Bits From my Brain

This is a ramble of thoughts. i am just writing thoughts out as they come so hopefully it will make at least some sense.

-i miss Kahwaii so badly it hurts all over my body. i have cried what feels like an ocean of tears. But i don't think i've had a chance to fully grieve my loss because i feel like i have to watch over Master as She isn't taking the breakup very well. i've had to remind Her that She needs to eat and to keep putting one foot in front of another. The day after Kahwaii broke up with Master and i i was very hurt. We were supposed to go to the wedding of some friends but we ended up cancelling and just hanging out the two of us. We went and saw a cute movie and went out for dinner.

-i keep trying to tell myself that nothing is permanent and that some people aren't meant to be in your life story forever but i don't feel like the story that Master and i were writing with Kahwaii was over yet. There were so many things left to experience with her. But maybe she was meant to be in our lives for a short period of time to teach us how to poly better so that if/when the next opportunity comes up i/we will be better prepared for it. i don't want that, right now i just want her back.

-i feel guilty for Master loosing Kahwaii. If it weren't for my problems, the two of them could be together. i have even gone so far as to suggest that the two of them carry on without me, which they both declined. i know i have a lot of baggage with my borderline personality disorder and have been trying to work on getting my emotions under control.

-i want so badly to hate Kahwaii. It would make this easier. i could say good riddance and move on. But i can't. She means so much to me and i can't just turn those feeling off as i have discovered.

-Master and i have been talking nonstop. There are things that we have agreed that need to be worked on, longstanding problems that we have been brushing aside lately. Things that if you went back years in the blog you'd probably find being mentioned there like my obedience and Her consistency and our differing needs for sex and play.

-Last night, for the first time in a long time Master and i danced in our kitchen without music, something we used to do regularly. As we slowly turned and twirled in silence i could feel us reconnecting. It was a beautiful moment and one that i will remember for a while. We need more of these moments.

-Master told me last night how She is proud of me for staying calm and level headed (i think those were the words She used) through all of this, especially since i have been off my meds for about a week and a half now. i think this goes back to what i said earlier about having to take care of Her and trying to remember the impermanence stuff. i am proud of myself for not shutting down and resorting to cutting to manage my sadness or getting angry and raging (both of which have crossed my mind). i am trying to stay emotionally stable and keep busy so that i can let time and distance heal my wounds. As a nurse i know that a deep wound must heal from the bottom up, it can't just close over or it will abscess. Healing from an emotional wound is similar, if i try to just seal it over then i could create bigger problems for down the road. i am learning the hard way from being with Kahwaii that i need to deal with my shit as it happens so i can fully devote myself to my present relationship rather than it rearing it's ugly head at a later date.

-i want to turn to our Leather family but i know they have a lot of their own shit to deal with right now and don't want to burden them with more problems. Who does one talk to then? i told my mom and she didn't seem to care all that much. We have a bunch of acquaintances but not a lot of close friends that i would talk to about this shit. We can only afford for me to see my psychologist once a month.

-Last night one of Kahwaii's other subs came to pick up Kahwaii's vape that she left here the day she came over to break up with us. i gave her a can of diet squirt (long story) to give to her in hopes that Kahwaii will realize that we are still thinking about her and miss her terribly.

-Kahwaii was our first and because of that there will always be a special place in my heart for her.

It Hurts to Breathe

The last few months have seen us heading into a tail spin within our marriage. We have fought almost continually over everything and nothing. My anxiety has taken up permanent residence it seems and likes to make its presence known day in and day out. There has been a lot of stress and unfortunately we allowed it to effect and pile up on Kahwaii's shoulders. She took on the blame and guilt of our issues when it is not hers to have.

Before we started dating her, she saw our relationship from the outside and what she saw was a great connection, lots of love and happiness (all true). We tried to keep our issues to ourselves as they don't need public airing. Unfortunately, this gave her the impression that the problems she was suddenly seeing were new and only started due to her presence rather than understanding that we let her see us in the raw and the raw isn't always pretty. Our 'perfect marriage' wasn't quite so perfect, however, our foundation is strong. We've let a lot pile up on it though, allowing our problems to weigh us down and feel unstable. We forgot how well we work as a team. We forgot to communicate when issues were just starting.

We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.

I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.

Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.

Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.

It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.

elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.

Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.

I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.

I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.

"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."

Obedience

“Obedience is a form of social influence where an individual acts in response to a direct order from another individual, who is usually an authority figure. It is assumed that without such an order the person would not have acted in this way. Obedience occurs when you are told to do something (authority), whereas conformity happens through social pressure (the norms of the majority). Obedience involves a hierarchy of power / status. Therefore, the person giving the order has a higher status than the person receiving the order.” (copied from simplypsychology.org/obedience.html)

Obedience in a M/s context means that the slave is consciously choosing to submit his/her mind and body to the will of their Master, their rules, rituals and protocols. For most slaves this is a learned behavior that must be practiced and slowly expanded upon. For me it most certainly has been learned. It’s something that i have been working on it since we started down this path over six years ago. i have been, up till now, very strong willed and can be disobedient at times if I'm not in the right headspace. Obedience has to become a state of being almost, a complete acquiescence to the slave’s chosen authority figure, in my case, to Master. It is usually a foundational ingredient in most M/s relationships, whether casual or 24/7 or anywhere in between. It’s one of those relationship make it or break it kind of tenants in my relationship with Master. Declaring my obedience to Her is part of the mantra that i say.

For a Power Exchange to work smoothly the slave must be obedient. This way the Master knows what kind of reaction to expect. It can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful M/s relationship. In a TPE the Master should be able to expect that what He/She says will be followed with a minimum of questioning.

No slave can be 100% obedient all the time. i struggle with my obedience at times. It can be very challenging mentally to obey sometimes, especially when i strongly disagree.

At the core of obedience is respect and humility. Respect for your Master and your dynamic. Respect for the trust that you have placed in your Master. And humility in that you need to remember your place in your relationship as slave.

How do you demonstrate your obedience, beyond just following their rules?

-Pay close attention to your Master, especially when around others. Stop what you are doing and look at them while they are speaking. Making eye contact is also a good way to show you are paying attention. This makes them feel special, respected, appreciated, honoured, and proud of their slave.

-Don’t roll your eyes or back talk when they ask you to do something. This is just passive aggressive behavior and will generally not get you the desired outcome. If you have them, present your opposing viewpoint (if you’re allowed to do so) politely and in keeping with your dynamic. Being obedient doesn’t mean that you will always agree with your Master but it does mean that you may not have the final decision. Also remember to try to pick a good time and place for you to share your disagreement.

-Be polite all the time. Ask for their permission for things and use your please and thank you’s.

-Do things the first time you are asked, the way you were asked. Don’t make your Master have to ask you a second time and do exactly what they have asked of you and nothing less. Delaying something that your Master has asked of you is like saying that whatever you are doing is more important than what they asked you to do. It is frustrating and annoying to your Master and makes them feel unimportant and possibly taken for granted i once heard a saying that goes something like delayed obedience becomes immediate disobedience; partial obedience is complete disobedience.

-Do things that they haven’t asked that you know they like. i like to ask Master if She needs anything when i am up so i can get/do something for Her.

-If you disagree with your Master, consider the reasons that they have told you to do something/denied you something/etc. before getting upset.

Now for my personal experience. Part of the reason that i chose to “research” this topic was because Master and i have agreed that we need to be working on our relationship more actively and this was one of the areas that we thought i needed to work on to improve our M/s. i’d say that my biggest challenge is not so much with not responding immediately to orders, but with begrudging Master for making me do something that i’m not wanting to do at the moment. This comes out in poor attitude and slower service. Some Masters say that they don’t care about whether the slave is enjoying the ordered task as long as they do it but i think that to put your whole heart into it means that you are happily providing the requested service. i believe that part of my problem comes from my mental illness. i have very black and white thinking so i either love or hate something so if i’m asked to do something that i don’t like i have a hard time forcing myself to enjoy it to put all of myself into the ordered task. i am also forgetful and a bit absent minded at times; i forget what exactly Master told me to do or to perform a ritualized order. So what am i doing to correct my problems with obedience? Well, first of all i am writing this blog which forced me to take a look at my own obedience and decided that obedience will be the topic for discussion at the next submissives group get together. So i am gathering ideas on how to be more obedient and seeking support. i have also made a commitment to myself to be more immediately obedient and try to serve Master more happily in remembering that making Her happy makes me happy. i have also decided that i need to work on getting my borderline personality disorder under better control and need to brush up on my mindfulness skills. In choosing to obey i am setting myself free of the constraints of having to make choices for myself and us.

Through my travels on the interwebs i found this little quote that i will leave you with: “They may not always be right but they will always be Master.”

What's in a Name?

I was reminded earlier this week as to why my mother and I have a very superficial relationship and why I don't tell her anything. She came in for her annual visit and I knew leading up to this week that I was going to tell her about Kawhaii and that I go by Lee. I wish I had done neither. 

The second day she was here, she and I went out taking pictures while elle was at work. All day I was trying to push myself to say that I wanted to talk to her. I couldn't do it. I was worried over her reaction and just couldn't get the words out. At dinner, I continued trying and elle finally leaned over and said that I needed to do it. With a deep breath, I spat it out. I had a few things to tell her that weren't really phone conversations.

I told her first that we have a girlfriend. She was rather taken aback and didn't understand why or how. I explained a little bit and I could see in her face she didn't approve but was able to say something to the effect of if that's our preference then hopefully our marriage is strong enough to handle a third. 

She asked what else I had to tell her and I said that elle and our friends call me Lee. She was immediately upset, eyes welling with tears, looking away from me, and not saying anything. I moved over to sit beside her and asked what she was thinking. She said that I will always be Kim to her, I told her I wasn't asking her to change that; she said that she felt rejected because she gave me my name (had she said we, as in her and my dad that died 32 years ago, I may have felt guilt rather than anger), I told her this is still part of my name (Kimberlee) it's just more neutral and I feel more comfortable with it; she said that she knows I'm a good person and don't mean to hurt anyone, but she still feels rejected, I just bit my tongue, let a few tears fall before I could swallow my feelings and fought very hard to stay in my seat. I was so close to telling elle that I was sorry but I had to leave. The only reason I didn't was because I wasn't going to leave elle alone with my crying mother and make her deal with it.

That was all that was said and I'm sure all that will ever be said. Lee will never exist to her and I will have a stroke if she ever asks about Kawhaii. The rest of that night and the following days, it was as if that conversation never happened. I've been switching between anger, hurt, rejection, and resignation since then but buried all of it because I just couldn't deal with it while she was here. elle asked if I wanted to talk about it that night, but I told her no I needed to stay angry so I could keep it in better. That's the second time she has rejected me for finally telling her the truth of who I am - first she told me it was like I had died when I came out as gay and now because I 'reject' her name she rejects my identity. 

I am very good at keeping thoughts and feelings to myself (right girls?) because it is a lot harder for someone to discard me for being who I am if they don't know me. 

Right now I just what to surround myself with the people that love me for who I am...unfortunately I can't do much of that. elle has been great of course and understands my hurt. Last week though, I made the decision that elle and I needed to take a three week break from contacting Kawhaii in order to focus on trying to figure out where our issues are coming from and make a plan to fix things. I wanted to be in both their arms, feeling love from both of them, and I couldn't even tell Kawhaii what was going on let alone see her. 

We did see her at an event last night and so I filled her in. It wasn't a great place for talking though so not much was able to be said. It's really hard not talking to her or seeing her, though I stand by my decision and reason behind it. I miss her a lot, and I'm sure that will increase with mom gone and knowing that we could be seeing her. I feel like I'm missing part of me and worry that she'll realize the opposite. We bring a lot of stress into her life; maybe she will be happier to have that gone how ever much great feelings are involved.

elle and I are struggling with our relationship and I'm scared to think what will happen if we don't get things straightened out. I'm not going to get into our issues and still need to do some soul searching to really get down to what the problems are, but I am really hoping that with a few weeks of a bit more time together we can at least open up better communication and see more clearly what we can do to move forward. I have not taken the break from Kawhaii because I feel she is causing the issues, not in the least, but just as a way to make us focus more on the two of us and making us strong again without dragging Kawhaii into the stress of it. Two more weeks.   

On Shaky Ground

Things haven't been going so great lately. Our relationship between Master and i as well as with Kahwaii has taken a few major hits lately and we are all suffering because of them. Master has a few ideas on how She wants to fix them. One of the ideas i disagree with and the other i agree with but am embarrassed by it. i'm not going to share them until after we have a chance to talk to Kahwaii about them, which we are planning on doing this evening.

In my opinion, it was all starting to brew just below the surface for a while before we went to Kahwaii's cabin at the beginning of last month but things happened while we were there that i believe never got fully resolved which compounded the earlier problems and they've all been escalating ever since. The security of our relationship feels like it is resting on a very thin line.

my jealousy over the connection that Master and Kahwaii have is my biggest problem i believe. i'm not sure why i am jealous now because in the beginning i was not at all jealous. In fact, it was quite the opposite, i craved to see them develop a bond together and i was concerned that Master would have a hard time seeing me with someone else. i don't know what made the switch flip. i think it's because Kahwaii and i don't connect the same way that she does with Master. We connect sexually but because of the nature of our relationship we have sex very infrequently. i really wish that it was more often because i feel so much closer to her afterwards, even if its not sex per say even when she and i make out and definitely after she has beat on me.

i have been having some fairly wild emotional mood swings and have been changing my opinion/view on topics (because of the swinging emotions) a lot lately. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) seems to be rearing it's ugly head more as of late. This morning i even suggested that i try re-upping my one medication that we had reduced a few months ago to see if that will help. Master and i even briefly talked about going to talk to someone together but we decided that we don't feel like teaching someone about our style of relationship and even then the person may not understand enough to be effective in helping us navigate some fairly unique relationship problems. And since i already have more than maxed out my portion of my insurance coverage for psych we cant really afford it anyways. So we are going to try to work things out on our own.

What do we need to work on exactly? i need to work on being more obedient and less headstrong. i am a very strong willed person and when i believe in something i will fight for it tooth and nail. i also need to work on getting my BPD under control again and try to see the grey areas in between the black and white that i tend to see. For example, to me, you either love or hate, nothing more, nothing less, simple as that. My mental health being unstable creates and exacerbates so many problems. i believe it is at the root of my jealousy issues and if i can figure out just what would be causing it maybe i can work with my psychologist to correct it. In my opinion Master needs to work on Her consistency with enforcing the rules and slowly but steadily upping Her authority in more and more of my life.

Life is about to get busy. Next week Master's Mom will be here for 5 days plus one of my stepsisters is getting married just after Mom leaves. As well, i have just started a new casual job, i haven't even had my first shift yet but once i do i imagine i will get a bit busier with that too. i'm not sure when Master and i are going to find time to work on our relationship but we need to make it a priority, much more so than we have been in the last while.

A Storm is Brewing

It has been quite a while since I have said anything here, but not for lack of things to talk about. I have stared at the blank screen on a number of occasions and have second guessed writing about any of the topics or feelings that have come to mind, but here goes...
___________

Life is complicated. We have run up against a number of difficult issues over the past few months and haven't really come up with any easy fixes yet. About a month ago, the three of us went to Kahwaii's parent's cabin on the lake. It was wonderful being out there with boat access only, one neighbor in the bay, and very little for modern convenience. I could really easily just live in a place like that. I was really looking forward to three days with just my girls and getting some extended time with Kahwaii without anyone having to go home at the end of the night.

We had some fantastic moments out there - we took advantage of the lack of people and had an incredible outdoor humiliation scene followed up by really hot sex and a chance to cuck elle. Sitting on the dock, watching the sun set over the water was beautiful, though it made me a bit homesick for Victoria. We snuggled on the couch in front of the fire and simply seeing Kahwaii each day made me very happy.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan a couple of times and a decent amount of our time was spent trying to figure out hurt feelings and upset emotions. See, Kahwaii and I have a very good connection and apparently our energy is rather overpowering. We think we are being inclusive and tell elle she is always welcome to join conversations and such, but due to our connection I guess we look involved in private moments that aren't inviting. elle felt excluded and hurt by this.

The second night in, after the humiliation and cucking, I tucked elle into bed because she was falling asleep. As I did so, she encouraged me to tell Kahwaii that I love her (I confessed this to elle quite awhile ago). I did and Kahwaii said it back. It was great being able to say it to her with elle's encouragement...until things went sideways. Turns out, elle encouraged me because she knew I wanted to tell Kahwaii and thought that was what I wanted to hear. I did want her support, but I wanted it truthfully. It hurts elle to know I am loved back and this has brought out a fair bit of jealousy that she's having a hard time overcoming. We've realized that she was probably having sub drop and the emotional hurt was bigger because of it, but it's still there.

elle and Kahwaii have some difficulty connecting and their relationship label has changed a few times making emotions run like a rollercoaster. It's hard on both of them trying to figure out feelings and how best to improve their relationship and D/s dynamic. I feel very guilty to be so happy with where Kahwaii and I are at because it hurts elle; I am scared I will lose Kahwaii if they aren't able to connect more; I miss Kahwaii as soon as we are apart and always look forward to when I can see her again. The more time I spend with Kahwaii the harder I fall for her and the bigger my heart will break if it ends. I don't want this to hurt anyone but I don't want to pull back to try to keep that from happening either.

Since coming home from the cabin there has been ongoing jealousy. elle is having a hard time with Kahwaii and I saying I love you (even privately) and for a while had asked if we would refrain. It was very difficult not saying it when we'd finally started to and it felt unfair that we were stopping because the feelings weren't the same between elle and Kahwaii. They are separate relationships that grow differently and it felt like a punishment because ours grew closer faster. Alone time with Kahwaii was also nonexistent since then.

elle wants to be ok with everything and gets mad at herself for not being so. I can understand her side and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I need to be able to throw myself into this relationship with Kahwaii as well to be fair to what we have. We tried to deny it, but we knew from the start feelings were going to happen. We are not primaries but the feelings are no less valid or important. Same with the feelings between elle and Kahwaii. No one is expendable.

This past weekend was a kinky camping event with 80+ people. It was our second time going, and the place where Kahwaii's interest in us started showing last year. It was pretty awesome being there this year and not just watching her from a distance (I think I've already mentioned that I had quite a crush on her from early on in meeting her). Last year secret crush, this year in love.

Things weren't all great though. More or less the same emotions were coming out. At one point I took elle aside because I was getting really upset over the double standard that I felt was happening between what was ok to happen between her and Kahwaii compared to myself and Kahwaii. I've been getting very frustrated by this and pull back from Kahwaii each time the three of us are together in order to not upset elle, that hasn't really been making it better for anyone though.

I don't know how to help them learn each other's language so they can communicate better. I've tried 'translating' for them but I'm worried it's not enough. What I worry is that they are too different everywhere except in their individual levels of dominance in which I think they could be on par if elle was on the top side. It leads to head butting as an unconscious struggle for power. The dynamic is Kahwaii dominant and elle submissive, but I think her brain tells her to push back because it feels there is a chance to gain control. elle can submit to J because he is more dominant and she won't get the control - he intimidates her; she can submit to me because if she doesn't it would royally fuck our shit up; she has a hard time fully submitting to Kahwaii because if she fights enough maybe she can wrest the control away. I'm not saying this is through conscious choice at all, and I know elle doesn't see where she is doing said pushing back, but it is there and I believe is a big reason they have a more difficult time connecting.

(I wrote this a few weeks ago and was going to add more, but am leaving it at this to move on to more recent events.)

Our Fifth Anniversary

Five years today! It has been five years that Master and i have been married. It seems like it happened both just yesterday and forever ago. The day we got married was one of the happiest days of my life! i have been looking back at where we have come in the past five years and i can't believe some of the leaps and bounds that we have made in our lives both kink/M/s-wise and personally. We have been through a lot and come out much stronger as individuals and as a couple.

In our personal lives, moving and trying to have a baby were probably our two biggest challenges. Moving was huge for us because we were leaving behind the life we knew together. The planning was stressful, we had to get our shit and ourselves as well as our four cats half way across the country. Lee was moving to a city She had never even been to. i  was doing something i told myself that i'd never do, move back to the city i grew up in. For me, moving was, in a way, like admitting defeat; i was returning to a place that i had told myself i'd never live in again. If i thought moving was hard, going through trying to have a baby was even more tough. We spent so much time and money on trying to have a baby and in the end, almost exactly a year ago now, we decided not to continue pursuing that path. That decision was hard and i still struggle with it sometimes. Just yesterday i had a few moments where i started second guessing if we had made the right decision, first when i saw a cute little girl and the second time was when i was going through baby clothes that we had in storage. (we took them to a consignment store) It hurts and i don't think many people realize that i still struggle with that decision. Sometimes it feels like we failed or like we lost our dream.

In addition to those changes i have also applied to go back to school, which was a bit stressful and will be even more so when it actually happens. Also my mental health continues to be a struggle, some times more so than others. Just recently i had a pretty huge emotional/angry outburst in front of both Master and Kahwaii that we have now decided was brought on by the down swing of some great humiliation play.

In our kink/M/s lives revamping our M/s, going to Power eXchange Summit and meeting our family were the biggest events. When we got married, our M/s was at the peak of where it was when we were living in Victoria, in my opinion. It really fell off for a while while we were getting shit together to move and for about the first oh, six to nine or so months after we moved. After we started attending MAsT, and in particular the protocol dinner that MAsT hosted, our dynamic took off and we have been only getting stronger and stronger as the months and now years pass. We have more structure and protocols now, which i thrive under because i like things to be organized and in order. We never really figured out what happened to make it all click and stay together finally but i am so glad that it did! Power eXchange Summit was THE highlight of 2015 in my opinion. We were just so lucky to be immersed in the TPE/M/s energy that was flowing at the conference. It gave us a few new perspectives/insights on our relationship and it opened Master's eyes to cuckqeaning. Meeting Sir J and d has given Master and i something that i think every TPE and/or M/s couple needs, more than just best friends, they are our Leather family. If shit were to ever really hit the fan i know without a doubt they would be there for us in an instant just as we would for them. Master and i are able to be completely honest with them about any aspect of our lives. We also have Kahwaii, who may not be part of our Leather family but i do consider her to be family none the less. She is a joy and a blessing that i never would have thought was possible. Because of her Master and i can explore some sexual activities that are impossible to do alone. But more importantly it has proven to us that love is not divided but multiplies when another partner is added. i now have the honour and privileged of loving and serving two wonderful women. i feel more loved by Master now than before we had Kahwaii in our lives.

Five years. How can it feel like both just an instant and forever? Sometimes i feel like i know so much about Master that it is impossible that it has only been five years. But as they say time flies when you're having fun and these past five years have definitely been a blast! i can't wait for the next five and how ever many more after that....