Ramblings

I feel lost. I'm half way through My leave of absence and I feel I have done nothing with My time. Sure I've been keeping up with the cleaning and transferring old writing onto the computer, but really I have done nothing. I had plans to write during this time, I haven't written a word. I was going to take photos during these months, I have taken a handful of our cats. I was going to rev up My cooking skills, I put in minimal effort in the beginning. I was going to learn all about D/s and fine tune our dynamic, it's a slow work in progress. I just feel trapped in this perpetual cycle of housework and I'm doing it to Myself.

I barely leave the house other than for a trip to the library or grocery store because I know if I go to a coffee shop, or for a walk, or whatever then when I get home I'll be even less inclined to do what I should be doing around here. If I clean first with plans to go out after, by the time I'm done I don't have the energy or inclination to go anywhere, and it's getting dark.

I fool Myself into thinking, today is the day I will write a story, when I don't even have any ideas swirling around in My head. I type up old writing and I'm impressed with the ideas I had growing up, some are quite good and make Me want to pick up writing them but then I tell Myself I can't. I need to just get this stuff on the computer and I can write later. I have a feeling 'later' is really never. In a month and a half I go back to work full time, then two and a half months later we move. The stressful struggle to find a job, any job, will then start up, followed by more full time work, followed by a lifetime of being someone's lackey at some job I end up hating after a time because it's not what I want to be doing, but I don't know what I want to be doing, because when I have the time to do what I think I want to do I don't do it because I feel like I don't have the time and if I feel like I don't have the time now, then I most certainly will never have the time because I am obviously not ambitious enough to just take whatever time I do have and do something with it!

I have never had the motivation to actually put in hard work for the career I've wanted and I'm scared to do any kind of more schooling because I know from the past that it just puts Me (and now My wife) in debt and isn't actually put to use. I'm worried I will be a lifetime retail worker and I hate that thought, but I don't know how to motivate Myself to make something of Myself.

A few steps I am going to try to turn the next half of this time off, around:

1. Change cleaning schedule to open up some time.
2. Schedule in writing/coffee shop, walks/photography (I work better following a schedule, hence blogging regularly now, it's on the schedule).
3. Plan rewards for elle and I to show My appreciation for her working so hard for us, and Me for adding some motivation to the career side of life.
4. Schedule in play times.
5. Schedule in moving prep.

I can't wait for elle to get home in an hour+, I need a hug.