Getting my Tattoo Done

In less than 48 hours i will be getting my tattoo done of the bruise on my forearm from being waterboarded at Fall From Grace last summer. i have been waiting for this day to come for many months now. i am slightly concerned about how i will explain it to the vanilla folk, especially my parents as i’m sure that at least my mother will ask prying questions and simple vague answers will not suffice. i plan on telling people that it’s my version of the semicolon, i’m bruised but not broken kind of idea. So far the few vanilla people that i told that i’m getting it done and explained why have taken my explanation without question so maybe it will work. If it looks real enough maybe people won’t even think to ask as they will just think that i have a bruise. i have been going back and forth about where exactly on my arm to get it done. If i get it up a bit from where it was actually when it was a real bruise then i will be able to cover it with a ¾ length shirt if/when needed. The whole point of getting it though is to replicate the exact bruise that i received and i don’t know if moving it will change how i feel about it. i think that i will end up getting it in the same place as it was originally and just wear full length shirts when it needs to be covered up.

Short and sweet today, just wanted to quickly touch base and say hi!

What It Feels Like to Fall - My Top Drop

elle has asked me to write about Top drop for her submissive's group, so I figured I would try to get my thoughts out here since I had some this week.

We had a great weekend and ended up having an amazing, intense, unplanned scene with Kahwaii. Our first time playing with her and it was like we'd been doing so for ages. It was kind of weird how in tune we were with our energy, rhythm, highs and lows opposite to keep the intensity up and that we could communicate without a word spoken. We pushed each other to give more and in turn pushed elle to take more. elle came out of it with bruises nearly everywhere and a lot more floaty than I've managed to get her in sometime.

I came out of it pretty high myself. Then I crashed. Sunday afternoon we didn't really have time to process because we were busy seeing family - bowling for our nephew's birthday and dinner with grandparents in the middle of which a huge ball of anxiety filled my belly. Sitting at the dinner table, half way through eating, and my stomach was suddenly in my throat, heart pounding, body shaking (luckily only noticeable to me). I've been getting this feeling a lot lately though, so it's definitely not all drop.

Usually my drop revolves more around feeling guilty for beating on my wife...it's my wife, not slave, that is covered in bruises while I am feeling guilty. I start to worry that I went too far, or let it go too far with someone else. Did I miss a look, a sound, a twitch that meant she was done but I kept going? Did her cries of no more, actually mean no more this time even though no doesn't mean no? Did I let my high interfere with keeping her safe? Did I harm rather than hurt her? And on and on and on. My brain can't just see the bruises, see the smile and accept that it's all good. Not for a day or two at least.

Maybe that's why I like the fight back. If I end up hurting in someway then I'm reminded that it was consensual. I can move my arm and feel the ache of bruises and be brought out of my head enough to at least briefly see the smile and remember the glazed, floaty look she had. I can poke the bruises, hear the sharp intake of breath (good they still hurt) and be asked 'what was that for?' I almost always answer 'love' and it reminds me that it really was for love.

I don't get drop every time or even most times. It really depends on what was done to her, what marks she has after, how intense it was and where my head already is in it's cycle of self doubt and insecurity. Like I said, I am having a lot of anxiety lately (or at least what I am calling anxiety because I don't have a better word), so this week drop is combined with that to become overwhelming and nauseating. Monday I could barely get through work with the sick feeling of my stomach in my throat, really bad internal shakes, heart pounding like it was going to bust through my chest and an inability to eat until dinner.

Tuesday was when all the stuff in my head started to make noise. Guilt, doubt, insecurity, 'proof' of all that I was telling myself. It got to the point where I was nearly making myself cry at my desk and I felt like I could barely breathe. It was really hard getting out of my head, even when Kahwaii was here. I just kept falling back in.

When I am dropping, I need to be reassured that everything was enjoyed, it didn't go too far, the pain is a wonderful reminder of a great time, and the marks are desired and loved. I need to be cuddled and snuggled, to be close and see that my touches aren't going to make her flinch and cower in just regular togetherness. I need to be checked in on/with and told, without asking, that she enjoyed it and is looking forward to more. Basically, I just need to be reassured that I'm not an awful person for hurting her and getting off on it.

Chocolate helps too!

After a few days, I come out of it and can see the beauty in the bruises, remember the sounds of enjoyment as it was happening, and hear the pleasure in her voice when I poke at the marks.

Not many people seem to admit they've experienced Top drop. Whether they really haven't or it's to keep up the tough Domly Dominess, I don't know. Maybe they just need to handle it on their own, in their own way. If that works for them, great. I already keep too much bottled up and away from most people that I know I need to lean on elle, for both our sakes. Working through drop together, mine and hers, keeps us connected and communicating during a time where it's really easy to get lost inside yourself and spiral down.

So this happened...

Change comes in many forms and the latest change in our life comes in a sexy package.

We have met someone, who we are going to call Kahwaii for now, and are starting to explore the possibilities. It's been just a short time, but I feel like I am on an emotional roller-coaster. elle and I have been just the two of us for our entire relationship. she has some experience in this, but not a lot, and I have none. Over the years we have talked a lot about exploring having a third in our lives in some form, but with the baby trying it just never seemed the time would be right. Now that baby trying has finished, we are working on moving beyond the pain that causes, and going forward in our lives.

There's no time like the present to see where this experience can take us. I'll be honest though, I'm scared...fucking terrified when I move aside the other thoughts in my head. I think crazy, illogical things and put all sorts of irrational what ifs to myself. What if I'm not what she pictures? What if she likes elle more? What if elle likes her more? What if I can't 'perform' (whatever the hell that thought means!) and I fuck it up? What if, what if, what if? I have no logical reason to worry about those things. That's just the lovely place my head takes me out of insecurity.

I'm worried I will turn out to be jealous and can't overcome the sabotage my head might try. I'm not just worried about me though or about elle and I. Kahwaii also has a primary partner that we don't want to harm in anyway. There is, of course, nothing secret in what we are doing. Her partner is well aware and supportive and has a voice in where boundaries may lie. There is a lot of unknowns though and with that comes potential for danger.

This could change so much for us and it's certainly not just bad changes that are scaring me. As much as this could have a bad side, it already feels to have a really good side. If anyone had asked me six years ago before meeting elle if I would be doing 75% of the things we do in our lives, I would have laughed in their face and asked if they were serious. Seriously, you think I could raise a finger let alone a fist or boot to someone I love! Seriously, you think I, introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention, would lead a group in which I facilitate discussions sometimes! Seriously, you think I could possibly be madly in love with someone and want to bring a third person into our lives in a non-platonic way! Seriously, have you met me?!

Funny how with the right catalyst so much can change in a person. Perhaps not even change, but be brought to light. I am however still the introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention person; I just manage to not stumble over my tongue quite as much as I used to. elle entering my life though has opened up my world beyond anything I would have thought possible.

With this change and my nervousness with it all, I have barely been able to eat and my sleep is certainly no better than usual. I force down enough food to give my body at least a bit to work with, but I just don't want to eat and everything makes me want to throw up. It's really awesome how stupid by body is being! I'm starving. I'm excited. I'm lightheaded. I'm excited. I'm exhausted. I'm excited. I'm stressed out. I'm excited. I'm emotional. I'm excited. I'm happy. Oh and did I mention, I'm a little excited. My brain really needs to shut off and shut up for a while.

Well that's my ramble for now, I'm sure I will have more irrational and possibly rational thoughts to talk about soon.

Marking

For the past week i haven’t been feeling well. Let’s just say that i have been having problems with my lady bits and on medications for it. The pills gave me some nasty side effects that i won’t get into but they were bad enough that i left work a bit early on Saturday and called in sick for Sunday and was almost glad that good friends of our had cancelled our weekend plans. Since i haven’t been feeling well, not much has been happening on the kink front in our house. i have been feeling distant from Master and my slavery because of all of this. By Sunday evening, i thought i was feeling better.

Sunday evening Master decided to mark me by peeing on me before showering as She occasionally does. She mentioned that She planned on doing so while we were having our weekly check-in and in my infinite wisdom i made a comment about how we should talk for another hour. That was when She mentioned that She planned on marking my face (which i found out last night was a spur of the moment decision). i thought She was joking. She was not.

Master has me sit in the tub, slouched forward so She can mark me on the top/back of my head usually. This time She made me lean back while She held me by my hair. She stood right in front of me, almost over me a bit. The way we always start the ritual is by Her asking me where i belong and me replying on my knees at Your feet Sir. There is typically a pause before She starts peeing on me but this time because She had been holding it there wasn’t. This meant there wasn’t enough time for me to take a breath. This had the dire consequence of having to take a breath while being marked but she was peeing on my face. The sensation was similar to when i was waterboarded this past summer. Finally when i couldn’t hold it any longer, i turned my head away as much as i could, opened my mouth a bit and took a breath. This meant though that i got some of Master’s pee in my mouth. This is not entirely new but the quantity was more than ever before.

As Master’s pee was pouring down on me i felt a sense of calm come to me, a feeling of being fully owned and loved. i love when She does it because it centers me in a way very little else does. On the surface it may seem like a degrading thing but i feel so wanted and cherished after She does it that to me it’s not at all degrading. After She was finished, She started the shower and allowed me to rinse off then kissed my face and praised me for being Her good girl.

i asked Master last night why She likes to mark me in this way. She told me it’s like claiming what is Hers, like a dog marking its territory. For Her (and i for that matter) it has nothing to do with piss play; it’s all about the power and control of being able to perform such an intimate act together. Everything that woman does goes back to having authority over me!

i asked Her last night How far She plans on pushing the peeing. She couldn’t give me an answer except to say that it probably won’t go back to the way it was before, which means that my face will now be the default location for marking. i’m going to need to grow some gills i guess!

On a semi related note two weekends ago our good friends were in the city for our monthly MAsT meeting and stayed with Master and i. Master made some popcorn for us (cause She makes it way better than i can). Lee, the Master of the couple (J) and i were in the kitchen while his slave (d) was in the bathroom. i don’t remember how exactly it happened but J was holding the bowl of popcorn, i was being bratty and trying to reach it from him and ended up spilling it all over the floor. Master made me get down on hands and knees and eat the popcorn straight off the floor. d came out of the bathroom while this was going on so i had all three of them watching me as i ate like an animal off the floor. And to top it all off Master was recording it. Both Master and J were using their feet to push the popcorn towards me (i hate feet!!!) i never really understood the whole public humiliation kink until then but now i think i do. It was kind of like a gangbang without the sex.

Speaking of sex, we are about half way through my orgasm denial/restriction. Since i wasn’t feeling well down there, this past week hasn’t been any action other than Master getting Herself off on me the other night which made me very horny. i can’t wait for this to be over, but to be honest, it’s not quite as bad as i thought it would be.

Well, i realize this is short but i have an appointment in an hour that i need to get ready for. Have a great day!

M, F, T...Me

What do you call a person that isn't quite a girl, but isn't a boy, and doesn't fall under trans?

Unfortunately, there is no punch line though that sounds like I'm kicking this off with a joke. Nope, this is just my life.

Growing up, people would mistake me for a boy. I never wanted to correct them out of embarrassment which only got worse when they realized and tried to apologize. Usually, I just tried to get away quickly enough that they wouldn't notice their mistake or at least I wouldn't have to hear when they did. This happened often enough that when I was a bit older and someone called me a girl, I was surprised and even made a comment to my mom along the lines of "she knows I'm a girl!"

Now that I am older, it happens on the rare occasion depending on how I'm dressed and I suppose what direction they are coming at me from and that embarrassment is still there. Yet, call me a lady or ma'am and I cringe and feel like telling them I ain't no lady! But...

...what the fuck does that make me? I don't feel like I am in the wrong body, hence not trans. However, there are certain parts of being a dude that would be pretty great. I could be bigger and stronger that I could pick elle up and carry her to bed when she falls asleep on the couch. I could have a built in cock so that in the middle of spontaneous fun times, I don't have to be like pause, hold that thought while I get strapped in, not to mention being able to feel what we are doing would be awesome. I don't actually want to be a guy though.

Being seen as a woman, or even just saying that, is just awkward and uncomfortable. I have the bits and tits which I guess makes me female and I don't exactly want to get rid of them either, but my head doesn't quite match up. It doesn't match up with anything and I don't like the feeling of not knowing 'what' I am. I don't feel like I fit in with most guys; I don't feel like I fit in with most women. If someone is attracted to me, what do they see, what am I, what do they expect me to be?

elle says that I am me and I fit with her and that's all that matters, which yes that is very true. She has accepted me as this and we work amazingly together. With her all I need to be is me, same with a few friends. Beyond that I don't know and I just feel lost, alone, alien.

This is a big part of why I am an introvert I think. If I bury my nose in a book my mind is busy with the story and not having to process the image in the mirror or worry about what others are seeing. Being social means needing to fit inside one of two holes and figuring out what side people are consciously or subconsciously expecting me to be on.

I'm sure I confuse some people, especially when I am called Sir. Which I must say, I love to hear.

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately, maybe because we talk more and more about cucking and/or poly and it makes me so unsure of how to let others know me when I don't know me. It would be a lot easier if life had a back or undo button. I could say something, I could approach someone and if it doesn't go the way I want then I could just hit undo and not feel like a dumbass!

Orgasm Denial and Our Plans for the February long weekend

Three nights ago i had my last orgasm until the February long weekend (the 13-15^th) when Master and i will be attempting a cutting scene again. She will still be using me as Her sex toy during that time but i won’t be allowed to cum. We have set up a punishment structure for if i do go too far and not stop Lee in time. This kind of falls in line with the cuckqueaning idea that we have been fantasizing about. But since Lee doesn’t have a replacement for me and She still has “needs that need fulfilling”, She has continued to fuck me.

i’ve never fully talked about why i want to be cucked and to be honest i’m still not entirely sure why i want it. i think part of it for me is that i love to share what i love. If i am eating something delicious, i want to share it with my table mates. If i know some delightful tidbit of info i want to share it with Lee. i think cucking is kinda the same idea. i love being fucked by Lee and want to share that wonderful experience with another woman (or women, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here!!!) . i also love the humiliation and degrading aspects of being made to watch another woman get to have sex and possibly be beaten by my wife. i want to have a relationship with her too, someone that i could be close to and maybe have a bit of sexy fun together on occasion (to amuse Master, of course!). i also am torn with a love/hate feeling of fully giving up control of something so personal, control of my sexuality. One day down the line i’d love it if Master put me a chastity belt, or i had a piercing done similar to pictures i’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, right now Master has complete control but having a device of some sort is a very real physical reminder that is hard to ignore so you are constantly reminded that your sex is owned by another person. Hot but scary all at the same time.

Lee and i have role-played me being someone else, Her cuckcake. There is a part of me that enjoys the thought of being the cuckcake too. i have had fantasy snippets of getting to be the one having sex with Lee and having another person be cucked. Co-topping in a scene (not “outside the bedroom”) with me being in a more supportive role rather than a full-fledged “Top” is what i picture, which is in line with what i just mentioned. i did enjoy parts of topping when Lee and i first started out and i topped Her but now i don’t have any desire to do those kinds of things to Her for real, despite the jokes that i might make to Master once in a while. Sometimes i do get turned on by the idea of being the top in a scene with someone other than Lee though and Lee and i have briefly talked in the past about me playing with someone else but nothing has ever been pursued.

On the topic of the cutting, those that know me or have read enough of this blog know i have a history of self-harm, primarily cutting. Lee and i want to work through this limit as it has limited our play. i really want to be able to allow my Master to do anything that She wants and right now i can’t do that. We are planning a whole weekend of events for this and chose this specific day being that we both have the time off that we can have two days after just in case i have a reaction like last time. We’ve talked about renting a nice hotel room for the night and having a staycation day on the Sunday but we haven’t planned anything quite yet. i’ll fill in the details next time i write.

Well, that’s all that’s swirling around in my head right now. Except that we just passed the sixth anniversary of our first date! That’s crazy, it feels both far too short of a time and at the same time too long ago!

Let's Cuck

Just a few quick thoughts since I have been very silent here for months!

My sleep deprivation/daytime exhaustion is pretty horrendous again. I am tired all the time and have absolutely no energy and very little interest in doing anything, unfortunately that rather gets in the way of play and sex and life. We have been making a bigger effort to stay focused on day-to-day activities and both of us being more accountable, but I know there are needs of elle's that I am not filling right now. It has gotten to the point where I am feeling a bit more willing to allow her to play with others in order to get what I'm not giving, at the same time though I'm not thrilled with the idea of her having to get her needs filled elsewhere. If it was just about having some fun, it might be a little easier. We haven't actually gone down that road yet, but if this continue as is it will have to become more seriously considered.

We are both leaning more and more towards the idea of cucking. Since coming back from PXS in May and the cucking class they had, we have become much more interested in the idea and more of our sex has involved such fantasy scenarios. How we move from fantasy to reality though, I have no clue. I see the conversation going something like this...

Me: I've been creeping you from that dark corner all night. How about you come back to my place, I tie you up and we have some fun...
Her: Sure that sounds like a great time! (obviously she's had a drink or two, I just told her I've been creeping on her from a dark fucking corner)
Me: Really!? I mean, that's right, it will be a great time. Once I have you helpless, I'll throw you across the bed, wrap my hand around your throat and fuck you to next Monday.
Her: Wow, you're so hot just take me right here. (hmm pliable, drunk girl that wants to do it in the middle of Walmart during a power outage, awesome)
Me: Oh, one thing though, my slave will be locked in her cage in the corner watching everything we do, we will be humiliating and degrading her throughout and if she's been really good, I might let her out to clean up the 'mess.' Sound cool?

So, yeah, I figure I can't fail with how smooth and suave I am with the ladies!

Ok, back to reality.

There's a lot more in my head to write about, but I have come to the end of my available concentration. I'll hopefully be back a lot sooner next time to say more.