Things haven't been going so great lately. Our relationship between Master and i as well as with Kahwaii has taken a few major hits lately and we are all suffering because of them. Master has a few ideas on how She wants to fix them. One of the ideas i disagree with and the other i agree with but am embarrassed by it. i'm not going to share them until after we have a chance to talk to Kahwaii about them, which we are planning on doing this evening.
In my opinion, it was all starting to brew just below the surface for a while before we went to Kahwaii's cabin at the beginning of last month but things happened while we were there that i believe never got fully resolved which compounded the earlier problems and they've all been escalating ever since. The security of our relationship feels like it is resting on a very thin line.
my jealousy over the connection that Master and Kahwaii have is my biggest problem i believe. i'm not sure why i am jealous now because in the beginning i was not at all jealous. In fact, it was quite the opposite, i craved to see them develop a bond together and i was concerned that Master would have a hard time seeing me with someone else. i don't know what made the switch flip. i think it's because Kahwaii and i don't connect the same way that she does with Master. We connect sexually but because of the nature of our relationship we have sex very infrequently. i really wish that it was more often because i feel so much closer to her afterwards, even if its not sex per say even when she and i make out and definitely after she has beat on me.
i have been having some fairly wild emotional mood swings and have been changing my opinion/view on topics (because of the swinging emotions) a lot lately. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) seems to be rearing it's ugly head more as of late. This morning i even suggested that i try re-upping my one medication that we had reduced a few months ago to see if that will help. Master and i even briefly talked about going to talk to someone together but we decided that we don't feel like teaching someone about our style of relationship and even then the person may not understand enough to be effective in helping us navigate some fairly unique relationship problems. And since i already have more than maxed out my portion of my insurance coverage for psych we cant really afford it anyways. So we are going to try to work things out on our own.
What do we need to work on exactly? i need to work on being more obedient and less headstrong. i am a very strong willed person and when i believe in something i will fight for it tooth and nail. i also need to work on getting my BPD under control again and try to see the grey areas in between the black and white that i tend to see. For example, to me, you either love or hate, nothing more, nothing less, simple as that. My mental health being unstable creates and exacerbates so many problems. i believe it is at the root of my jealousy issues and if i can figure out just what would be causing it maybe i can work with my psychologist to correct it. In my opinion Master needs to work on Her consistency with enforcing the rules and slowly but steadily upping Her authority in more and more of my life.
Life is about to get busy. Next week Master's Mom will be here for 5 days plus one of my stepsisters is getting married just after Mom leaves. As well, i have just started a new casual job, i haven't even had my first shift yet but once i do i imagine i will get a bit busier with that too. i'm not sure when Master and i are going to find time to work on our relationship but we need to make it a priority, much more so than we have been in the last while.
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