Struggling with slavery

i am currently reading "If This is a Woman Inside Ravensbruck: Hitler's Concentration Camp for Women" by Sarah Helm. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it and already this book has stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me. It absolutely baffles me how people could carry out such horrific acts on others. It has made me question calling myself a slave.

i told Master a couple of days ago about how i am feeling. We talked for a little while about it. When She asked me what i wanted to do about it, i asked Her that that depended on whether She was wanting for me to reconcile my feelings with the idea or if we are going to look at trying to find new words. She told me that She expects reconciliation.

i have been tasked with trying to figure out how. How do i separate my slavery with true slavery? i feel like me being called/calling myself a slave makes light of the tremendous suffering and terror that true slaves went through throughout history and are, to this day, still going through. How on any level can i, sitting in comparatively absolute luxury, equate myself to someone who has know real horror? i have never known what it is like to be starved, tortured, made to live in filth and disease, used for medical experimentation and worked to death. i have never had to worry that at any moment i might be killed for any reason. i have the ability to talk with anybody i choose, read anything i want and speak up if i think my Master is doing something that will harm me.

How can i call myself a slave? Yes, i am my Master's property but does that make me a slave? Is that enough? i have the ability, as mentioned earlier that i have the right to speak up, but i don't have the right to tell Master what She will do with that information. i have given over control to Her but in reality i have done so willingly and freely and could at any moment revoke that consent. Yes that would probably end our relationship. She would have no right to "hunt" me down and force me to come back if i left. Does She doesn't have the "right " to transfer ownership of me to another master, that is something that we negotiated in the beginning. She has full control of our relationship but if that relationship ends so does Her control of me and what my future will be.

i think that the difference is a word that, up until now, i have left out of this.That word is Consent. A am a consensual slave. But isn't that an oxymoron?

i still don't have an answer yet, i imagine that it will take more time and soul searching before i can come to terms with my slavery.

Somewhere in my "researching" someone said something along the lines that just because that you can use your property any way you chose that not everything you have the right to do is right, morals still apply to Masters (and slaves)w. i willingly gave up my freedom to Master because i knew that She will use me well. She respects me and is not careless in how She deploys her Mastery over me. 

i'm sure there will be more to come on this topic in the future.

Mental Health, MAsT, Service and PXS All In One

This is elle writing, i couldn't get the internet on my account to work so i'm using Sir's- hence this post being authored under Her name.

I'm home from work today with some sort of stomach bug so i thought i'd try to write a post even though it's only been a couple of days since the last one.

i seem to get sick a lot, like almost monthly there seems to be something going on. i've read before that people with mental health problems, especially during 'flare-ups', get physically sick more often as well. I would definitely say that i'm having a flare-up now. About two months ago Master and i went to our doctor and asked him to reduce my anti-depressant medication as it seemed like i was feeling very anxious and agitated/on edge all the time. He agreed and also gave me a script for an adjuvant med to try if i found i was getting more depressed. But, i can't take it. It's not recommended if you're pregnant or trying to become pregnant.
For the first couple of weeks after the reduction i was doing okay, more than that i felt emotionally and mentally stable for the first time in a long time. Then i hit the edge of the cliff and for the past six weeks or so i have been more and more depressed. i have begged Sir to let me die more days than not i think and have gone for weeks without having a day that i didn't cry. We have added zinc and magnesium to the concoction of 'happy' pills that i take on a daily basis; omegas, vitamin D, iron and Wellbutrin.
Are they helping? i haven't seen a big change but maybe the frequency of crying has decreased slightly in the last 10 days or so. i don't know how long it would take before either of them are helping. And, yes, i know i should have probably only started one at a time to see which one (if it is only one) that is working but with the way i have been feeling i didn't have the time to do med trials properly, i just need results. Maybe once i have things stabilized again i will remove one and see if there are any changes.

Last night i asked Sir about seeing if some of the T.V. shows that we can't get might be available on iTunes, for example Orange is the New Black. i've heard a lot of talk about this show but i've never seen it. And we can't change our cable because it is provided through our landlord. At one point in the discussion Sir got all excited about seeing all the ladies in their inmate uniforms, and i responded that yes that would be nice but i was interested in seeing the guards. i pointed out how stereotypical of us it is to pick the side we did and we had a good laugh over it.

Last weekend was our monthly MAsT discussion on service. It was supposed to be presented by Master and myself as well as two of the other organizers but one was sick so a friend stepped in at the last moment to help us out. The discussion went well, there was some great conversations. The research and private discussions that Master and i had prior to the group discussion really have made me think about the service i provide Master in our dynamic. We have been reading Real Service by Raven and Joshua which has made me think a lot about the whys and hows of my service. One thing that i've been contemplating is why i enjoy service. In Real Service, it is mentioned that people are drawn to service either for the service itself but more often for the control.  i believe that i enjoy being of service because of both but being under Master's control is usually what attracts me. I do also very much enjoy serving just to see Her happy; i think for most people it's not one or the other which is what i felt they were saying in the book.

We've talked briefly about the level of protocol, rules, etc that Master is expecting for Power eXchange Summit. There will be many more conversations about PXS, especially if we drive. i'm getting so excited and nervous about the whole idea!

Exciting News! We're Going to PXS!

Hopefully...

(FYI: This post was written jointly)

At the moment it comes down to elle's work boss approving some shift swaps before tickets sell out.

We will be driving 2000 kms each way for a whirlwind of a weekend at Power eXchange Summit in Columbus, Ohio!

That is, if Lee passes Her road test on Friday. (Good luck Master!) If not, we'll be flying. This trip is not going to be cheap either way, and we've been saving for a while now, but with how low the Canadian dollar now is, our cash flow will take a pretty big hit exchanging it for American.

MAsT: Winnipeg is generously donating the profits from the 50/50 raffles that we had at our meeting last night and will be having at our upcoming workshop and meeting. We are also thankful to a couple of very generous friends that gave us a donation! We hope to learn many new things; both for our relationship and that we can share with MAsT: Winnipeg.

There are a number of great classes to choose from but the vibe from being around so many people in the Ms lifestyle is a big part of why we want to go. It will be intoxicating. We aren't public players, so one thing that really attracts us to PXS is that on the Saturday night they have a casino night rather than a dungeon. Having the casino games will allow us to meet and socialize with people we might otherwise not have a reason to approach and with the games acting as a kind of built-in icebreaker, which is great as neither of us are the greatest at approaching new people and striking up a conversation.

So stay tuned as we get ready for our big adventure!

30 Days of Kink Days 3-5 Take Two

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Lee - I didn’t actually become aware that I was kinky until elle and I started playing around in the bedroom and I don’t even remember how that began. I know she was the one to broach the subject though and for a while we switched. It didn't take long to decide what side we needed to be on and we realized that the kinky stuff was awesome but we wanted more of a lifestyle and not just a bedroom activity.  If not for elle, I think this may have remained buried inside me for a long time and I would still be having the minimally satisfying, one sided, let more and more time pass between, kind of sex that I had before. My other relationships just had not be nurturing and supportive enough to put myself out there in any way. This lifestyle would have been out of the question.  

elle - How did I discover that I am kinky? Well, I don’t really think that one 'discovers' that they are kinky any more than one would 'discover' that they are gay or any other variant of mainstream, sexually or otherwise. Realizing my sexuality, both as a lesbian and a slave were learning processes. It didn't happen in an aha moment, it was more like a trickle out of a leaky faucet. As I mentioned the first time I answered these questions I imagine porn probably made me realize that I was turned on by kinky sex, which lead me down the path to where I am now.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Lee - Before being aware of any kinks, I read some of the Gor series and really got off on the ones that were focused on the slaves. Some of my own writing involved aspects that could have been considered on the kinkier side as well. Also, an ex and I played around with roleplay once or twice in which I took the top role.  None of these made it even cross my mind that maybe there was more out there to discover.

elle - From a young age, I have had kidnapping/abduction and rape fantasies. Usually the assault was by a group of people who would make me do humiliating things or do them to me. When I was in my early 20’s, my then girlfriend and I had, I guess what you would call a rape scene, twice. We were, admittedly high both times. But even though I was not sober I could tell that really enjoyed the way it made me feel. I was fairly sexually promiscuous, with both men and women, from the time I started having sex until I met Lee. To be honest, I quite enjoyed the one night stands (for the most part), even though the sex was usually not the best. I liked feeling slutty and a bit used. I liked the humiliation of having to take the bus/walk home in my bar-star clothes on Easter Sunday morning as church was letting out (true story). With some of my partners some light kink stuff happen during sex, you know, the usual 'beginner' kind of stuff- holding your partner down, dirty talk, some light spanking, a blindfold. None of those experiences were enough to alert me about what my future life would be though. 

To be honest I am not, what some would call, a natural submissive. I was a bossy big sister growing up, my own mother told me I was a little drill sergeant. I think that many people who know me would probably think I would be the one in charge since I am a pretty big control freak. I would probably do okay in the dominant role if I were in that position but Master and I have chosen a different path.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Lee - The roleplay mentioned above. I'm pretty sure it was their idea. I was a psychologist that basically talked my client into having sex with me as 'therapy'. From what I remember it was quite hard getting into character because I was nervous about doing it right, but after a little while I got more into it and had some fun. It was many years before my next step into the kinky world.

elle - As for my first kinky experience, I'm going to presume that the question is referring to the first experience that was had with the knowledge that what was happening was BDSM. So, for me, that means the first time Lee and I played. I don’t remember that any more, which I think is kind of sad in a way. But from reading my 2011 answer I discovered that I topped Her the first time we played. As an aside though, I texted that tidbit of info to Master a bit ago and we both agreed that it didn't come as a surprise that I topped Her the first time given our personalities and the fact that She didn't initiate sexy times very often when we first started dating.

30 Days of Kink Days 1 & 2 Take Two

We have been quite busy lately, with what I don't know but somehow it is already the end of February, and our writing has gotten a bit behind. I hope to be changing that and getting us onto a somewhat regular schedule. I'm not really going to give any kind of update today though, but will shortly. For now, we have decided to work through the 30 days of kink questions and will be posting our answers together. elle started answering these questions a few years back so it will be interesting to see what kind of changes we will see. You can find her original thirteen in the archives.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Lee - I am a Master in a power exchange marriage. I have been slow to find my place as a Master because, unlike most in this lifestyle, I don't feel this was the 'role' I was born into. I have a pretty easy going to the point of passive personality which is quite in conflict with our dynamic. However, we could not live any other way. I've had a tendency to let people wipe their shoes on my back and have felt very unappreciated and used because of it. Neither of us wanted that in our relationship. I needed to take the control and be able to say 'no', to have elle show her devotion to me through submission and service, and to grow into a stronger person. Living 24/7 M/s has made me feel more appreciated and cared for then I ever have before. elle is my most prized possession.

I am also a Daddy. It is in our Daddy/girl times that I take much more direct care of my girl, where I can dote on her and make her feel extra special...and sometimes I violate her innocence. Having a Daddy side helps balance our dynamic in that it gives us some time to interact on a very casual level. The power exchange is always there but elle serves in a more helping Daddy out kind of way rather than through orders and rules - even if she is doing the same thing.

elle - I am an owned slave, property. More accurately, I am 24/7 live-in slave married to my Master. M/s and power exchange is how Lee and I live our lives together and the guiding principle of our relationship. I have surrendered myself to Master and thrive in being of service to Her. My day-to-day life is also influenced by our M/s dynamic, for example, I ask Lee before accepting extra shifts at work. In all things I do, I am her slave first and foremost.

I also have a little side, though I don’t really consider myself to be a little per se. I don’t have an exact age as a little, I find that my “little age” seems to fluctuate depending on the situation. Although in the beginning our Daddy/girl dynamic was nonsexual, it has changed over time and now we do incorporate age play in our sex on occasion.

Day 2: List your kinks.

elle - For us kink is how we play. So my answer will be based upon that. When it comes to play, I'd say that my main kink is pain. I’m a masochist; I love rough body play (especially when I get to fight back) and heavy impact stuff. Pretty much anything that’s going to leave me with deep purple bruises when we’re finished is right up my alley.

I enjoy many other activities though - sexual use/ownership including forced sex or rape play and orgasm restrictions, choking and breath play, psychological play (either mindfucks or humiliation), bondage and/or restraint.

My all-time favourite toys are Lee’s hands, fists, boots and voice.

Lee - Defining my kinks is a bit hard. I love making elle moan, scream, cringe and whimper, however that may be accomplished. Quite often that is done through rough body play (punching, kicking, slapping) which is my favorite activity. There is a lot of power behind pulling back and kicking your slave as she lay on the floor. It's intoxicating. I have a sadistic streak and love giving elle pain and really enjoy the day or two following when bruises are fresh on her arms and I can give her a tight hug and kiss while hurting her at the same time. I love having physical struggles with her and overpowering her; the more she fights back the more I can get out of my head and into the moment. Rape play or CNC is wonderful. Bondage and breath play. Humiliation play such using the ball gag to make her drool and derogatory name calling and making her admit to being or liking such things is really fun, as is making her beg for something she starts off saying she doesn't like or want. Just to name a few.

Check back soon for more answers.

Thoughts and Realizations

I'm writing as I think so things are a bit jumbled up and erratic. I'm just writing what comes to mind as it comes to mind. Sorry if it’s a bit confusing or hard to follow.

Life has been so busy lately. Our day-to-day M/s is still going well. I’d love to be playing more but any time we have time to play it seems to be that one or both of us are tired or not feeling well. Or, I have the desire to be beaten at a bad time, like when Master’s not home or we’re out or we have other things going on that can’t be postponed. I wish I had the ability to extend the day or pause time or some such shit, that would be lovely.

Lee and I recently hosted our second presentation at our MAsT group. Hosting discussions has been really good for us, both the discussions themselves and the conversations that we have before and after. Our first presentation was on how life changes can influence your power dynamic and the most recent was on discreet D/s, how to maintain your power exchange while in (vanilla) public situations.  

Thought #1:

When I'm in full slave mode I don’t feel very sexual or romantic. This is something that I have just come to understand. Majority of the time I still enjoy providing sexual service (deep throating, being a fuckhole, providing oral sex, etc.) but things like kissing and caressing feel almost confusing. Like kissing someone you work for (I imagine, I never actually done it). When I'm in full slave mode Lee is my Master, my Owner, my Boss. The wife and lover part seems to fade into the background. I don’t feel like I'm adequately explaining how I feel but I can't seem to find the right words to describe it so on to the next thought….

Thought #2:

I really need to learn how to tell Master when there is something that I need and stop trying to ignore my needs (I’m talking mainly play/sex needs right now). I have such a hard time getting over the topping from the bottom thing that I just don’t say anything and try to either ignore my needs or try to hint at them to Lee. Neither of which work well at all. Usually I end up getting frustrated and upset and lash out somehow. There are a few reasons that I don’t say anything. The first one is I keep telling myself that I don’t know what Master has planned, just wait, be patient, maybe what I want is still to come. Along with that is the fact that I’m not in charge so I “don’t get to decide what happens” (no topping from the bottom!), which Lee and I have gone over many times and I know She doesn’t see it that way but in my head, I can’t get over it. Along the same-ish line is that I want to do things that Master wants to do. That doesn’t really make sense. What I mean is that I want to do the things that She has been thinking about doing just as much as I want to do the things that I have been hoping for since a lot of my fantasies are based on being used. Which lead to the next thought…

Thought #3

I don’t know if Master gets the urge to beat me or use me or fantasises about it. If She does, I don’t think it’s very often. And not like the urges I get to be beaten and used I'm sure. Some days I wonder if the thoughts in my head are that of a sane person though. I mean why would anybody dream of getting beaten and used until they puke and/or pass out?!? I'm sure that Master doesn’t ever think about beating me to that point, not even close. But I don’t know for sure because She doesn’t really tell me what She wants either. Very rarely does She ever say that She wants to do or have me do something (other than that She wants to gag me on Her cock, She tells me that fairly regularly!). I don’t think I could confidently say what most of Lee’s kinks even are specifically. Is that bad?!? We’ve been doing this for over 4 years now and I still don’t really know what my Master’s kinks are or what She wants to explore! Sure our relationship is Master/slave and has a huge power exchange dynamic, but I don’t consider that to be a kink, more of a lifestyle choice really. M/s is how we live our lives. Some people would say that, for them, M/s is a kink but I think that the majority of those people probably don’t live it 24/7 and they only “do” M/s during playtime. Yes, M/s is involved in our play, but it’s involved in every other aspect of our lives as well. Our kinks are what we play with. The beatings (both with Her body and implements), breath play, bondage, psychological play/mindfucks, and being used sexually. Those are my main kinks.

Thought #4:

My thoughts on each of my kinks

Being beaten:

Lying on the floor with Master’s boots landing hard on my body grounds me

Being punched on the arms and shoulders so hard/much they can't move they are so sore

Being hit on the face

Rhythmic beat of flogger, hand, mother fucker or other implement is like a drum, sets the beat for the rest of the “music”

Hard and heavy mixed with a bit of light and stingy i.e. alternating between being kicked and caned on the ass and thighs

Breath play:

The fear and panic of not being able to breathe

Loss of control over an extremely vital bodily function

The burn in my lungs as the oxygen beings to run out

Bondage:

Being unable to resist an attack or struggle/fight back-defenseless

Burn in the muscles and joints from being held tightly for a long period of time

Psychological play:

Keeps my mind engaged, bombards another sense (hearing)

Reinforces the physical domination

Being broken down to be rebuild back up in Master’s vision

Sexual use:

Being used for entertainment- made to perform activities for Master to watch (masturbation, hurting myself, etc.)

Humiliation from being exposed or forced to cum

Being owned (penetrated) and loss of rights over what happens to and in my body

Have Lee somehow kind of state the plan for the scene i.e. “I'm going to beat you until my arms can't move, then I’ll use that pretty mouth of yours to clean me up after I make myself cum.

Look at scheduling play and negotiate in advance

No Means No Unless it Means Yes

Since everyone seems to be talking about it, I thought I would sorta kinda touch on the whole Ghomeshi mess. I don't care to talk about if I think he is or is not innocent; I wasn't there so my opinion means nothing along with all those out there saying he is a scumbag or those saying he was fired without cause. He knows, the ladies know, perhaps the rest of us will know in time.

What I will say is how easily this lifestyle of ours could blow up in our faces if someone turned on us as he is claiming. I would not be innocent.

I have nice shiny combat boots I wear to kick my slave. I have paddles and other implements I use to hit her ass, thighs and arms. I have two fists that I use to punch her body. Two hands that I have wrapped around her throat. She has said no, crying when I've fucked her. I've slapped her face, tied her down, locked her in a cage. 

I have beaten her, raped her, confined her. She has consented.

She begs me to stop, then pleads for me to continue. She cries out no, then thanks me when we're spent. She struggles to escape, then melts into a bliss when she can not. 

We have talked about it endlessly. We have negotiated and renegotiated. We have written it down to hold each other accountable. We have grown and fused and become better people and better together. 

None of that would matter. Consent does not matter when the result is seen as assault and battery. Consent can be easily skewed and quickly taken away. When she says no and I keep going what argument is there in me saying, but she really meant yes. Ha! No means no...maybe means no...not now means no...we've heard it all before.

So how do we protect ourselves when even proof of consent like a contract could actually be used against you to prove that you did these things and they were premeditated. Trust and hope is all we really have. Trust that the people you do such things with will never turn on you whether the relationship lasts or not. Trust that you are not a dumbass and do know when no means yes and no means no. Hope that the relationship does keep going and you can keep doing what you love to do together. Hope that in the event of a breakup you can all remain adults, be accountable for your own shit and move on. 

I trust elle implicitly. I'm not writing this to say I have it in the back of my head that if we ever divorce she may turn on me. Not worried about that in the least. That's not the way to have a loving, nurturing relationship that you want to last forever. However, it has crossed my mind what if someone was walking by and heard her cries, what if the guy upstairs called the cops, what if someone peeked in the window and saw me kicking her. It doesn't require her being the one to press charges for things to turn bad.  

It is an awesome, scary thing that we take part in and well worth it in my life. 

What I'm basically saying though is, all you front of the slashers are probably guilty sinners that will gather together in kinky hell. All of you back of the slashers are equally guilty and sinful for allowing such nasty things to be done to you and will also be meeting us in kinky hell. We'll have a play party for eternity. I'll bring my boots.