Embarrassed

Have you ever been embarrassed by any of your kinks, ashamed even? i am. i can't even bring myself to say what it is at the moment, that's how embarrassed i am. Maybe one day i will tell you. Who am i kidding, i'm sure that i will once i can accept it more.

Part of my problem is that it is something that i have been very clear in the past that i am not interested in. i don't know why i am interested in it now but for the past week or so i have been thinking about it. When i catch myself i try to stop myself, but that hasn't been proving very successful and it has been on my mind for at least a few minutes every day in one form or another.

i haven't figured out why all the sudden i am interested in something that i was so vehemently against in the recent past. i haven't been able to pinpoint a cause. There is nothing that i can say "oh yes, it was that that sparked these thoughts".

i confessed to Lee about this last night. She suggested that it isn't the actual activity that i'm drawn to but more the feeling that i would get from it. That's probably true, probably very true. She is always so good at reading me. Telling Lee and having Her not get squicked out by it did help to relieve my anxiety a huge amount. But it still doesn't make me feel like less of a hypocrite.

And yes, i know there have been other things that started out as a limit that we now (regularly) engage in, piss being one of them. i guess, to me, this is different. It is something that many people get hot from so it's not "unusual", i just can't seem to wrap my head around it for myself.

i told Lee that this isn't something that i want to jump into right away. But, our dynamic dictates that i am open with my thoughts and feelings, though, so i had to tell Her.

Sorry that i'm being vague but i'm not quiet ready to out my "new kink" yet. I imagine that it has made this post hard to follow.

Help?!?