Time for a Tweak

I've said this before but I'll say it again, being a Domme doesn't come easily to Me. There are probably plenty out there that would say I'm not a 'real' Domme because I'm not a natural, the habits and actions of a Domme aren't characteristics that are ingrained in Me. No, I'm not dominant by nature. I have to work at it, and quite often I fail at it. If fact, elle and I have taken on the roles in our dynamic that are opposite to both our natures. elle is a very independent, strong willed, organized person. All attributes that I love about My girl. All attributes that make it a bit more difficult for her to be slave to Me.

Why then, you might wonder, am I not the slave? Well for good reason, we both want and need to be in this dynamic the way it is. elle needs freedom from making decisions, she needs to not be responsible for getting us through life unscathed, she needs to be able to just breathe and follow My lead. For myself, I need to be pushed with decisions and allow Myself to say 'no', I need to feel the weight on My shoulders of navigating through life safely, and I need to feel the love and devotion of My slave.

See, leading up to our relationship, I had always been very passive, gullible and pretty well, a doormat. I did everything in My power to please other people, that I am now faced with a sizeable debt, and lots of resentment inside. There is pretty much a daily fight I have with Myself about how I could have let that happen, how did I not see what was happening, how could I be so stupid, blind, naive, yadda yadda?? Unfortunately now I am not the only one that is paying for what I allowed happen with previous people. My mother is affected (talk about huge guilt), My wife is affected (diddo on the guilt), and our quality of life is affected.

Being Domme has made Me feel more secure in the fact that the past can't repeat itself and elle can be secure in knowing that she can't get to the point of steam rollering through our relationship. I can say 'no' and she can relinquish control. Where we come along it being difficult is that neither, as I said, was really in our nature. Sometimes I still say 'yes' too often, and elle takes too much control, but we are a work in progress and I feel we always will be.

We talked this weekend about where we are lately falling off the D/s wagon and have come upon a few changes that I think will make this better. When we started, our dynamic was more of a physical service slavery formula. elle wasn't working, I was, so she was able to take care of the home and I felt better about having her do things for Me. However, over the past month and a half that I haven't been working but she is, I have been taking care of the home and feel bad about wanting to get her to do something for Me because she's been at work all day. So we have talked, and decided more of a mental D/s is what we are looking at right now. Going back to making sure she wears My collar when possible, having her sit at My feet, inviting her to eat, inviting her into bed, making sure she asks permission for things (still need to flesh this one out), and overall just making sure I make the decisions for her. I need to start doing the leading a whole lot better around here, as each time she sees a weakness coming out of Me the natural control that is in her, latches on and pushes.

I am very hopeful we can get ourselves back on track, because when we're doing well in our dynamic it is really good.