Radical Acceptance and Freedom of Speech

So about three or so months ago we were in a pretty poor situation with our D/s. It was nearly non-existent and we eventually talked and decided that drastic changes needed to be made. We actually decided to fully drop the dynamic, since it was more of a painful joke than anything else, and I would take sometime to do some research, some soul searching and figure out who I am and what I need without the pressure and stress of trying to do it in the middle of our D/s. So things stopped and I got down to reading and though we weren't doing great, at least some of the pressure I tend to put on myself to be this "Domme" person was reduced. I didn't have the constant thought that I should be in some way controlling elle right now instead of just sitting here reading. In the first week or two we didn't really talk about what was going on and I felt very distant from elle and really much of our relationship. It was very sad, but I tried to keep it in my head that this was happening because I needed some time to figure things out so that when we did try again I had more self awareness and confidence.

In this short time, I think we both realized that what we thought was a complete lack of D/s before had actually been some aspects that had just become second nature that we didn't even consciously connect them to a power exchange any more. Yet when we actually acknowledged that we were going to stop all of it, these little things became more obvious in their absence. It was only a few weeks in before elle came to me and asked if we could bring a little bit back because she was really missing even just the bit that we had. I was too. Slowly we have been building back up, we are talking more, and we are both doing our reading and thinking. I am still far off from really knowing what I want, what my vision for our future power exchange is, or what direction to lead my girl in in order to succeed this time around. Even still, things are going very well. I am taking more control and elle is following my lead more.

This leads me into what my actual topic of thought for this post is. A week or so ago, elle received her first punishment in quite sometime. If you read her post from earlier today you will know why she was punished, if you haven't, here is a brief summary. I have insomnia that is being treated relatively successfully right now with medication. Last week I saw my doctor again and it's been pretty well decided that I am just in a waiting period now until I see a sleep psychologist (this could take up to another year). I thought since a psychologist is basically just going to give me some methods of cognitive behavioural therapy that I could try to get a start on things by going through a workbook on the subject myself. I figured I would read a bit of that, read a bit of D/s and throw in a fiction novel here and there. elle saw my fractured focus as a threat to our progress and after stewing for a few hours told me what she thought. After her initial, halting question of "did I think I could focus on both books" she asked if I would like her opinion which I said yes. She explained her fear - we were going to loose our forward momentum if I let my focus turn to something else simultaneously. I hadn't considered this, so I thanked her for letting me know how she felt and for not burying her feelings for days, as she commonly does.

I was good with all the above. She is free to speak her mind and she did so very respectfully. The punishment came in, when hours later we were heading to bed and she begged for a punishment because she was feeling guilty for second guessing my decision to read the book. With this she put me in a tough spot. I didn't feel she needed to be punished for speaking her mind when there is no restriction in place. I thought she did so respectfully and I often ask for her opinion because I have an intelligent, thoughtful girl. She made a valid point, which I happened to understand and agree with. Whether I would loose my focus, I don't know, but we are doing so well I didn't want to jeopardize that when it brought up fears in elle.

She was however ignoring my side of our conversation when I thanked her for telling me her feelings and that I was not upset with her for doing so. But she felt she did wrong and took it upon herself to decide for me that she needed to be punished. Now another Domme may say that I was giving her exactly that by still punishing her, that they would not have punished her, would let her stew in her guilt, and the lack of punishment and clearing of her conscience would have been the punishment. I don't work in that way. I still gave her a hard, painful spanking. We have wooden handled, rubber...I'm not even sure what you would call it...we call it 'the mother fucker'. It's about eight inches long, one inch wide and half inch thick piece of rubber and it can mother fuckin hurt. It doesn't take much to take it from wonderful pain to painful punishment. I told her why she was actually being punished and once I felt she had, had enough I forgave her and told her it is all behind us.

She is not good at letting things go and forgiving herself. She is still feeling guilty and I don't know what to say. A writing assignment may be the way to proceed with this as she is still going against me but I know it is not a wilful rebellion. Growth involving self forgiveness and letting things go are part of what I need to focus her training on. Radical acceptance as she calls it.

elle desperately wants and needs to have control taken from her, but there is a part that fights tooth and nail against being dominated when it isn't exactly in line with her idea of what that looks like. Such as me telling her she is to make the call to order the sperm I have chosen. Her thought was that I would pick, she wouldn't know any details and when it came time to inseminate that would be the first time she had anything to do with that part of the process. My idea however is to pick the sperm, which I have done, not tell her anything about the donor and make her order this completely anonymous sperm that is going to be used to make her pregnant. Too me that puts my control over her body and the choosing of the sperm much more in her face; to her it gives her a responsibility with the sperm and access to information that can be used to find out about the donor. I think it may come down to me just flat out ordering her to call. I have listened to and considered her side; I have chosen to stay with my original plan. This is where we come down to whether free speech needs to actually be restricted. Perhaps it would help with her guilt to know that she can't just tell me what she thinks on everything hoping I will change course and she will realize that there are times when I may not even want to here her side; I just want her to do what I say.

T minus one hour seven minutes until The Walking Dead! That means time for me to get on with a few other things before the fabulous zombies return. Are your ready for the zombie apocalypse?

Journalling

Part of the reason that I haven't written since last time is that I am also keeping a paper journal. To be honest, I am not a computer kind of girl and I find it almost cold to type out my feelings on a keyboard than to pick up my favourite pen and a book and write. But upon learning last night that there are at least a few people who read my/our ramblings I thought that I'd transcribe some of what I have been writing in my journal to here.

When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?

Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and  it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.

Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.

Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!

Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.

Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar  and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.

Hello Again! Maybe Baby?!?

I had a choice. Once upon a time I had a choice. Now I don’t, I don’t have any say at all in fact. And that’s the way She and I both want it.

Here’s some background info that will help clear things up. Lee and I have been in the process of jumping through all of the hoops of trying to have a baby! It all started officially last spring with a visit to our doctor for a referral to a fertility clinic since we can’t do things the old fashioned way. Since then we (well, mostly me since I will be carrying out baby) have had to have a variety of tests and I had minor surgery but we have finally have gotten to the point where we are ready to order our donor sperm and start actively trying.

Now, back to the topic at hand, my lack of choice. In the beginning of the baby process it was assumed that we would choose a donor together. After the first time we looked we decided that I wasn’t going to be involved in the initial selection. To me it didn’t matter. The way I explain it to friends and family is like this: when you are choosing a mating partner you don’t choose someone that has the qualities that you want your future children to have. So it really doesn’t matter, to me, what colour hair the person has, what they do for a living or anything else. But it does to Lee. She had read a book of short stories, one of which talked about the “other mother” choosing the donor. So we decided we would do that too, Lee would narrow it down to a few choices and we would pick one from those together. This was the plan for many months until recently when I asked Her to take away that choice.

More background info. Lee and I have been really focusing on getting our D/s running more smoothly lately. Since moving we have had a lot of good intentions and a few good attempts but for one reason or another we always “fell off the bandwagon". Lately we have been going well. Also, we have come to the realization that we feel more closely relating to the Daddy/girl labels than Domme/sub one. I almost exclusively call Lee Daddy in private and at kink-friendly events so I am going to use that here instead of Madam, which we have all but abandoned (we have talked about trying out Sir for more formal and /or play situations).

In our relationship, Lee owns me entirely. She is not required to, but often does, consult me about what is done with Her property, anything from my body or our home. I trust Her to make safe, sound choices for us and i have chosen to follow Her. So because of our renewed effort in our D/s I have had a substantial increase in my feelings of submission (obviously!).

And back to the main event again. I imagine that is what spurred my decision to give over the donor choice entirely to Daddy about two weeks ago. I had thought about it for days and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it showed my commitment to our dynamic and relationship.

Telling Lee that I didn’t want to be involved in choosing the donor has been a source of a huge emotional conflict for me though. When I told Her that I felt very submissive giving up this choice She told me that, for Her, it had nothing to do with ownership. For Lee, having exclusive choice of the donor was more about contributing what She could to the making of our baby. Hearing Her say that took away the feeling of being owned immediately. It was so devastating to hear Her say that. For the past few days I had been walking around in a bubble of submission and service to Lee and that bubble popped. One cannot be owned without someone owning them, right? Daddy wasn’t claiming ownership over my body and reproductive rights so that means I still have control over it? I can still say no to whomever She chooses? I struggled with feeling like I had just been abandoned.  During that time I felt very unsure of how I was going to be able to fully submit to someone who I felt like didn’t want total control of my body. We played and during that scene Lee landed a pretty hard boot kick in a not nice hurt kind of way. The next day I had a huge black/purple bruise, and I don’t bruise easily. Daddy was so excited that She had finally marked me but at the same time sad that she wouldn’t be able to reproduce it since it was a bad hurt. I didn’t think much of it and we went about our day. I can’t remember exactly how long after (the next evening maybe?) She was admiring it again. I, out of nowhere, blurted out that I would let Her do it again any time to see that look on Her face. At that exact moment I had that same owned feeling wash over me again. I am coming to the realization that I am the kind of submissive that really requires the “active” Dominant type. I have known that I need it but I am realizing that I really function best as a submissive/slave when Daddy’s presence is felt strongly in my soul. Again after the pain realization I was in my submissive bubble as I am now coming to understand it as.

On a semi-related topic, we have been to two meetings of the local MAsT group. Which is nice because we have both been feeling isolated and I think we might be able to make some good friends through this group.

Yes I know I ignored the fact that it's been months since either one of us have posted anything. I hope to get back into writing here on our little blog, though I’m sure there is nobody actually reading this, it helps to write out my thoughts and organize them into something semi-coherent.

It's been how long!?

So it's been a year and a half since our last post, but I'm basically going to just pretend it was yesterday and just jump right back into the thick of it and hope some fine folks are still interested in reading:)

Since moving here our Ds has gone through many ups and downs. We were on a downwards slope leading up to moving and since getting here we haven't been able to really find our stride for more than a short stint at a time. I know we have both gone through times where we aren't really feeling it for ourselves and need the other to pick up the slack first, but it's kind of the chicken and the egg dilemma. I do better at Domming when elle is already in that slave frame of mind, and she can get there easier when I am showing My control over her. Yes as "The Domme" I guess it is up to Me, I am in charge after all, but is it totally weak Domme behaviour to ask her to help Me (us) get there? Probably. Though I have never fit the combat boots or stillettos of born-to-be Dommes so I guess I should just stick to My own comfy shoes instead.

Two weekends ago we had a great scene where I kicked her for the first time with My (combat, lol) boots on. It was great on both ends. She drifted away for a while which I haven't managed to get her to do in quite some time and she even asked if I might give her a repeat the next night because it was so good for her...I did. It was a fantastic three days and for a few days following she stayed more in her submissive mind frame. We are on a bit of an upswing at the moment where we find it easier to continue at least the smaller aspects of the dynamic and rules.

What makes it harder to continue and built upon this is a) Me being tired a good lot of the time even with sleeping pills b) a few days here and there of conflicting work schedules where we don't even see each other for a few days and c) unexpected moods that make it harder to judge how and where to assert Myself. Lately I have been more Daddy than Madam and we both feel that Madam just really doesn't suit our dynamic. I'm more of a sweet Daddy that makes her little girl feel better, a naughty Daddy that make her little girl feel better wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and a Daddy Domme or Lee that kicks, punches and slaps, ect, her slave. I have to figure out how to be a Daddy Domme in a non-physical way to bring that control into our daily lives and leave sweet and naughty to more specific occasions. I think I will shortly be changing My name on fetlife from MadamLee to something more fitting. 

elle is now on her third of four evening shifts. Two where okay because they were on the weekend so we get the morning together as I'm off, but now I wont see her again until Wednesday after I'm off work. I do like My alone time as I'm sure she likes hers too, but I always feel after that I put even more pressure on Myself to step up to make up for the missed few days which usually means of course it doesn't happen and I beat Myself up more and then I go into more of a self loathing spiral for once again failing. This dynamic would flow a lot easier if we could both manage to take the pressure off ourselves and afforded ourselves the room to fumble. Maybe we will learn that in the years to come.

Anyway, before I started writing this, I read back through a number of the more recent posts that we had and I feel a bit more of a renewed belief that we did this fairy well before and we can again and I realized I really need to get back to writing as well because I really enjoyed working on the story I put a brief excerpt from in here. 

Well, not really anything juicy to this post, but I plan to update frequently and to have elle doing so as well. Come on back soon and I'll try to make it more worth your while;) Perhaps I will give elle some new writing assignments too.  

Update

Lately things around here have been pretty busy. i've been packing and getting us organized for moving. Last week Lee's mom was here visiting us. While she was here she helped us take our four cats to the vet. Lee and i have been going to places and doing things that we want to get done before leaving Victoria. She only has 2 more weeks of work left then we have a few days to go hiking one last time on my favorite trail (we're still deciding if we have time to make it an overnight) and do a few other things. i've also been busy with my course.

On the kink side of life, there hasn't been much time for that unfortunately. The other day i surprised Lee when she came home from work dressed sexy. We had a great evening of sex. i begged Lee to fist me which She happily obliged. Hopefully we will have time before we move to do the interrogation scene that we have been talking about.

Well, that's about all for now. i'll try to write again soon.

Moving Plans

There is only six weeks until we move.

We are doing well for savings. The more the better though, right?
Our flights are booked.
We only need to get one more kennel for the cats.
We are going to keep our sleeping bags unpacked and just sleep here on the floor the last night rather than going to a hotel as we had first planned so that will save us a bit of money.
It looks like i  should be getting my new licence any day now so then i can start applying for jobs. i guess i need to work on my resume.
We are going to take all of the cats to the vet when Lee's mom is here for a visit in a few weeks so we don't have to take them on the bus.
We have started to look at places online and my mom has agreed to go look at a place if we find one we really think we might like. Lee really wants to find a house or a duplex with a basement.
i have packed a few boxes, just books, but i have started.

There are a few things we want to do/see here before we move so we need to make a plan of action for that.

The time is going to fly and i need to get more organized or soon things are really going  to pile upon me. i am also taking an online class right now so that needs my attention too.

Oh yeah, and there's that interrogation scene that we are planning. It's happening next week.

Polyamory

Why am i interested in polyamory? What benefits do i see it having on our relationship? This is this week's assigned topic.

Before i answer Lee's question i though it would be best to mention how Lee and i envision our poly relationship. i'm sure that i've mentioned before that Lee and i have talked about one day having a third woman join our relationship but i don't know how detailed i have described our ideal situation. So here it is. We want someone who would want to be in a closed poly relationship (i think that's the term... what i mean is that it would be a three way relationship, no outside romantic partners, maybe non-sexual play partners, we haven't quite decided on that yet). Our ideal woman would be a sub with some switching tendencies or a switch that usually bottoms. We envision the sleeping arrangement as Lee having the primary bedroom and our partner and i would share a second bedroom. Our partner and i would alternate each night between the two rooms, so one of would would be with Lee while the other has the second bedroom and then trade the next night. Lee has said that She would want both of us to sleep with Her on occasion too. Working and household responsibilities are kind of up in the air and depends on what our partner did career wise and how service orientated they were.

So on to answering Lee's question...

i think that the biggest reason that i am interested in pursuing  a poly relationship is the additional emotional support. With an additional person around when one of us is having a bad day there are more people to give support. This also means that the burden of being the "supporter" is shared. Lee and i don't have a large circle of friends and having another person in an intimate relationship would be nice.

Money may not be everything but let's be honest, it is definitely nice to be financially well off. Having a third person in a household meas that we could have at least two full time incomes, maybe even two full time and one part time and still maintain our household the way that Lee wants.

And then there are the sexual benefits. A new person brings new ideas and experiences. She may have new techniques, scene ideas, etc. that Lee or i haven't thought of. She may also push boundaries further than we are currently comfortable with (in a good way). Having a third person would open up new possibilities for scene ideas that are just not possible with only two people. Also, if one of is "in the mood" and the other isn't maybe our partner will be and there will be less stress in that regard.