Near the end of my last relationship, my then girlfriend asked (basically told me) if we could open our relationship. She was young; I was her first serious, long term girlfriend; she wasn't ready to be so serious; blah, blah, blah. The answer in my head was no, but the answer I reluctantly gave was yes - with a few conditions. One being, sex was off limits. She went on a date and didn't come home that night. According to her, "they lost track of time because they were talking so she just slept at her place, but nothing happened." I was an insecure doormat that wanted to believe her and didn't want to lose her.
Well, she dumped me shortly after and not long into dating elle, the ex decided it was unfair for me to not know she had been cheating on me throughout the two years and 'just slept at her place' was really 'we fucked'. Basically, opening the relationship was so she could keep cheating on me without feeling guilty for cheating on me, because well, we were open after all, right! So wrong.
Fast forward to now and I feel like I am betraying elle by having feelings for Kahwaii. elle is completely aware of these feelings, supports them, is happy about them, and reassures me of such, but do you think that penetrates through my fear of hurting her? Nope! I ask her over and over if she is sure she is ok and she tells me over and over that she is. I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that she is telling me the truth, yet I'm scared of doing something that will shake her trust and unconditional love.
Growing up, poly wasn't something that crossed my mind. At the time, it was enough if I could find one person. Small town + dyke = ya fucking right, why do you think I moved away! Plus, all I saw was monogamy. My dad died when I was two and he was, still is, the ONLY man my mom was ever with. My grandparents are still married, when according to mom, they should have divorced long, long ago. Poly didn't exist in my world...then again neither did M/s or kink.
I'm not so much the doormat that I used to be, but that's more to do with being with people that actually care about me and don't want to just use me to wipe their feet on. I am still that insecure person though. I have a hard time opening up to people and let very few people really get inside. I have to be pushed to say what's on my mind and talk about how I am feeling. elle, obviously knows me inside and out better than anyone ever has. Our leather family is more aware of what I keep inside than any friends or bio family have known.
Kahwaii...she figured me out pretty quickly I think and knows that if she wants to get me talking she needs to push and not let me brush it off. She's learned to read me fairly accurately and it is both great (I need the people closest to me to know when I have to open up because I have a hard time just doing so on my own) and not so great (cause the people closest to me know when I have to open up and that I wouldn't do it on my own, lol). Two of them now that won't let me hide my crap, bury my feelings, or drink caffeine in the evenings! What have a I gotten myself into.
elle, you are more incredible in every way than I feel I deserve. You have loved me in a way I never imagined I could/would be loved. I look at you and I am home, I am safe, I am seen. 'I love you' are three words that say everything yet not nearly enough. I didn't know love until you and I can't remember what life was like before you. I ask you where you belong and you give your answer; where I am with you, is where I belong.
Kahwaii, you have accepted me, my insecurities, my challenges, my questioning without hesitation. I feel you saw 'me' before any of this started and you've made me feel safe, awkward and nervous, but safe. We've talked at length about bigger, deeper in head things, but I want to know the little things about you too - favorite color and food, what music you like, ect.. You are a wonderful, beautiful, smart woman that has become very special and important to me.
Thank you both for being who you are and for readily embracing who I am.
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