My Love/Hate Relationship

i’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before so if i have i apologize but i’ve been thinking about it since it happened (again!) on Friday.

On Friday evening, Madam and i had a shower together. We shower together quite often and i love it. i get to shampoo and wash her and if i’m lucky Madam washes her toy too. We have one of the wand shower heads that has the massage setting on it. Once in a while Madam gets the brilliant idea to give me a massage “down there” which i love to hate.

Well, Friday night was one of those times. i tried to cover myself and turn away but i was told to be a good girl and move my hands and stand still against the wall. my clit is very sensitive and the pressure of the water is usually torture as was the case this time. i begged her to stop over and over but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Up till this point Madam had been “going easy” on me, my outer lips were protecting my clit somewhat. Then She told me to open myself up for Her. Again in vain, i pleaded with Her but i was met with the same command to open up. Realizing that my resistance was futile, i relented and pulled back my protective lips to expose my clit completely to the hard stream.

i screamed as the assault began again. my body bucked and thrashed against the torture. And even though i was imploring Madam to stop i could feel something stirring inside me and my pussy getting wet. “i want you to cum slut” Madam commanded and i could tell that i would soon even though i was saying no. i was deep in sub space by that point.


i could feel the wave of orgasm building stronger every second. As the wave engulfed me i started crying. my body had betrayed my mind, again, as it always ends up doing when Madam uses the water on me.

Madam returned the water to the regular shower setting and put it back in the holder on the wall, wrapped Her arms around me and held me under the stream letting me cry on Her shoulder.

Once i calmed down a bit, the water was shut off and Madam wrapped me in a towel.
Later, laying in bed i asked Madam how it makes Her feel when i say no and beg Her not to “massage” my clit. She told me that for a second She still second guess Herself but quickly realizes that if i actually meant no that i would use my safe word and that then She almost gets giddy with the feeling of power and control that She gets from being able to make me cum even though i “want” Her to stop.

She asked me how it makes me feel. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, open, violated (in a good way), controlled, owned. But to sum it up in one word, i feel very submissive.

i love/hate you shower head massager!!!

i love You Madam!!! and i can't wait for next Monday!!!

Happy Pride... We're Getting Married!!

i wrote this on Monday July 11 intending for it to be longer but i didn’t finish it... i thought i’d post it as is now rather than trying to rewrite it or add on.

Yesterday (well really it was from July 1 to yesterday) was Gay Pride here. Lee and i watched the parade and went to the festival. i got a new anklet that jingles when i walk which i love cause i can wear it in public unlike the cuffs that i have already. After the festival we walked along the Sea Walk which is where we first said i love you and where we hope to get married in two weeks to try to decide exactly where we want that to happen.

Yes that’s right, we’re getting married! It’s going to be a casual little ceremony, just us our witnesses and the Marriage Commissioner. Last week we got our marriage licence and rings. It was so easy, we both were a bit shocked at how easy it really was but like we said, our relationship has been so easy that why should this be difficult. We will probably have some sort of celebration next year, on/around our anniversary.

This post isn’t going to be about kink so much. It’s going to be more about me and my state of mind as of late.

As i have mentioned before, i have a history of mental health issues. i was first diagnosed with depression almost half a life time ago and have been very suicidal at times during the last 14 years. i have taken more than half a dozen different medications over the years and have seen a few different psychiatrists and therapists.

The past two and a half years are probably the best i have been since i was 15 years old. That is, until recently. In the last month or so i have felt myself starting to slide back into that dark place. Lee and i have talked a bit about it but to be honest i hold back the true depth of my feelings most of the time cause i’m scared that She will worry about me. She knows enough that She suggested that i talk to my doctor about going back on meds for a while, which i really don’t want to do for a few reasons.

Antidepressants do two things to me that i hate. Neither of which will help with the depression. The first being that they kill one’s sex drive. If that were to happen i don’t want to even think about how long Lee and i may go without having sex then since Her drive is naturally lower than mine and i’m the one who (nine times out of ten) initiates sex. The second reason is that they make me gain weight. i’m already heavier than i want to be so i think if i gained any more weight i’d just be even more upset and disgusted with how my body looks (bye-bye to any self esteem that i have left!). Those may sound like superficial reasons but as i said i think that both of those side effects would only make me feel worse about myself

The problem is that my depression is affecting our dynamic. When i have a “bad day” i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to cook, do chores or dress in the manner that i’m supposed to. Lee has tried to push me but it only made things even worse and now She‘s gun shy about trying to push me anymore.

So i don’t know what to do about the situation. i want to be the best slave that i can be for Lee, She deserves nothing less but it’s impossible when i can’t even get up off the couch or out of bed.

Another thing is that as much as Lee and i go to local munches and such i still don’t feel like i/we have made any solid connections so i don’t feel like i have anyone that i can talk to about this. i wish i had a friend or the like that would understand.

Used Goods

i am writing as i think today so apologize in advance :)

i am supposed to be doing chores right now but my back is sore for some reason so i thought i'd relax for a while and write before i start. Thursday afternoon on the bus to work i was trying to write out a few thoughts on my submission to Lee. i'm trying to write a few phrases that i can "meditate to" on my way home from work to help me refocus my attention to Her. i got a couple down but to be honest i was distracted by the ache in my abused pussy. Since the other day when i made the comment to Madam that i thought She possibly wasn't hitting as hard as She used to Madam seems to be giving me harder spankings and using me sexually more frequently (refer to my last post if you don't know what i'm talking about lol). Now i realize that it's only been a couple of days since but it has been a both wonderful and uncomfortable, painful and pleasurable, degrading and hot couple of days.

Part of it is that She has also not let me cum for the last two days. Last night i begged and begged Her for an orgasm to no avail. i don't know how long this denial will last for but i love and hate it! It keeps me "on" all the time, which is why i guess that some Dom/Dommes do it. i am so horny and have been since She started this. It has made me feel very insignificant knowing that my enjoyment isn't of concern.

Being used, i'm discovering, is a pretty big fetish of mine. Being fucked, not because the other person wants me so much but only because i have holes that will satisfy their primal need. That is part of what rape scenes are about to me, i could have been replaced by another woman and the rapist would have still done the same thing. Same with being a prostitute, the person fucking you calls the shots. We haven't done any sort of prostitution play to know if i am into it but i can see all the potential there!

i think it comes down to it feeling used = feeling owned to me. Lee owns me and therefore can
use me how ever She chooses. That means that i am Her prostitute, Her free prostitute i might add!, when She wants to fuck. Just like i am Her chef when She wants dinner, Her masseuse when she wants a massage. Don't read that wrong, i am in no way saying that i do not enjoy being Madam's prostitute, i am happily Her slut. :) i wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. :)

Okay i think i should quit rambling and go and be productive now.

A Word of Caution.... :)

i am so excited!! Madam and i have been talking about wanting to try another rape scene! Am i a happy little sub?? Yes Ma'am, i am!! Oh!, the thought of being used against my will.... Back to the post ;)

She said that She is feeling more confident about being able to use the force necessary to control me and physically top me even if/when i'm fighting back. Why? Well a couple of reasons really... for instance, our sex in general has become rougher which means She knows how far She can push me. When we first tried to have a rape scene we had not even broached some of the edgier play that i would now consider to be part of our regular play. Also, She now believes me that i want and enjoy when it hurts, physically and emotionally... apparently smiling like an idiot when talking about it later is a good indicator that one enjoyed the activity being mentioned and i've been doing a lot of smiling after some fun stuff that's been going on in the bedroom lol!

But can i just put out a quick suggestion to fellow subs and say that it's never in your best interest to say anything along the lines of the following... "Either i have gotten used to Your spankings, Madam or You aren't hitting as hard as You used to." Not in your best interest, i do not suggest that one ever say that their Domme is not hitting "hard enough"... Especially when the answer you get is " No slut, i'm hitting you harder than before" accented with a look that tells me that was not the best i could have said. But those who know me will know that i do not have a filter at times. That, i believe is why got a spanking that had tears welling up in my eyes a bit last night. :) As well as other delicious things!


The only thing worse a sub could do would be to say they want to be used without being allowed to orgasm themselves for days possibly.... but we won't say that!

Struggling

Lately i have been struggling on how to balance work and my submission. i realize that submitting isn't really what you do but about a frame of mind. Madam has finished revamping Her rules and such so i'm hoping that having Her control me more will help me settle down. But most days i just feel like i only have the energy for one or the other and i don't know how to split my mental and physical energies between work and Madam.

i have a hard time coming home from work and just shutting off that aspect of life. i am a nurse in a dementia unit in a care home. i am constantly telling people (mostly the residents) what to do, how to do it and why i want them to do it....repeatedly. It can be emotionally draining. Add to that the fact that i get to thinking about how this is going to be Madam and/or i when we get old. And things happen that i need to vent about and i forget to ask Lee about Her day before doing so.

As much as i know that Lee doesn't mind hearing about my day i feel it is disrespectful to come home and unload my baggage on Her.

If anyone has any tips on balancing submission and work please please please send them my way, i would be forever grateful.

On a happier note, i re-arranged our living room the other day and it turned out fabulous! We now have more distinct office and lounging areas. Also, i think our hunt for a kitchen table and chairs may be drawing to a close. We have found a second hand one online that sounds promising, the only drawback is that it only has two chairs and we wanted 4 for when we have company over for a meal. But we shouldn't have too much of a problem getting 2 more we don't think. So, hopefully one day this week our kitchen will finally look and feel complete.

i didn't realize how much i have miss our "sexy" time

The last two nights have been wonderful. Madam and i haven’t had much time together lately because i worked a lot, 6 out of 7 days and all but one were evenings, which means that by the time i get home at 12:15 or so Lee is in bed. Soooo, Tuesday and Wednesday we had to play catch up, if you know what i mean!!!

Tuesday was a busy day getting caught up on errands and starting on tidying up the apartment for Wednesday. In the evening, we went to the Sagacity gathering, which we were later getting to than we wanted because Lee decided to play with the massage setting on the shower head!! It had been a long day so “play” was supposed to be just a bit of a bare hand spanking but i was feeling feisty and we ended up wrestling and turned it into a light take down scene that was yum-yum-yummy!

Wednesday was supposed to start out with us going to the community center to go to the gym and yoga but we decided to stay in bed and have a private work-out, if you catch my drift!! At about quarter to one we finally got out of bed and i made us some bacon and eggs for what i guess was technically lunch at that point then the dinner and apartment preparations began in earnest. i had a friend coming for dinner that i hadn’t seen in over a year. She called about 15 minutes before she was supposed to arrive and said that she was going to be about 2 hours late. This gave Lee and i time for another romp since she was conveniently already in the bedroom. Wednesday night after my friend left i got a delightful beating and fucking. i won’t go into all the details but it ended with me on my back with my knees up to my chest while Madam pulled me by the collar head towards her, think ab crunches and you kinda get the picture. This had a wonderful twofold sensation of adding the internal push on my g-spot moving it into a more accessible spot for the dildo to get as well as the feeling of being held/forced to hold the position. It was both sexually and emotionally so intense that after cumming when ordered to i began to cry.

i would just like to say that i’m sure that i have the best Domme when it comes to aftercare (as well as many other things)! She holds me, pets the bridge of my nose and tells me what a good girl i was, how much she loves me and all sorts of other wonderful things. She tells me to let it out when cry and holds me the whole time. If She has a shirt on, She pulls it off so i can have the skin-on-skin contact that makes me feel so close and warms me up. i don’t know how She does it but She seems to know just what i need at that moment.

Lee has finished making our new rules, rituals and protocols so as soon as we have time to go over them i will get them posted, hopefully this weekend.

Well, i know this is a bit shorter than usual but i have stuff that i need to get going on so it’ll have to do. We are going to the opera tonight, the last show in our season tickets :( and i need go get a pair of scrub pants to go with the top Lee bought me on Tuesday. And i have an apartment that has been sorely neglected so i best catch up on a few chores. Plus i wanted to organize and make a list of what’s in the emergency kit so we can top up what ever is low/missing. Oh and i wanted to pull out my spring/summer clothes, i’m hoping that’ll induce spring to come and actually stay. And i was hoping to get my hiking boots cleaned and waxed…. Somehow i don’t think all of that is happening today.