Our Wedding Vows

These are the vows that Lee and i said yesterday at our wedding

Lee's vows:
You have entrusted me with the care of your heart, a gift that nothing else could possible equate to.

I am humbled that you have chosen to submit yourself to an ever changing, and ever challenging life with me.

In the good times and bad that send you to your knees, I promise I will be there to lift you back up.

In moments of uncertainty, I will be there to lead you through and give you the strength to carry on.

I will help you grow and will evolve with you at the same time. I will shelter you with my love, and give you a home within my arms.

With all of my heart, body, mind and soul, I vow to keep, love and protect you

elle's vows:
Today i give you my heart and soul.

i promise to love, honour and obey you.

You are my guide when life prevents me from seeing my path.

The rings which we exchange today are an outward expression of the commitment which i carry with me through all of my thoughts and actions each and every day.

i am excited and proud to be your wife today and forever and ever, plus two days.

As the 13th century poet and theologian Rumi once said:
"A lover asked his beloved: Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes, I am present only for you.
I've forgotten all my learnings, but from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.
I love myself...I love you. I love you...I love myself."

i'll post a picture or two in the next couple of days, once my wife has finished editing them and tell you all how it went down.

I lost the step-by-step guide to being a Domme

Hello friendly readers, remember Me? I’m the D in the D/s with elle...at least I’m supposed to be. I haven’t been doing a very bang up job of it for the last while. Seems ever since we took a few days break, months back, I haven’t been able to get into the groove of it on a regular basis and in so failing have not given elle any reason to put her best foot forward either. We used to play quite often and now there are more frustrated tears from not playing and discussions about not having played than there are scenes in recent memory.

Is it ALL My fault? Being the D, I’m supposed to be the one deciding everything and ensuring everything is done the way I plan, so I guess it is. Bad behaviour in a sub is a reflection of bad leadership from the Domme. Why should she sub if I flop in My role more times than I succeed? It’s tiring. Taking the lead, making her do things she doesn’t want to do and fights Me on, remembering to tell her something instead of asking and if I get another argument from it standing My ground. Because I said so, because I want you to, because of blah de blah de blah, isn’t reason enough if she has it in her head to fight.

Am I the D? Yes.

Is she stubborn, strong willed, knowing of what she wants and if she doesn’t get it ready to fight to create an excuse for not getting it? Yes.

elle is a sub that needs clear cut reasons. I know this. Am I good at supplying this? Not so much.

elle is a sub that needs to see that she is getting something out of what she puts in. Am I good at positive reinforcement and rewards? Um, well I guess not so much when play is a main point she needs. I think I’m good at positive reinforcement.

I know this is all about working together and Me deciding what is best for us and doing it whether she agrees in the moment or not, but it is hard to keep pushing through when I get such resistance that I just start to feel like a big asshole. I need the positive reinforcement too.

I feel like switching lines of thoughts now. The beginning of this post was written yesterday, and I don't remember exactly where I was going with it so...

It is four sleeps now until we say “I do!” I’m excited, nervous, scared and a little pukey if I think too long on it, lol. More than anything though, I can’t wait to be standing there in front of our witnesses to put a ring on the finger of the woman I am going to spend the rest of My life with. It seems like I have already spent a lifetime with elle and I want a million more. There are certainly things that aren’t going the best with us at the moment (see above) but there is so much more that is just incredible that I know there has not been another decision I‘ve made that has been better for Me, than being with and marrying elle. I love you My girl!!

My Love/Hate Relationship

i’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before so if i have i apologize but i’ve been thinking about it since it happened (again!) on Friday.

On Friday evening, Madam and i had a shower together. We shower together quite often and i love it. i get to shampoo and wash her and if i’m lucky Madam washes her toy too. We have one of the wand shower heads that has the massage setting on it. Once in a while Madam gets the brilliant idea to give me a massage “down there” which i love to hate.

Well, Friday night was one of those times. i tried to cover myself and turn away but i was told to be a good girl and move my hands and stand still against the wall. my clit is very sensitive and the pressure of the water is usually torture as was the case this time. i begged her to stop over and over but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Up till this point Madam had been “going easy” on me, my outer lips were protecting my clit somewhat. Then She told me to open myself up for Her. Again in vain, i pleaded with Her but i was met with the same command to open up. Realizing that my resistance was futile, i relented and pulled back my protective lips to expose my clit completely to the hard stream.

i screamed as the assault began again. my body bucked and thrashed against the torture. And even though i was imploring Madam to stop i could feel something stirring inside me and my pussy getting wet. “i want you to cum slut” Madam commanded and i could tell that i would soon even though i was saying no. i was deep in sub space by that point.


i could feel the wave of orgasm building stronger every second. As the wave engulfed me i started crying. my body had betrayed my mind, again, as it always ends up doing when Madam uses the water on me.

Madam returned the water to the regular shower setting and put it back in the holder on the wall, wrapped Her arms around me and held me under the stream letting me cry on Her shoulder.

Once i calmed down a bit, the water was shut off and Madam wrapped me in a towel.
Later, laying in bed i asked Madam how it makes Her feel when i say no and beg Her not to “massage” my clit. She told me that for a second She still second guess Herself but quickly realizes that if i actually meant no that i would use my safe word and that then She almost gets giddy with the feeling of power and control that She gets from being able to make me cum even though i “want” Her to stop.

She asked me how it makes me feel. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, open, violated (in a good way), controlled, owned. But to sum it up in one word, i feel very submissive.

i love/hate you shower head massager!!!

i love You Madam!!! and i can't wait for next Monday!!!

Happy Pride... We're Getting Married!!

i wrote this on Monday July 11 intending for it to be longer but i didn’t finish it... i thought i’d post it as is now rather than trying to rewrite it or add on.

Yesterday (well really it was from July 1 to yesterday) was Gay Pride here. Lee and i watched the parade and went to the festival. i got a new anklet that jingles when i walk which i love cause i can wear it in public unlike the cuffs that i have already. After the festival we walked along the Sea Walk which is where we first said i love you and where we hope to get married in two weeks to try to decide exactly where we want that to happen.

Yes that’s right, we’re getting married! It’s going to be a casual little ceremony, just us our witnesses and the Marriage Commissioner. Last week we got our marriage licence and rings. It was so easy, we both were a bit shocked at how easy it really was but like we said, our relationship has been so easy that why should this be difficult. We will probably have some sort of celebration next year, on/around our anniversary.

This post isn’t going to be about kink so much. It’s going to be more about me and my state of mind as of late.

As i have mentioned before, i have a history of mental health issues. i was first diagnosed with depression almost half a life time ago and have been very suicidal at times during the last 14 years. i have taken more than half a dozen different medications over the years and have seen a few different psychiatrists and therapists.

The past two and a half years are probably the best i have been since i was 15 years old. That is, until recently. In the last month or so i have felt myself starting to slide back into that dark place. Lee and i have talked a bit about it but to be honest i hold back the true depth of my feelings most of the time cause i’m scared that She will worry about me. She knows enough that She suggested that i talk to my doctor about going back on meds for a while, which i really don’t want to do for a few reasons.

Antidepressants do two things to me that i hate. Neither of which will help with the depression. The first being that they kill one’s sex drive. If that were to happen i don’t want to even think about how long Lee and i may go without having sex then since Her drive is naturally lower than mine and i’m the one who (nine times out of ten) initiates sex. The second reason is that they make me gain weight. i’m already heavier than i want to be so i think if i gained any more weight i’d just be even more upset and disgusted with how my body looks (bye-bye to any self esteem that i have left!). Those may sound like superficial reasons but as i said i think that both of those side effects would only make me feel worse about myself

The problem is that my depression is affecting our dynamic. When i have a “bad day” i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to cook, do chores or dress in the manner that i’m supposed to. Lee has tried to push me but it only made things even worse and now She‘s gun shy about trying to push me anymore.

So i don’t know what to do about the situation. i want to be the best slave that i can be for Lee, She deserves nothing less but it’s impossible when i can’t even get up off the couch or out of bed.

Another thing is that as much as Lee and i go to local munches and such i still don’t feel like i/we have made any solid connections so i don’t feel like i have anyone that i can talk to about this. i wish i had a friend or the like that would understand.

Used Goods

i am writing as i think today so apologize in advance :)

i am supposed to be doing chores right now but my back is sore for some reason so i thought i'd relax for a while and write before i start. Thursday afternoon on the bus to work i was trying to write out a few thoughts on my submission to Lee. i'm trying to write a few phrases that i can "meditate to" on my way home from work to help me refocus my attention to Her. i got a couple down but to be honest i was distracted by the ache in my abused pussy. Since the other day when i made the comment to Madam that i thought She possibly wasn't hitting as hard as She used to Madam seems to be giving me harder spankings and using me sexually more frequently (refer to my last post if you don't know what i'm talking about lol). Now i realize that it's only been a couple of days since but it has been a both wonderful and uncomfortable, painful and pleasurable, degrading and hot couple of days.

Part of it is that She has also not let me cum for the last two days. Last night i begged and begged Her for an orgasm to no avail. i don't know how long this denial will last for but i love and hate it! It keeps me "on" all the time, which is why i guess that some Dom/Dommes do it. i am so horny and have been since She started this. It has made me feel very insignificant knowing that my enjoyment isn't of concern.

Being used, i'm discovering, is a pretty big fetish of mine. Being fucked, not because the other person wants me so much but only because i have holes that will satisfy their primal need. That is part of what rape scenes are about to me, i could have been replaced by another woman and the rapist would have still done the same thing. Same with being a prostitute, the person fucking you calls the shots. We haven't done any sort of prostitution play to know if i am into it but i can see all the potential there!

i think it comes down to it feeling used = feeling owned to me. Lee owns me and therefore can
use me how ever She chooses. That means that i am Her prostitute, Her free prostitute i might add!, when She wants to fuck. Just like i am Her chef when She wants dinner, Her masseuse when she wants a massage. Don't read that wrong, i am in no way saying that i do not enjoy being Madam's prostitute, i am happily Her slut. :) i wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. :)

Okay i think i should quit rambling and go and be productive now.

A Word of Caution.... :)

i am so excited!! Madam and i have been talking about wanting to try another rape scene! Am i a happy little sub?? Yes Ma'am, i am!! Oh!, the thought of being used against my will.... Back to the post ;)

She said that She is feeling more confident about being able to use the force necessary to control me and physically top me even if/when i'm fighting back. Why? Well a couple of reasons really... for instance, our sex in general has become rougher which means She knows how far She can push me. When we first tried to have a rape scene we had not even broached some of the edgier play that i would now consider to be part of our regular play. Also, She now believes me that i want and enjoy when it hurts, physically and emotionally... apparently smiling like an idiot when talking about it later is a good indicator that one enjoyed the activity being mentioned and i've been doing a lot of smiling after some fun stuff that's been going on in the bedroom lol!

But can i just put out a quick suggestion to fellow subs and say that it's never in your best interest to say anything along the lines of the following... "Either i have gotten used to Your spankings, Madam or You aren't hitting as hard as You used to." Not in your best interest, i do not suggest that one ever say that their Domme is not hitting "hard enough"... Especially when the answer you get is " No slut, i'm hitting you harder than before" accented with a look that tells me that was not the best i could have said. But those who know me will know that i do not have a filter at times. That, i believe is why got a spanking that had tears welling up in my eyes a bit last night. :) As well as other delicious things!


The only thing worse a sub could do would be to say they want to be used without being allowed to orgasm themselves for days possibly.... but we won't say that!