Play - My Want, her Need

When we started out in this kinky world, we were bedroom players. We had some fun switching roles and even went so far as to have...or attempt to have, a few interrogation scenes. It was one of those scenes that went so hilariously wrong followed by a sexual scene that resulted in a frantically snapped leg binding that lead us to the defined roles of Dom and sub in the bedroom.  It wasn't long after, day-to-day life started being infiltrated by our "kink" and soon we were living the lifestyle.

We moved into living this 24/7 with rules, protocols, the whole shebang. We have ridden a rollercoaster of highs and lows in our dynamic and throughout, play has always been one of the greatest aspects and most compatibility clashing aspects for us. Like sex for me, I don’t have a high drive that reminds me, or pushes me, or make me yearn for play on a regular basic.

I want play in our life whereas elle needs it. I want the physical connection I feel to her when my boot makes contact with her ass, my fist pummels her arm. I want the sounds of the slap as my hand strikes her and the heat in my fingers when I do it again harder. I want the gasp of her breath when the pain I am delivering winds her and the glazed look in her eyes when I gently punch her cheek. I want the high I feel when I have warmed her up enough to take it harder and she begs for more as she is cringing in pain. I want the emotional connection we feel strengthened afterwards.

I get totally high and giddy from kicking, punching, making my slave hurt and squirm. Hearing her gasp in pain or shock is thrilling. During play I am usually very happy to be doing what I am doing. When a scene is going well, my confidence is through the roof and I feed off elle's responses. Knowing that what I am doing to her is feeding her need for this connection and pain circles back into me and keeps me dishing out more.

When the scene ends, I am still thrumming when it is time for aftercare. Making sure my girl is bundled up, has some juice, a little bit of chocolate, reassuring words when needed and lots of love is my aftercare too. I need the closeness once we are done to ensure she is okay and I didn't go too far, didn't push too much. When I know it went well for us, I am excited and I admit, relieved. I stress myself out a lot when it comes to play, which definitely doesn’t help anything and I think is part of the reason this hasn't become a need for me.

As much as I love play when we are in it, it is sort of a catch 22 for me. In order for me to really get into play and leave behind the stress that is connected to it, I need to be receiving from my slave the responses that build me up and for her to be giving me those responses, I need to be built up so I can really lay into her in a way that she needs.

I'm not great when it comes to running a scene without any planning or discussion between us and elle feels like she is telling me what to do if she says too much about what she is needing and/or wanting. This has led to failed scenes that cause high emotion and frustration and low confidence in moving forward for the next time. I get to the point where I am more focussed on 'this has to go right this time!' pressure, pressure, pressure rather than 'this is going to be great, I'm going to beat her ass.' I don’t like that I can't just get excited and look forward to play because I am too worried about what if it doesn’t go well this time. We have come up with a new way to communicate to help with all this and the one time that we have done it so far worked really well, so I am hopeful.

However, I stick with saying this is a want and not a need for me. I get a lot from it during and take a lot away from it after, when it has gone well. If not for the stress, perhaps I would see all the positive from it as a need but for now it remains a want. Though in our relationship it is a need, because it is a need for elle and we know what it is like to go without. For her it is as much a necessity as air.   

Are We There Already?!?

I have been looking back at some of the old blog posts and amazed at where we've come. Obviously things will change, that’s the nature of life, I know that. I am caught up by how much they have changed. Things that we were struggling with and fantasizing about 4 years ago when we first started are second nature now. Things that i said that i’d never be interested in doing/trying are forefront in our Power Exchange and/or play. Who would have thought!

It was almost 4 years ago exactly when Lee and I first started to explore kink. I confirmed this on Friday evening when we looked back into the history of this blog to reminder ourselves about dates and timelines for things in our relationship. You see, we are hosting next month's MAsT discussion. Looking back at some of things I said in those early posts made me almost laugh. Like when i said that i don’t consider myself submissive sexually because Lee and I talk about our sex and play so that we both get what we want. Where should we start with what’s wrong about that?! ? Or that I have no interest in sexual age play- writing that just now made me literally laugh out loud! Towards the beginning i used writing prompts to help drum up topics for me to write about (I know, what a concept!) I've been mulling over the idea of going over some of my old answers  and writing a new post with my new answers, see what has changed and, if i can track it, the evolution of how we got from one point to the other.

That wasn't the point of this blog post though. The point of this post is to express my nervousness at the idea of giving a presentation. I realize that it is a small group and probably most of them in the room will be people we know but i don’t know if i feel qualified to give others suggestions for their PE, M/s, D/s, etc. Sometimes i feel like we are still actors playing roles, or even more accurately, stand-in actors playing somebody else’s role. Yes, we live our M/s 24/7 but is that enough to be, in a way giving others advice for their relationship(s).

Although we have been doing this for 4 years, it has only been within the last 5 months or so that things have been going consistently well for us. For a good portion (about a third) of that 4 years there was very little M/s in our relationship. How much time and experience does one need before they are “qualified”?-I don’t know that that can be answered. Ok yes, our MAsT meetings are not big events and hosting a discussion isn't like giving a presentation at a conference (or anything even close it for that matter) but there has to be some level of accountability and responsibility to our MAsT Winnipeg membership and meeting attendees that what we are saying is legit. Do we have enough experience and knowledge to do that? I guess we do otherwise the MAsT leaders wouldn't have agreed to have us do it. (We weren't the ones to say we wanted to do this topic, it was kind of thrust upon us when our presenters had to back out.) The topic is something we have some experience with- keeping up the Power Exchange while undergoing life changes. And luckily we have about 5 weeks to organize our thoughts. We got an outline going on Friday with the key points that highlight the changes in our relationship and how they helped/hindered us. There is much work left to be done but i don’t think it will be too hard.

Actually standing up in front a room of people and talking will be challenging. Lee is not much of a talker especially in groups and i don’t want to have to do most of the talking cause as much as this might come as a shock to those who know me i don’t particularly enjoy public speaking.

We get to do this again in November when we host the discussion that we had originally agreed to do as our first presentation (Discrete D/s). Wish us luck!

On Being Pushed

On Sunday Master and I had a bit of a higher protocol day. We started off with me making a delicious breakfast of herb and garlic cheese omelets topped with a caramelized onion and bacon jam served with yummy multigrain toast and homemade pureed strawberry jam. It was so good! I don’t usually think that what i cook is that wonderful but this time i will fully admit that i hit it out of the park.

After letting our food digest for a while we headed into the bathroom for a shower. Master often pees on me as a way to mark Her property and Sunday was no different, other than when She was finished She had me “clean Her up” with my mouth.  This was hard for me, quite hard. There have been times before that when She is peeing on me that some has gotten on my face and mouth and She has ordered me to open my mouth to passively let some into my mouth if it happens but never has Master deliberately made me ingest Her pee. I was worried that Master would think i’m dirty and wouldn’t want to kiss me anymore if i obeyed. I didn’t want Her to think i was dirty (in a bad way!)I was also having a hard time with getting over the ick factor. I struggled with the order for what felt like an eternity before obeying. I still didn’t know for sure that i wanted to but Master told me to do it so i did and hoped for the best.  Afterward, we talked about it and i said to Master that I can tell by Her reaction that She will be pushing that boundary in the coming months. She didn’t come right out and agree but i think the possibility is very much on the table. I’m not 100% sure how i feel about the idea of having Her pee in my mouth or even further and have to drink it (like She mentioned reading about last week, which i personally think was Her way of testing my reaction for this most recent event as well as the future).   I’m still worried about Her thinking i am disgusting, i’m worried that i will think i’m disgusting for that matter. Though I am curious about Her peeing while i’m going down on Her. Even as I write this i am slightly concerned that friends and others that read this will now find me repulsive, i know that the BDSM community can be very split when it comes to the more fringe kinks.

After the shower I had some time to dry off and make myself presentable. The next thing that Master pushed me with was putting me in the cage and barricading me in. For those of you who don’t know, last year we bought a large dog kennel for the joint purpose of using it for me and for our cats when necessary (we occasionally have to segregate one- like when we first got our newest addition or if one of them is sick, etc.). It is a wire crate about 1.25m tall and long by about 1m wide. We keep it in the corner of our living room and use it as a side table of sorts when not being used for its intended purpose. I have spent the in it once before, although only for approx. 4 hrs, and have spent quiet time in it. I have never been locked in or had it covered while in it, both of which Master did (well, it wasn’t locked but She put an armchair, which She proceeded to sit in, in front of the door). For a long time- it felt like an eternity-i stared at the door. My mind kept rolling over the idea that i was physically caged, that my freedom had been taken from me. That is something that i struggle with in my day to day life. When things get hard my first reaction is flight. If Lee and I ever have a disagreement my first instinct is to try to run away and/or push Her away, which happened not that long ago. She knows that, which is why She made the rule that I am not allowed to leave the house during such times. Master talked with me, reassured me. I was so scared that i would be in that cage for the rest of my life. After hearing Master’s reassuring words a sense of peace overcame me. While i was in there i had no control of anything and therefore the pressure of decision making was totally removed. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. No longer did i have to choose anything. No longer did i have to think. I could just be. I started to feel like i was floating. After a while Master gave me a pre-scene checklist to fill out (it’s a new thing we are trying out) so She could plan our play time. I stayed in the cage while She was reviewing it and got to just be.

Play time is kind of blur, I don’t remember details of much. I’m sure there was kicking and/or punching, the Mother Fucker was probably in there somewhere and i’m pretty sure i had the big heavy duty clothespins on my breasts and clit. I do remember the breath play part in better detail though. Up until now most of our breath play has been Her hands over my mouth and nose, but we’ve also done some deep throating enough to block the windpipe and face sitting. But on Sunday, Master wrapped my head in plastic cling wrap leaving only a space from my nose to my eyebrows. She then would cover the open area with another strip of plastic, pressing the seams to ensure a tight seal. I could see Her through the plastic- looking into Her eyes while gasping at what little air i had was so erotic and got me very aroused. My life was in Her hands, pretty much literally. I knew that She would never intentionally hurt me but the thought “this could be my last breath” did cross my mind a few times.

Once Master was finished with the plastic wrap She used a……knife!!! to cut it off. If you have read early entries you will probably know that we had a bad experience with knife play a few years ago and have avoided it since. I’m not going to go into details about the past so read this post if you want more details. The knife. We talked about it before playing so I knew that it would make an appearance at the end of the breath play but i had forgotten about it. Until i saw it lying on the floor beside me when Master reached out for it. The panic in me started to rise, but by much less than i expected it to. The first time i felt the cold blade on my skin it took everything in me not to jump. But i survived and to be honest, it kind of aroused me as well. I think it was how my life was so very much in Master’s hands, again, that got me going.

We ended the evening with some wonderful times in the bedroom, the details of which i wish i remembered better. After that there was lots of cuddling and snuggling, chocolate and water. Master mentioned that i may have some subdrop in the coming days. We talked about what we enjoyed and how we felt about the various activities that we had just partaken in. Once we had relaxed for a while Master declared the high protocol part of our day to be over and we made dinner and watched some tv.

Overall, i had an amazing day! I do think i have had a bit of drop in the days since but not as much as i had kinda thought i might have. My sex drive had been on high since then and i feel almost insatiable, after sex i want more even though i am too physically used up/exhausted to do so.

Well, i have to go get ready for work so i’m going to wrap up here. Hope you all had a good weekend, we sure did. That one was definitely one for the history books, so to speak!!!

Master's Training Wheels

I feel like I have my Master's training wheels on. I'm ready to accept that I have moved forward enough and proven to myself enough that I am on the right path with taking the power and control in our relationship, that I have earned elle calling me Master. I can think of myself as more of a Master now too. It doesn’t feel false like it would have had I used that term a few months ago. Though, elle did point out that I called myself Master before she did when I told her to change a comment she made about our 'Ds' to our 'Ms'.

We talk about our dynamic a lot more now than we used to and it usually occurs to me by the end of our discussion how far I have really come. My confidence in having the ability to own this power is miles away from where we were a little while ago. I think as Masters we need to feel a little smug in our entitlement to having our slaves consent to the power exchange and lately I have been feeling that. Sure, I see places where I really need to up the ante but I also know that when I expect myself to know everything or be further ahead than I am, I just minimize where I am and where I have come from.

I shouldn't have started in on this journey with eyes only on the destination but I think I may have and that's why we have had so many blow outs along the way. Instead of watching where I was going and knowing how far I had come, I had been too eager to just reach the point where I could say I know who I am and how this all works. I expected myself to just know it all and be able to jump right into controlling another's life that when I didn't I gave up and sabotaged any success we did have. I didn't give myself the leeway to learn so I always felt like I was failing.

Now that I am giving myself time and space to learn; now that elle and I are constantly talking and processing together; now that I am allowing myself to enjoy the journey itself, I feel we have built a much stronger foundation. With our foundation flourishing it is much easier to build onto, adding more rules, protocols, rituals, expectations and the like knowing that what I ask of my slave is within my right as her Master.

Now that I can say Master, I don’t think it will be long until the training wheels come off.

A Few Good Changes

So, change is afoot. The right or left, I'm not sure, but it's coming for us and I am excited and a little apprehensive at the same time. No, unfortunately this change isn't anything to do with a baby just yet, but will effect our M/s I think fairly significantly. Two friends that we have made through our local MAsT group are sadly leaving us. If I could tie them down and make them stay I would, but I definitely can't blame them for taking the opportunity to jump at something they have been mulling over for quite sometime. I ended up spending eight years living in Victoria because I jumped when the chance arose and I am forever thankful that I did. Not only did I get to make Victoria my home but I met the woman of my dreams there that I get to spend the rest of my life with! Change is scary, but amazing . Best of luck to you both, you'll be sorely missed.

Now this change means more than friends saying goodbye. They were executive members of our MAsT group and their shoes need filling. elle and I have been asked to join the committee and happily we agreed. It took us a year a half to really meet like-minded folk here that are living M/s. I don’t want to go without that connection again. Joining MAsT has helped us make incredible strides in our relationship and we have created and continue to build upon the strong foundation that we were struggling with for so long. Being around others in the lifestyle has really helped keep this much more of a focus for us.

So we are joining the committee and shortly will figure out what that will involve and where we can throw our heads together to continue to grow this group. The side of this that makes me apprehensive is...I may have to talk more! Unfortunately, I'm being serious. I wouldn't say that I'm shy, I'm just quiet. I have opinions but tend to keep them to myself, most of the time. The same with ideas. Small talk, forget it. I may have to work on not just keeping it all to myself with this though, if I want to be an actual useful person to have in the group, which is preferable. elle sees something in me that has led her to start calling me Master now and then, so I must have something worth offering to the group at large.

I do feel like we have been through enough trials and tribulations in setting the ground work for a lasting M/s life together that we do bring a good deal of knowledge to the table. I know of lot a ways to fail at this relationship but we are still going strong, so that must mean I have also figured out a thing or two that keeps it going. Being active members on the committee, I hope will make this lifestyle an even larger part of our daily lives. Not only will we be going to monthly meetings but we will be planning meetings and reaching out to members of the community, researching and broadening our knowledge and hopefully our friendships as well. Yeah, I'll probably have to talk more but the upside of it all makes it seems like a pretty insignificant worry.

On a different note, but something mentioned above, elle has started calling me Master. Not all the time, but here and there and I must say, it's thrilling to hear. I haven't reached the point where I fully accept that title as something that I feel comfortable calling myself, but to know that she obviously feels I have reached that point, that I have earned my Master stripes in the eyes of my slave, now that is heart thumping and mind tingling. It took us...er, me, so long to figure my shit out, I thought I would never make it as a Dom and now I am hearing Master!

I finally feel after all these years, that I may been growing and able to confidently say I own a slave without it feeling like just  a bunch of letters thrown together void any real truth behind it. I own a slave! I own a slave! I'm still pretty awful with this at times when I let the focus slip because something else is getting in the way, but now it takes only a short time to get back on track rather than before when we would have to start trying to build a new track from scratch each time. Now we just pull a couple weeds and the track is clear again.

Nothing to See Here

So I'm not too sure what I am here writing about today but since it has been over a month since either myself or Lee has published anything I though that I should attempt something.

A quick recap on the baby-makin' front- we had our first insemination last month which was unsuccessful but earlier this week we had our second, which we think will have better chances of being successful (I had 3 eggs developing this time as opposed to only 1 last time, but that also means that there's a chance of having multiples).

Other than baby stuff and work we haven't been doing too much. It was pride a few weeks ago so we went to a couple of the events and the parade but that's about it though really. Lee has been trying to get our garden growing, which after so many years of neglect from previous tenants, is taking a monumental effort! About 10 days ago I took three days and cooked and baked a whole bunch of stuff for the freezer so that I/we can have quick/easy meals that are still mostly healthy on days that I work and don't feel like cooking. That was a feat! I ran out of room in my freezers so I had to quit before I had made everything! Next time I will try to plan better, both my time and the amount of food I will make. This was the first time that I have tried to do anything on this scale before, in the past i have made a couple of casseroles or the like and froze them individually portioned but that was for work lunches mostly. I like knowing that I can still serve Sir a decent dinner after work when I'm tired or that She has things that She can pull out on the evenings that I work.

On to the kinky stuff then...

The other day Lee told me that this weekend we're going to go over the rules and if we think I am ready for Her to increase the corrective action if/when I break a rule. Most of them I would say that I am ready for the increase. There have been a few that I have struggled with though. I think the hardest ones for me are remembering to ask permission before leaving the room and asking permission before eating a sweet/treat item (especially when Lee's not around). When we had that rule a few years ago I did fairly well with it so I'm not sure why I am struggling with it now. I kind of think that having a "bigger" punishment for infractions will help me remember better.

We haven't had much for play time lately and with possibly being pregnant that puts more restrictions on what we can do. Although, when we were at The Ball last weekend we watched a few rope/suspension scenes that we both enjoyed. Neither of us have had any real desire to "learn rope" and until recently. Since we have been actively trying for a baby and trying to figure out ways that we will be able to play still while I am being an incubator the topic of rope has come up. For me, the draw is the restriction/bondage aspects of it. (I imagine it's probably the same for most bottoms?) I haven't asked Lee what it is exactly that draws Her to rope but I'm guessing that it is probably similar to me (but from the other side, obviously). Since neither of us have any experience with rope I'm not sure how to get started, a book or two and/or the internet I guess? And find some decent rope to start playing with I imagine.

The one new thing that has been coming up lately is a desire in me to "top" someone. Just in play mind you. I have had similar desires before but not to the extent or explicitness that I have been feeling lately. There have been a few occasions lately where I just want to beat on someone. The feeling goes beyond just being playful. I don't really understand where the feelings are coming from and don't know what to do about it since I don't have anybody to beat on. I really wish I had a group of subs/slaves that I could talk to about this like I did in Victoria.

I have been contemplating trying to start a submissive women's group here for that and many other reasons. I keep going back and forth about whether I have time for it, and since i am relatively unknown here I don't know if people would question if I have what it takes to be in charge of a group like that. I know how I would like the group to operate and I have come up with a list of a few topic ideas for meetings already. I have been thinking of messaging the woman who is the leader of the subby women's group that I was a part of in Victoria to see if she has any advice to offer.

Well, I think that's all for today. I'll try to write again soon.

No turning back now!

It still baffles me, how we have spent so long trying to get this lifestyle in order and running smoothly with only little successes here and there and big derailments along the way, then suddenly a month ago, it all just clicks, the pieces fall into place and it's as if we have always been like this.  elle has wholeheartedly thrown herself into her submission and everyday improves upon her obedience. She is attentive, relaxed, and eager to do as she is told . She is like a flower that has finally  been planted in fertile soil and each time she serves me she grows and sprouts new buds. She is blossoming the more she sits in submission at my feet. A very big confirmation of this came for me Friday night after one hell of a scene.

We had decided earlier in the week that we were going to have a rough scene Friday evening since there is a chance that within days she could be pregnant and some of our most loved activities will have to be put on hold for quite sometime. Kicking and punching my pregnant wife is definitely not going to happen. So come Friday we talked about what we wanted from the scene and elle did some dinner prep, since after play the last thing that either of us feels like doing is cooking. I rearranged the living room to give us plenty of space, since this scene was going to be intense  and then we got to it.

This scene was built around the idea of her being taken and brought to me, needing to be broken and trained into slavehood so that I could sell her off to someone that would be her Master. She fought back, obviously, and through mental terrorism (convincing her of her utter vulnerability and isolation, playing the nice guy when she did what I ordered, forcing her to beg for more ) physical assault (kicking, hitting with various implements, ripping her clothes off, raping her mouth, caging) and positive reinforcement of slave behaviours (calling her good slave, graduating her from the slave corset into her slave outfit so she wasn’t naked anymore, and rewarding her earnest pleas for more with more) she finally broke. At the end I locked her back in the cage and told her when I came back for her she would be ready to accept her new life as a slave. End of scene.

It was only about two minutes that I left her in there, while I sat down close by to remove my boots. When she started to softly cry I opened the door for her, wanting her to come out so we could snuggle and I could give her some chocolate and love. Her head was definitely still in the scene and it took some time to get her to lay down with her head on her slave pillow, rather than kneel on it as she originally did. We cuddled and slowly she came around. This had all been over a three hour span.

Where I say that confirmation of her submission came was, following all of this it was 9:30 and the pre-play snack we had was long used up. Dinner was prepped but needed cooking and I was not at all keen to do so. When food was mentioned my head was saying "Toast? Ya I could manage to make us some toast" when she said, once she was up she could manage to cook and then off she went and cooked up a delicious meal, while I sat in the living room doing a few things on my phone. I was thrilled. Usually after play she is either very sleepy and out of it(not that I blame her, she takes a lot from me!) that I get food, hence the toast, or she turns bratty as if she is rebelling against having just submitted. Just getting up to make dinner without a word of protest, or even having  me say to do it, showed just how far she has come, how deep she has gotten into her slave mindset.

We talked later, or maybe it was before, and elle said that she feels like she has just been floating on a cloud for the past month. I would have to agree. Not just for her but for myself as well. I feel like I have finally grabbed a hold of what dominance means to me. Not what I have read of others and tried to measure myself against, but of what I can envision this life looking like for us in the long run and where my niceness can live in unison with my dominance. I don’t have to be a cold, hard ass domme to make this work but I'm not just a passive domme either. I could definitely get used to this!

I must say that was probably the best scene that we have had. Maybe at some point I will actually write out all that took place, it would make a pretty hot story for you I'm sure, but for now you will just have live with the morsel I put in this post. Gotta keep you coming back for more!

Our newest rules have now been posted.