Obedience

“Obedience is a form of social influence where an individual acts in response to a direct order from another individual, who is usually an authority figure. It is assumed that without such an order the person would not have acted in this way. Obedience occurs when you are told to do something (authority), whereas conformity happens through social pressure (the norms of the majority). Obedience involves a hierarchy of power / status. Therefore, the person giving the order has a higher status than the person receiving the order.” (copied from simplypsychology.org/obedience.html)

Obedience in a M/s context means that the slave is consciously choosing to submit his/her mind and body to the will of their Master, their rules, rituals and protocols. For most slaves this is a learned behavior that must be practiced and slowly expanded upon. For me it most certainly has been learned. It’s something that i have been working on it since we started down this path over six years ago. i have been, up till now, very strong willed and can be disobedient at times if I'm not in the right headspace. Obedience has to become a state of being almost, a complete acquiescence to the slave’s chosen authority figure, in my case, to Master. It is usually a foundational ingredient in most M/s relationships, whether casual or 24/7 or anywhere in between. It’s one of those relationship make it or break it kind of tenants in my relationship with Master. Declaring my obedience to Her is part of the mantra that i say.

For a Power Exchange to work smoothly the slave must be obedient. This way the Master knows what kind of reaction to expect. It can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful M/s relationship. In a TPE the Master should be able to expect that what He/She says will be followed with a minimum of questioning.

No slave can be 100% obedient all the time. i struggle with my obedience at times. It can be very challenging mentally to obey sometimes, especially when i strongly disagree.

At the core of obedience is respect and humility. Respect for your Master and your dynamic. Respect for the trust that you have placed in your Master. And humility in that you need to remember your place in your relationship as slave.

How do you demonstrate your obedience, beyond just following their rules?

-Pay close attention to your Master, especially when around others. Stop what you are doing and look at them while they are speaking. Making eye contact is also a good way to show you are paying attention. This makes them feel special, respected, appreciated, honoured, and proud of their slave.

-Don’t roll your eyes or back talk when they ask you to do something. This is just passive aggressive behavior and will generally not get you the desired outcome. If you have them, present your opposing viewpoint (if you’re allowed to do so) politely and in keeping with your dynamic. Being obedient doesn’t mean that you will always agree with your Master but it does mean that you may not have the final decision. Also remember to try to pick a good time and place for you to share your disagreement.

-Be polite all the time. Ask for their permission for things and use your please and thank you’s.

-Do things the first time you are asked, the way you were asked. Don’t make your Master have to ask you a second time and do exactly what they have asked of you and nothing less. Delaying something that your Master has asked of you is like saying that whatever you are doing is more important than what they asked you to do. It is frustrating and annoying to your Master and makes them feel unimportant and possibly taken for granted i once heard a saying that goes something like delayed obedience becomes immediate disobedience; partial obedience is complete disobedience.

-Do things that they haven’t asked that you know they like. i like to ask Master if She needs anything when i am up so i can get/do something for Her.

-If you disagree with your Master, consider the reasons that they have told you to do something/denied you something/etc. before getting upset.

Now for my personal experience. Part of the reason that i chose to “research” this topic was because Master and i have agreed that we need to be working on our relationship more actively and this was one of the areas that we thought i needed to work on to improve our M/s. i’d say that my biggest challenge is not so much with not responding immediately to orders, but with begrudging Master for making me do something that i’m not wanting to do at the moment. This comes out in poor attitude and slower service. Some Masters say that they don’t care about whether the slave is enjoying the ordered task as long as they do it but i think that to put your whole heart into it means that you are happily providing the requested service. i believe that part of my problem comes from my mental illness. i have very black and white thinking so i either love or hate something so if i’m asked to do something that i don’t like i have a hard time forcing myself to enjoy it to put all of myself into the ordered task. i am also forgetful and a bit absent minded at times; i forget what exactly Master told me to do or to perform a ritualized order. So what am i doing to correct my problems with obedience? Well, first of all i am writing this blog which forced me to take a look at my own obedience and decided that obedience will be the topic for discussion at the next submissives group get together. So i am gathering ideas on how to be more obedient and seeking support. i have also made a commitment to myself to be more immediately obedient and try to serve Master more happily in remembering that making Her happy makes me happy. i have also decided that i need to work on getting my borderline personality disorder under better control and need to brush up on my mindfulness skills. In choosing to obey i am setting myself free of the constraints of having to make choices for myself and us.

Through my travels on the interwebs i found this little quote that i will leave you with: “They may not always be right but they will always be Master.”

What's in a Name?

I was reminded earlier this week as to why my mother and I have a very superficial relationship and why I don't tell her anything. She came in for her annual visit and I knew leading up to this week that I was going to tell her about Kawhaii and that I go by Lee. I wish I had done neither. 

The second day she was here, she and I went out taking pictures while elle was at work. All day I was trying to push myself to say that I wanted to talk to her. I couldn't do it. I was worried over her reaction and just couldn't get the words out. At dinner, I continued trying and elle finally leaned over and said that I needed to do it. With a deep breath, I spat it out. I had a few things to tell her that weren't really phone conversations.

I told her first that we have a girlfriend. She was rather taken aback and didn't understand why or how. I explained a little bit and I could see in her face she didn't approve but was able to say something to the effect of if that's our preference then hopefully our marriage is strong enough to handle a third. 

She asked what else I had to tell her and I said that elle and our friends call me Lee. She was immediately upset, eyes welling with tears, looking away from me, and not saying anything. I moved over to sit beside her and asked what she was thinking. She said that I will always be Kim to her, I told her I wasn't asking her to change that; she said that she felt rejected because she gave me my name (had she said we, as in her and my dad that died 32 years ago, I may have felt guilt rather than anger), I told her this is still part of my name (Kimberlee) it's just more neutral and I feel more comfortable with it; she said that she knows I'm a good person and don't mean to hurt anyone, but she still feels rejected, I just bit my tongue, let a few tears fall before I could swallow my feelings and fought very hard to stay in my seat. I was so close to telling elle that I was sorry but I had to leave. The only reason I didn't was because I wasn't going to leave elle alone with my crying mother and make her deal with it.

That was all that was said and I'm sure all that will ever be said. Lee will never exist to her and I will have a stroke if she ever asks about Kawhaii. The rest of that night and the following days, it was as if that conversation never happened. I've been switching between anger, hurt, rejection, and resignation since then but buried all of it because I just couldn't deal with it while she was here. elle asked if I wanted to talk about it that night, but I told her no I needed to stay angry so I could keep it in better. That's the second time she has rejected me for finally telling her the truth of who I am - first she told me it was like I had died when I came out as gay and now because I 'reject' her name she rejects my identity. 

I am very good at keeping thoughts and feelings to myself (right girls?) because it is a lot harder for someone to discard me for being who I am if they don't know me. 

Right now I just what to surround myself with the people that love me for who I am...unfortunately I can't do much of that. elle has been great of course and understands my hurt. Last week though, I made the decision that elle and I needed to take a three week break from contacting Kawhaii in order to focus on trying to figure out where our issues are coming from and make a plan to fix things. I wanted to be in both their arms, feeling love from both of them, and I couldn't even tell Kawhaii what was going on let alone see her. 

We did see her at an event last night and so I filled her in. It wasn't a great place for talking though so not much was able to be said. It's really hard not talking to her or seeing her, though I stand by my decision and reason behind it. I miss her a lot, and I'm sure that will increase with mom gone and knowing that we could be seeing her. I feel like I'm missing part of me and worry that she'll realize the opposite. We bring a lot of stress into her life; maybe she will be happier to have that gone how ever much great feelings are involved.

elle and I are struggling with our relationship and I'm scared to think what will happen if we don't get things straightened out. I'm not going to get into our issues and still need to do some soul searching to really get down to what the problems are, but I am really hoping that with a few weeks of a bit more time together we can at least open up better communication and see more clearly what we can do to move forward. I have not taken the break from Kawhaii because I feel she is causing the issues, not in the least, but just as a way to make us focus more on the two of us and making us strong again without dragging Kawhaii into the stress of it. Two more weeks.   

On Shaky Ground

Things haven't been going so great lately. Our relationship between Master and i as well as with Kahwaii has taken a few major hits lately and we are all suffering because of them. Master has a few ideas on how She wants to fix them. One of the ideas i disagree with and the other i agree with but am embarrassed by it. i'm not going to share them until after we have a chance to talk to Kahwaii about them, which we are planning on doing this evening.

In my opinion, it was all starting to brew just below the surface for a while before we went to Kahwaii's cabin at the beginning of last month but things happened while we were there that i believe never got fully resolved which compounded the earlier problems and they've all been escalating ever since. The security of our relationship feels like it is resting on a very thin line.

my jealousy over the connection that Master and Kahwaii have is my biggest problem i believe. i'm not sure why i am jealous now because in the beginning i was not at all jealous. In fact, it was quite the opposite, i craved to see them develop a bond together and i was concerned that Master would have a hard time seeing me with someone else. i don't know what made the switch flip. i think it's because Kahwaii and i don't connect the same way that she does with Master. We connect sexually but because of the nature of our relationship we have sex very infrequently. i really wish that it was more often because i feel so much closer to her afterwards, even if its not sex per say even when she and i make out and definitely after she has beat on me.

i have been having some fairly wild emotional mood swings and have been changing my opinion/view on topics (because of the swinging emotions) a lot lately. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) seems to be rearing it's ugly head more as of late. This morning i even suggested that i try re-upping my one medication that we had reduced a few months ago to see if that will help. Master and i even briefly talked about going to talk to someone together but we decided that we don't feel like teaching someone about our style of relationship and even then the person may not understand enough to be effective in helping us navigate some fairly unique relationship problems. And since i already have more than maxed out my portion of my insurance coverage for psych we cant really afford it anyways. So we are going to try to work things out on our own.

What do we need to work on exactly? i need to work on being more obedient and less headstrong. i am a very strong willed person and when i believe in something i will fight for it tooth and nail. i also need to work on getting my BPD under control again and try to see the grey areas in between the black and white that i tend to see. For example, to me, you either love or hate, nothing more, nothing less, simple as that. My mental health being unstable creates and exacerbates so many problems. i believe it is at the root of my jealousy issues and if i can figure out just what would be causing it maybe i can work with my psychologist to correct it. In my opinion Master needs to work on Her consistency with enforcing the rules and slowly but steadily upping Her authority in more and more of my life.

Life is about to get busy. Next week Master's Mom will be here for 5 days plus one of my stepsisters is getting married just after Mom leaves. As well, i have just started a new casual job, i haven't even had my first shift yet but once i do i imagine i will get a bit busier with that too. i'm not sure when Master and i are going to find time to work on our relationship but we need to make it a priority, much more so than we have been in the last while.

A Storm is Brewing

It has been quite a while since I have said anything here, but not for lack of things to talk about. I have stared at the blank screen on a number of occasions and have second guessed writing about any of the topics or feelings that have come to mind, but here goes...
___________

Life is complicated. We have run up against a number of difficult issues over the past few months and haven't really come up with any easy fixes yet. About a month ago, the three of us went to Kahwaii's parent's cabin on the lake. It was wonderful being out there with boat access only, one neighbor in the bay, and very little for modern convenience. I could really easily just live in a place like that. I was really looking forward to three days with just my girls and getting some extended time with Kahwaii without anyone having to go home at the end of the night.

We had some fantastic moments out there - we took advantage of the lack of people and had an incredible outdoor humiliation scene followed up by really hot sex and a chance to cuck elle. Sitting on the dock, watching the sun set over the water was beautiful, though it made me a bit homesick for Victoria. We snuggled on the couch in front of the fire and simply seeing Kahwaii each day made me very happy.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan a couple of times and a decent amount of our time was spent trying to figure out hurt feelings and upset emotions. See, Kahwaii and I have a very good connection and apparently our energy is rather overpowering. We think we are being inclusive and tell elle she is always welcome to join conversations and such, but due to our connection I guess we look involved in private moments that aren't inviting. elle felt excluded and hurt by this.

The second night in, after the humiliation and cucking, I tucked elle into bed because she was falling asleep. As I did so, she encouraged me to tell Kahwaii that I love her (I confessed this to elle quite awhile ago). I did and Kahwaii said it back. It was great being able to say it to her with elle's encouragement...until things went sideways. Turns out, elle encouraged me because she knew I wanted to tell Kahwaii and thought that was what I wanted to hear. I did want her support, but I wanted it truthfully. It hurts elle to know I am loved back and this has brought out a fair bit of jealousy that she's having a hard time overcoming. We've realized that she was probably having sub drop and the emotional hurt was bigger because of it, but it's still there.

elle and Kahwaii have some difficulty connecting and their relationship label has changed a few times making emotions run like a rollercoaster. It's hard on both of them trying to figure out feelings and how best to improve their relationship and D/s dynamic. I feel very guilty to be so happy with where Kahwaii and I are at because it hurts elle; I am scared I will lose Kahwaii if they aren't able to connect more; I miss Kahwaii as soon as we are apart and always look forward to when I can see her again. The more time I spend with Kahwaii the harder I fall for her and the bigger my heart will break if it ends. I don't want this to hurt anyone but I don't want to pull back to try to keep that from happening either.

Since coming home from the cabin there has been ongoing jealousy. elle is having a hard time with Kahwaii and I saying I love you (even privately) and for a while had asked if we would refrain. It was very difficult not saying it when we'd finally started to and it felt unfair that we were stopping because the feelings weren't the same between elle and Kahwaii. They are separate relationships that grow differently and it felt like a punishment because ours grew closer faster. Alone time with Kahwaii was also nonexistent since then.

elle wants to be ok with everything and gets mad at herself for not being so. I can understand her side and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I need to be able to throw myself into this relationship with Kahwaii as well to be fair to what we have. We tried to deny it, but we knew from the start feelings were going to happen. We are not primaries but the feelings are no less valid or important. Same with the feelings between elle and Kahwaii. No one is expendable.

This past weekend was a kinky camping event with 80+ people. It was our second time going, and the place where Kahwaii's interest in us started showing last year. It was pretty awesome being there this year and not just watching her from a distance (I think I've already mentioned that I had quite a crush on her from early on in meeting her). Last year secret crush, this year in love.

Things weren't all great though. More or less the same emotions were coming out. At one point I took elle aside because I was getting really upset over the double standard that I felt was happening between what was ok to happen between her and Kahwaii compared to myself and Kahwaii. I've been getting very frustrated by this and pull back from Kahwaii each time the three of us are together in order to not upset elle, that hasn't really been making it better for anyone though.

I don't know how to help them learn each other's language so they can communicate better. I've tried 'translating' for them but I'm worried it's not enough. What I worry is that they are too different everywhere except in their individual levels of dominance in which I think they could be on par if elle was on the top side. It leads to head butting as an unconscious struggle for power. The dynamic is Kahwaii dominant and elle submissive, but I think her brain tells her to push back because it feels there is a chance to gain control. elle can submit to J because he is more dominant and she won't get the control - he intimidates her; she can submit to me because if she doesn't it would royally fuck our shit up; she has a hard time fully submitting to Kahwaii because if she fights enough maybe she can wrest the control away. I'm not saying this is through conscious choice at all, and I know elle doesn't see where she is doing said pushing back, but it is there and I believe is a big reason they have a more difficult time connecting.

(I wrote this a few weeks ago and was going to add more, but am leaving it at this to move on to more recent events.)

Our Fifth Anniversary

Five years today! It has been five years that Master and i have been married. It seems like it happened both just yesterday and forever ago. The day we got married was one of the happiest days of my life! i have been looking back at where we have come in the past five years and i can't believe some of the leaps and bounds that we have made in our lives both kink/M/s-wise and personally. We have been through a lot and come out much stronger as individuals and as a couple.

In our personal lives, moving and trying to have a baby were probably our two biggest challenges. Moving was huge for us because we were leaving behind the life we knew together. The planning was stressful, we had to get our shit and ourselves as well as our four cats half way across the country. Lee was moving to a city She had never even been to. i  was doing something i told myself that i'd never do, move back to the city i grew up in. For me, moving was, in a way, like admitting defeat; i was returning to a place that i had told myself i'd never live in again. If i thought moving was hard, going through trying to have a baby was even more tough. We spent so much time and money on trying to have a baby and in the end, almost exactly a year ago now, we decided not to continue pursuing that path. That decision was hard and i still struggle with it sometimes. Just yesterday i had a few moments where i started second guessing if we had made the right decision, first when i saw a cute little girl and the second time was when i was going through baby clothes that we had in storage. (we took them to a consignment store) It hurts and i don't think many people realize that i still struggle with that decision. Sometimes it feels like we failed or like we lost our dream.

In addition to those changes i have also applied to go back to school, which was a bit stressful and will be even more so when it actually happens. Also my mental health continues to be a struggle, some times more so than others. Just recently i had a pretty huge emotional/angry outburst in front of both Master and Kahwaii that we have now decided was brought on by the down swing of some great humiliation play.

In our kink/M/s lives revamping our M/s, going to Power eXchange Summit and meeting our family were the biggest events. When we got married, our M/s was at the peak of where it was when we were living in Victoria, in my opinion. It really fell off for a while while we were getting shit together to move and for about the first oh, six to nine or so months after we moved. After we started attending MAsT, and in particular the protocol dinner that MAsT hosted, our dynamic took off and we have been only getting stronger and stronger as the months and now years pass. We have more structure and protocols now, which i thrive under because i like things to be organized and in order. We never really figured out what happened to make it all click and stay together finally but i am so glad that it did! Power eXchange Summit was THE highlight of 2015 in my opinion. We were just so lucky to be immersed in the TPE/M/s energy that was flowing at the conference. It gave us a few new perspectives/insights on our relationship and it opened Master's eyes to cuckqeaning. Meeting Sir J and d has given Master and i something that i think every TPE and/or M/s couple needs, more than just best friends, they are our Leather family. If shit were to ever really hit the fan i know without a doubt they would be there for us in an instant just as we would for them. Master and i are able to be completely honest with them about any aspect of our lives. We also have Kahwaii, who may not be part of our Leather family but i do consider her to be family none the less. She is a joy and a blessing that i never would have thought was possible. Because of her Master and i can explore some sexual activities that are impossible to do alone. But more importantly it has proven to us that love is not divided but multiplies when another partner is added. i now have the honour and privileged of loving and serving two wonderful women. i feel more loved by Master now than before we had Kahwaii in our lives.

Five years. How can it feel like both just an instant and forever? Sometimes i feel like i know so much about Master that it is impossible that it has only been five years. But as they say time flies when you're having fun and these past five years have definitely been a blast! i can't wait for the next five and how ever many more after that....

Breaking Down Walls and Getting Over Jealousy

As anyone who is close to me can attest to, i have some pretty high and thick walls that surround me.
Why do i put up walls? i guess in a sense it's a control thing. The less someone knows about me the less they have to use to hurt me. There are many reasons for the walls, there are two big ones though. The first being that i grew up with two alcoholic parents. They were not abusive in a traditional sense but let's just say that i took care of my sister a lot when we were young. The second reason is that my last girlfriend before Lee was verbally and emotionally abusive. She would call me crazy, stupid or other names, she would threaten me and used the removal of affection and emotional detachment as ways to "punish" me if i had been "bad" (not that we used those words though). my mental health struggles also make me scared to let people in. i'm scared that if someone sees the real crazy in me they will get scared off themselves. i have a huge fear of abandonment so rather than be abandoned, i have a habit of just not letting people in and/or pushing them away. i think another fear i have is doing or saying something to jeopardize the relationship Master has with Kahwaii. Another piece in the problem pie is that i have viewed needing help as a sign of weakness and that being offered help was a way of the other person telling me that they thought that i was weak.

i have a have a hard time knocking down those walls to let people in and get close to me; they end up having to climb over them instead. This is not good for anybody to do but especially in a budding D/s relationship it is really not good. But that is what i have been doing to Kahwaii. Last night, we (all three of us) had a conversation about where things between her and i are going among other things. We have decided that we are going to pursue a D/s dynamic. The details of what rules and protocols weren't discussed much other than that i will be punished if she tells me to do something and i don't (which happened last week and is part of what spurred this conversation). She also wants me to check in via text with her more often; she had said not necessarily every day but i think i will try to do it daily just to keep in the habit of it. i had already started serving her drinks and such like i do with Master and since she enjoys it i will continue to do it. She also already punishes me for biting my nails by moving stuff around in my kitchen. So there are a few things we do. i think some sort of greeting ritual could be beneficial, kind of like having the mantra i say with Master which we both find very centering. Master also mentioned that She is thinking that Kahwaii will be in charge of enforcing Master's rules for me when it's just Kahwaii and i.

So how do i go about letting Kahwaii in without making her climb over my walls? Surely now that i/we have acknowledged that they exist it should be easier to knock them down, that seems to me to be the first step in the process. So what is next? i think i need to talk to her about my past more. Maybe if i open up about the two issues that i've already mentioned plus all the other shit that has happened in my life maybe then she will understand where i come from a bit more. Plus, i need to be honest about my feelings and worries, which up till now i haven't been so great at. i believe that Kahwaii has earned my trust and i need to reciprocate by opening up. She has demonstrated to me that she doesn't plan on leaving nor will she intentionally harm me. i need to surrender myself to her.

Two weekends ago was Pride here. Kahwaii had mentioned that she didn't have anything rainbow to wear to Pride. So Master and i went to see if we could find something for her at the Pride market on the Saturday. We were unsuccessful so after the parade on Sunday we went back to look in the market again and found a bracelet that we decided to get her. After the festival we all came back to the house and long story short Master gave the bracelet to Kahwaii without me. She was under the impression that the bracelet was a gift from Her while i thought it was from us. i got upset a few days later when i saw Kahwaii wearing it. It brought out feelings of jealousy in two ways i now realize after talking to my psychologist about the situation. The first is the one that i had already considered. i was jealous of Master getting to give Kahwaii a gift and jealous of Kahwaii for getting something when i hadn't, especially because i thought that Master had gone back to get me one too when She went to get us food. i thought i had worked them out until yesterday when Master was the one to give Kahwaii the small gift we brought her back from our trip and it re-opened the flood gate of jealous feelings.

To Kahwaii: You were right last night when you said that we have to make what we have work as far as our poly dynamic goes. i think if we can make the cucking work for all of us the dynamic between you and i will grow so much stronger; our power exchange will only strengthen. i'm beyond thrilled that you have agreed to try cucking me. You will make such a beautiful cuckcake! You were also right when you said that i thrive on routine and structure. So that means i need you to enforce the rules and protocols that you decide on and to keep me in line if my "toppy" play is getting to be too much. In serving and obeying you i not only make you happy but i make myself happy too. i hate that i made you mad by disobeying what you told me to do and will take what ever punishment you decide is warranted. i am sorry. i am also sorry that i was trying to hide my feelings from you, especially jealousy about the bracelet that Master gave you.

My Take On Stuff and Things and a Bit More On Cucking

This may be a bit short as i have a dental appointment in a a few hours that i need to get myself ready for soon but i really wanted to get my feelings out while they were fresh on my mind.

i titled this my take on stuff and things because i don't know what stuff and things means to Kahwaii, in all honesty i don't fully know what it means to Master either. i've been struggling with what stuff and things means to myself and after talking with our Leather family and Master i think i have a bit of a better understanding on what it means to me. i imagine that it will evolve and in time i might have to re-evaluate what stuff and things means but for now here's what stuff and things means to me.

i care deeply for Kahwaii. When she's not around i miss her and wish that i were with her. i think about her from time to time and wonder what she is doing. i wonder if she's thinking about me. When she is around i want to be close to her. i want to touch her, kiss her and do sexy things with her. i immensely enjoy our sex and crave feeling her hands on every inch of my body. But i also enjoy just sitting with her and talking, finding out more about her. When she laughs, it makes me happy. When she is upset or crying i just want to hold her and make her feel better how ever it may need to be done. i want to learn more about her, what makes her tick.

i wish that i knew exactly what stuff and things means to Kawhaii. Part of my mental illness struggle is that my thinking tends to be very black and white so i have a hard time the grey areas, the unknown. Our Leather family was trying to re-assure me that stuff and things doesn't necessarily mean the big L word but it has a meaning to her, if it's not the big L word then what is it? That's where my head goes at least and it's damn near impossible to stop the thoughts.

i am most definitely not ready for saying the big L word, i don't think that will happen any time soon. i'm just not there yet. Maybe one day but at this point to be honest i'm not sure that i want that to happen. So what exactly does that mean for stuff and things for me? Who the fuck knows.

i strongly believe if Master and Kahwaii were to have a "deeper" relationship than Kahwaii and i that i would be okay with that. To me i think that that is closer to the type of poly that i had envisioned, along the lines of cucking. The version of poly that Master and i had always talked about was more of a V-style relationship with Her as the fulcrum and the other woman and i having only sexual contact for Master's pleasure/entertainment and the two of them cucking me occasionally (or more). Our relationship with Kahwaii is definitely a triangle, all of us are in a relationship fully with each other. The triangle arrangement could still work for some sexual cucking but Kahwaii is incredibly scared of coming between Master and i. i don't think she realizes how much i'm into humiliation and degradation play. i think she thinks about it from her point of view of not wanting to have that done to her rather than seeing what appeals to me about it. But i like the feeling of being made to feel insignificant, it's the emotional masochist in me i guess. i also like that it reinforces our M/s dynamic by demonstrating how much power Master has to be able to say such "awful" things to me. It clearly shows me that i am owned property.

For example, last night Master and i role played last night about me being another woman, someone from our past. Role playing being the other woman is kind of the ultimate in humiliation because i have to make fun of myself. As i played the other woman, Master and i degraded her wife as being a pathetic slut that's only good as back-up holes for when the good ones (the other woman's) weren't available. That got Master off, which lately has been rare and i had a pretty good orgasm too.

Master and i both would like to experience cuckqueaning for real. We have come up with a few ideas as to how we might be able to incorporate it into our play with Kahwaii in ways that she is hopefully comfortable with, small things such as Master telling me that She likes kissing/ fucking/etc. Kahwaii while we all are having sex but avoiding things such as outright comparing Kahwaii and i (at least for now until we can hopefully get her more comfortable with that). At some point i would love it if the two of them were to have sex without me even there but i don't foresee that happening any time soon, if ever.