Before i start the actual post for today i just want to say thank you to the person who posted a comment on my last entry. And to anyone else who is reading, i know i don't really ask for advice or suggestions but Madam and i are more than happy to receive any and all. Please follow and/or comment if you like a post or the blog in general.
These last few days have been better. i still don't feel quite as submissive as in the beginning but we're working on things.
i was out of the house on Wednesday and Thursday nights and that gave Lee some time alone, which is a good thing since she hasn't had any in months really. And it was nice to do my own thing. We decided that until i am working that i am going to try to give Her a night each week to Herself while i go to the local rec center, go for coffee with a friend, etc. Maybe this alone time will give her time to focus on all the things She wants to get done that She puts off when i'm around like Her writing, reading and blogging.
After reading my last post Madam and i tried to have a conversation about what i had written but it didn't go well and by the time we went to bed i was very close to calling the whole D/s aspect of our relationship off. That night i didn't remove my clothes the way i'm supposed to and Madam made me put them back on and do it properly, which i fought against but did end up doing. Rather than laying across her lap for my nightly maintenance spanking i just climbed into bed, making Madam demand that i get across her lap and when i refused she physically moved me into position. The worst thing i did though was after the spanking She always asks me who owns me and i told Her nobody and i wouldn't say my mantra when She took off my collar. i got a good beating with the cane for my actions that night but even during that i refused to submit and let her keep hitting me, i couldn't stop myself from being defiant and stubborn.
The next day i was still acting distant but by the time we went to bed i had started to turn around a bit. Madam apologised for punishing me in anger and explained why She thought it was necessary to do it at that moment rather than waiting (waiting would have only made me think that i was right about Her not being dominating and would have weakened our Dom/sub bond to a potentially dangerous level). i agree with Her reason and even though i feel like it isn't usually best to punish when you're angry, i think for Madam She need to or She will be too soft on me.
After i gave Madam Her nightly pleasure on Thursday night She decided She wanted to taste me, which is something that i need to be either extremely horny to enjoy or extremely submissive to feel comfortable having Her do. i was neither but i did want to show Lee that i was trying to make things better too. i think She knew that and was trying to see how far She could push me. She also ordered me to masturbate to orgasm 5 times before stopping. i was in a small panic, i can't orgasm more than once on my clit without a break and i have never been able to make myself cum from penetration. i told her that that was basically impossible. She revised the order to me being filled by Her cock for at least an hour to get myself worked up and minimum one orgasm but that i was to try for more. She told me not to panic, that we will work on me being able to have multiple clit orgasms but for now not to worry about it too much. i only managed one; it took me almost an hour.
i realize now that my acting out was most likely a call to Madam to be more dominating. I still have my reservations about submitting fully again cause i don't want to give up everything if She isn't ready to have it. It was a fairly major blow to me and i don't want to even think about what would happen if Lee dropped the ball again.
i felt very little yesterday and again today. Lee and i talked about what age we think i am when i'm little the other day and we've decided it's around 8 or so (just as an fyi). It's interesting, i've felt little for short periods of time, a couple hours max, but all day yesterday and so far all day today. Normally Lee and i sleep naked but She recognized how little i was feeling and suggested i sleep in a nightie and She sleep in her boxers and an undershirt which i was very grateful for. i also slept with Francine (my Cabbage Patch doll that i have had since i was like 3). After my spanking i had big girl feelings "down there" which Poppi was very good at helping me understand. i am so lucky to have such a caring and supportive Poppi.
i admitted to Madam on Thursday night that i think She is going to have to force me back into deeper submission. i asked Her to rape me. i want Her to beat me until i beg to be Her slave. i want to scream, cry, be humiliated, have my pussy used until it's raw and sore. i need to hurt during and after. i need to really know that She is in control, that She owns my life, my breath. i didn't tell her the last bits but She will know after reading this i guess. She said that She wants to. i don't know when exactly it will happen but i hope soon. And i hope it works.
i realize that this wasn't quite in chronological order but it's just how thoughts came out so i apologize for the scattered-ness of the post!
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