What's in a Name?

I was reminded earlier this week as to why my mother and I have a very superficial relationship and why I don't tell her anything. She came in for her annual visit and I knew leading up to this week that I was going to tell her about Kawhaii and that I go by Lee. I wish I had done neither. 

The second day she was here, she and I went out taking pictures while elle was at work. All day I was trying to push myself to say that I wanted to talk to her. I couldn't do it. I was worried over her reaction and just couldn't get the words out. At dinner, I continued trying and elle finally leaned over and said that I needed to do it. With a deep breath, I spat it out. I had a few things to tell her that weren't really phone conversations.

I told her first that we have a girlfriend. She was rather taken aback and didn't understand why or how. I explained a little bit and I could see in her face she didn't approve but was able to say something to the effect of if that's our preference then hopefully our marriage is strong enough to handle a third. 

She asked what else I had to tell her and I said that elle and our friends call me Lee. She was immediately upset, eyes welling with tears, looking away from me, and not saying anything. I moved over to sit beside her and asked what she was thinking. She said that I will always be Kim to her, I told her I wasn't asking her to change that; she said that she felt rejected because she gave me my name (had she said we, as in her and my dad that died 32 years ago, I may have felt guilt rather than anger), I told her this is still part of my name (Kimberlee) it's just more neutral and I feel more comfortable with it; she said that she knows I'm a good person and don't mean to hurt anyone, but she still feels rejected, I just bit my tongue, let a few tears fall before I could swallow my feelings and fought very hard to stay in my seat. I was so close to telling elle that I was sorry but I had to leave. The only reason I didn't was because I wasn't going to leave elle alone with my crying mother and make her deal with it.

That was all that was said and I'm sure all that will ever be said. Lee will never exist to her and I will have a stroke if she ever asks about Kawhaii. The rest of that night and the following days, it was as if that conversation never happened. I've been switching between anger, hurt, rejection, and resignation since then but buried all of it because I just couldn't deal with it while she was here. elle asked if I wanted to talk about it that night, but I told her no I needed to stay angry so I could keep it in better. That's the second time she has rejected me for finally telling her the truth of who I am - first she told me it was like I had died when I came out as gay and now because I 'reject' her name she rejects my identity. 

I am very good at keeping thoughts and feelings to myself (right girls?) because it is a lot harder for someone to discard me for being who I am if they don't know me. 

Right now I just what to surround myself with the people that love me for who I am...unfortunately I can't do much of that. elle has been great of course and understands my hurt. Last week though, I made the decision that elle and I needed to take a three week break from contacting Kawhaii in order to focus on trying to figure out where our issues are coming from and make a plan to fix things. I wanted to be in both their arms, feeling love from both of them, and I couldn't even tell Kawhaii what was going on let alone see her. 

We did see her at an event last night and so I filled her in. It wasn't a great place for talking though so not much was able to be said. It's really hard not talking to her or seeing her, though I stand by my decision and reason behind it. I miss her a lot, and I'm sure that will increase with mom gone and knowing that we could be seeing her. I feel like I'm missing part of me and worry that she'll realize the opposite. We bring a lot of stress into her life; maybe she will be happier to have that gone how ever much great feelings are involved.

elle and I are struggling with our relationship and I'm scared to think what will happen if we don't get things straightened out. I'm not going to get into our issues and still need to do some soul searching to really get down to what the problems are, but I am really hoping that with a few weeks of a bit more time together we can at least open up better communication and see more clearly what we can do to move forward. I have not taken the break from Kawhaii because I feel she is causing the issues, not in the least, but just as a way to make us focus more on the two of us and making us strong again without dragging Kawhaii into the stress of it. Two more weeks.