and i were talking about how we are feeling about Kahwaii. We have a check-in every week, which is very helpful when new things are happening in your lives but also when things are more settled as a reminder to keep the communication going. We strongly believe that open honest communication is the cornerstone of a solid relationship. We are mostly on the same page when it comes to the feeling we have for Kahwaii and what we hope to see happen in the future since our original idea of poly was with someone who was unattached to have a closed triad with so we’ve had to re-envision our poly future.

On a semi-related note, this situation has got me thinking. Master and i have freely talked about the possibility of us moving away one day but that decision is getting harder and harder with having people who are important to us. Our leather family is so important to us i couldn’t imagine not being close to them- having them 2 hours away is too far! And in the minimum of 5 or so years it will be before we would/will move that bond will so much stronger. Plus who knows where things with Kahwaii will be, if we are still together then it will be excruciating to have to say good-bye. If it’s not her it could be someone else. i fully realize that in the future we may part ways from our leather family and/or Kahwaii. But should we stop ourselves from making these connections just because in 5 or more years we may decide that we want to move back to Victoria or somewhere else? At this point it seems like our life is here. At this point i would have an extremely hard time leaving our people.