Adrift

i still feel adrift.

Last night Lee and i had another "mini discussion" about it. i say mini cause it was just before we went to bed so we didn't talk too long about it.

i hope that what we talked about will come to fruition, and stay. i think that's our biggest problem, we talk about things and do them for a short while but they, for what reason i'm not sure, don't seem to last. They don't become a habit. i don't understand why because they are things that we have both agreed on. i guess if they don't come from the heart of the enforcer then they won't last. They have to be things that Lee really cares about. i really hope that this time they will stick. i guess that means that i hope that they are things that Lee really cares about.

i'm such a worrier, a negative thinker. i am definitely not an optimist. Not that i don't want to be, i'd love to be an optimist actually. But i don't know how to change... i sure wish i could though. I hate thinking the worst of everything. Some days i feel like i come across as a "Chicken Little" type, thinking the sky is falling when i have only been hit on the head by an acorn.

So one thing that Lee asked me to do last night is come up with a list of things that i want Her to take more control of. So i thought that i'd do that here.

Food/beverage intake

Going to the gym

Ensuring that i wear Her collar (or ankle cuffs if my neck gets too irritated)

Making sure that chores are done

Saying please when asking for things

Serving Her (sexually, foot baths, etc.)

We have talked before that physical punishments don't necessarily work but there are times when i wish She would, on top of the "thinking punishment". Beat me hard, without any sort warm-up until i beg for mercy. i don't know why... maybe so i can feel the pain that i caused Her by not pleasing Her? so i can feel Her emotions? i'm not sure. But i know i want it.

Some days i think that i'm crazy because of the things that i want/fantasize about. i mean, who in their right mind wants their wife to beat them to tears for not doing the dishes/making dinner the way Madam wants it/wearing the wrong outfit? What sane person wants to be fisted so that their pussy hurts the next time it's fucked?

Some people may take offence to me saying that i wonder if those things make me crazy, that i'm implying that that therefore makes them crazy too. i'm not, so please don't. And i know what i'm not crazy. I just kinda wonder sometimes, ya know?

Well, that was enough randomness for today i think! :)