The Writing On my Back

The other night Lee and i got to play (that's what we call our bedroom fun-if you get what i mean!!). It started off with me stripping naked, massaging her feet and redoing her toenail polish. Then she made me lay at Her feet while she read. It was difficult to just lay there and not think- my brain just kept wanting to plan stuff, what are we having for dinner tomorrow?, what chores/tasks do i need to work on?, is the gash on my finger going to turn into an ugly scar?.... but every time it happened i just kept repeating my verse. What's my verse you ask, well i will try to remember to add it at the end of this post. i wrote it the other day cause i was starting to feel like i wanted something to repeat when i felt like i was drifting away from my service mind frame. i am also repeating it to Lee each morning when She marks me (puts on my collar) and each night when She takes it off. But i digress...back to playing....

So after i got to lay at Madam's feet for some time she got up and left me lying on the floor in the living room. i could hear Her in our bedroom rummaging around and was pretty sure that we were going to play soon. i started to get excited!! She came up behind me and put a blindfold over my eyes and clipped a leash on my collar. i was ordered to crawl to our bedroom then kneel while She went to get the rest of what She needed to play. Madam happens to enjoy photography so photos of me blindfolded and kneeling were in order. After the photography session was finished i was ordered to put in ear plugs and told not to speak. She then pulled me up on the bed and pushed me down to lie flat on my stomach.

Madam gave me some warm up spanks with Her hands then started to scratch my back, ass and thighs with what i now know was a bamboo skewer. Oh it was one of the most delightful feelings, it was stingy like the cane but sharper, more concentrated. She alternated that with dripping melted ice on me which i didn't like at all and squirmed and tried to cover myself which lead to being cuffed and restrained. i'm not sure why i reacted so strongly to the ice, we have used ice in play before and quite enjoyed it but not this time for some reason...

The best part of the night came when i got a whiff of a Sharpie pen for a split second. i had told Madam before that i wanted her to write on me and was secretly thrilled while i could feel the pen being dragged across my skin. Then back to the scratching, spanking and ice.

She made me roll over onto my back and continued the scratching and ice torture. Even though She had told me to be silent i begged for Her to stop every time i felt a drop of the ice water hit my skin. i felt the tip of the skewer on my nipples and would have sworn that She was trying to get it to pierce them. The next thing i knew the skewer was trying to turn my clit into shishkebab. At first i thought i was going to cry it was so painful then all the sudden i could feel the familiar sensation of an orgasm building but i wasn't allowed to speak and Madam hadn't given me permission to cum so i sucked back the orgasm and tried to ride out the wave.

That's when i drifted off into a deeper sub space, a place where i don't go to very often. Madam told me after we had finished playing that i became almost unresponsive. Unfortunately she didn't recognize what had happened as me going deep and decided to end our session. The jarring out of deep space was hard. It took me a while to really understand that the scene was over. i was sad and somewhat disappointed that She pulled me out of such a warm wonderful place. It wasn't her fault, we are learning together and She thought something was wrong so i am glad that She did what She did for that reason. i just hope that She will soon be able to recognize it and give me the opportunity to experience it more.

I pointed out to her after i had come down more that she didn't do anything about the fact that i had been begging her to stop with the ice even though She had told me not to speak. She told me that She enjoyed hearing me beg too much to put a stop to it. i have learned something new about my Madam, i didn't know that She likes to hear me beg!!

She showed me the pictures that She took... i love the look of the writing on me. She had written "Owned by" on my back kinda between my shoulders and "Madam Lee" on my ass cheeks.

The writing on me left me feeing very owned and little almost all day yesterday. i guess it didn't help that Lee and i went to Wal-mart to get some stuff that i need to make my task chart and we looked for a pillow that i can use to kneel on while waiting at the door when She comes home from work and while servicing Her.

Well the new year is almost here. This year has been amazing, i finished met the woman of my dreams, finished nursing school and finally opened up about my desire to be owned. i hope that next year is just as great!!

As for my verse i guess it's kind of my submission/service mantra. It is

All i am belongs to Madam

May my service be pleasing to Her

i proudly wear Her mark as a sign of Her ownership of me

Heart, body, mind and soul

i love you Lee, my Poppi

Conflicting Views

I have been quite silent on this blog so far; not knowing what to say...or more accurately not knowing how to express my feelings openly on here without feeling completely lacking in the domme department, so I have tried to just tuck them neatly away in the dark corners of my mind and spill them now and then to my elle. I find it getting harder though as time passes to continue this way and so finally I break my silence. Yesterday was a rough day.

I came home from a long, rather hectic day at work and all I wanted was to take elle into my arms and hold her against me, kiss her and just relax in her presence. However, when I arrived home she was not waiting at the door for me, nor were the dishes done or any of her chores for that matter, and she was fast asleep on the couch. My heart melted when I saw her curled up with the cat and my first thought wasn't about her undone chores, but was whether she was feeling alright - migraine, sick, etc.

I know as a domme many would probably say I should have shaken her awake, told her how she disappointed me for not doing her chores and dolled out her punishment right then. No excuses. But I am a soft, new domme that some of those more hardcore dommes and masters might call just a top or weak because instead I kissed her gently awake and contiued kissing her face for a few moments. I asked her a few questions on whether she was fine and determined that she was, she had just fallen asleep while reading. She questioned if I was mad that nothing had been done and quite honestly I wasn't.

I'm not very quick to get mad and I knew she would be beating herself up for not having done her chores so I didn't want to add to her distress. We have rules and punishments for breaking those rules but I am not good, yet, when it comes to punishing elle. When I told her she wouldn't be punished she was not happy and talked back, so for that I did mildly punish her by having her hold a penny to the wall for ten minutes with her nose.

She cried throughout those ten minutes and I found it increasingly harder not to go to her and find out why. After the ten minutes I did go to her and tried to talk to her but this only resulted in her taking her collar off and dropping it in my lap. She felt by not being punished for the chores, I didn't care enough about her. This and removing my mark really hurt. We have an amazing relationship that I am so thankful to have and in the last month or so we have brought 24/7 D/s into the picture. I am still learning my side of this lifestyle and we both know that I am not a born domme, so when she did this I was then the one to get really upset. For a moment there she may as well have removed her engagement ring and given it back to me.

I am taking slowly to the action side on my role but I am emotionally involved completely. It is such an incredible feeling to know she is that committed to me to wear my mark and want to service me in everyway, hearing her call me Madam Lee or say that I own her, is very intense and sometimes overwhelming. So to have her show how hurt she was by my lack of disipline by removing that symbol that I am so emotionally attached to was really hurtful too. I felt like I had failed her, but I don't know exactly how to become the ideal domme.

In previous relationships, I have always been a pushover and was so dedicated and loyal to a fault that I was just walked all over. Being with my exes it was never about me or what I wanted, I was the one running around doing everything I was told to keep the peace and now here I am with a most amazing woman that chooses herself to do everything for me out of love and dedication. I think I have out-of-whack views on the roles we both have because of my past and they are hard views to break from.

As the one with the power, I know it previously as the role that is demanding because of ones own laziness and sense of self entitlement. This person wants everyone to bow down to them, do everything from get them a drink to pay for huge expenses and give nothing in return.

As the one doing the serving, I know it previously as the role that is taken advantage of, that becomes like a puppy that keeps getting kicked and going back for more, that is not happy but won't speak up because they are being manipulated into thinking there is something in it for them and life is easier if not happier if they just go along.

I am stuck on these ideas. I don't want to come across as a big asshole that is just making demands of the woman that I love and expecting it to be done. I don't want her to beat herself up for disappointing me. And I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she actually enjoys her role and it is nothing like being the doormat/kicked puppy from my past. she acually wants to do this for me...out of love...she enjoys it??? Come on brain, catch up here!

I need to figure out how to bring my thinking around to our dynamic in these roles and forget about the past. I care so much about elle I hate her thinking the areas in which I lack are any indication of how I feel towards her or TTWD. I love you so much elle!

Book of Days

i am not the greatest at coming up with topics to write about and i didn't want to end up just writing about sex so i thought that the Service Book of Days was a good way to stimulate thought as well as give me some time to reflect on my week ahead. If you want to participate the original questions are on the Service Savoir Faire blog. i haven't had time to review it thoroughly but it does seem to be a good resource for many other service oriented ideas as well.
So without further ado here is my first Service Book of Days entry.

Outside my window... (weather, what do you hear, what do you see?)
The sky is cloudy but i can see the mountains across the water. The seagulls are calling once in a while. It sounds almost as quite out there as it does in here right now.
my thoughts...
i still feel bad about last night. i need to get my chores done to show Madam i'm worth Her time and effort
Today's Quote...
“True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself.” ~Henry Miller
i am thankful for...
Having a Madam that loves me even when i talk back, that She is willing to keep trying even when things are hard
From my service training... (any skills, training etc; notes you want to share this week)
i need to work on letting Lee decide when i need punishment. i guess it boils down to fully submitting, especially when i think that a situation should be handled differently. i have turned over the control/choice of how, when and why i need to be punished... i need to just shut up, listen and obey.
From the kitchen... (menu for the week, what are you cooking?)
Lee and i had Christmas dinner by ourselves and we had a huge turkey so we have oodles of leftovers to use up. my plan is to make some casseroles, soup and the likes and freeze them so She has lunches all ready to go.
i am wearing...
A tee shirt and capris sweatpants at the moment. i haven't decided what i'll wear for Lee when She gets home.......what i'm not wearing is my collar, i miss it so much and feel kinda naked without it. It seems a bit strange that i can be naked with only my collar on and feel complete or fully clothed and without Madam's mark and feel so naked and exposed
i am creating... (crafts, sewing etc;)
i need to write thank-you notes for my Christmas gifts. i am also thinking of making a daily/weekly chore checklist for the fridge to help stay organized (and cause i love lists)
my adventures this week... (where are you going this week?)
i don't think i'll be going anywhere this week, Lee and i are thinking of going downtown for the free activities going on on New Year's Eve
Becoming well read... (What are you reading this week?)
i'm reading Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters, as recommended to me by Lee
i manifest and co-create... (what are your hopes, dreams, and prayers this week)
i hope to find work soon as much as i love staying home and being able to care for Lee our budget is getting really tight. i hope that Lee and i can work out a few of the wrinkles that we have stumbled upon in TTWD
Today's Melody... (what music are you listening to? even if it's just the sound of a bird...)
Right now it's silent in here and i'm quite enjoying it. Later when i start my chores i will probably turn on some upbeat dancey music to keep me movin'
One of my favorite things...
i talked to a friend last night about going backpacking soon and am kinda stoke about the possibility, it's been far too long since i slept in a tent lol
further plans for this week...
Get our home in order so i can feel confident about going back to work if/when i find a job. Finish putting away the few tidbits left around from Christmas and on that note take down the decorations and store them for another year

Feeling Owned

Wednesday was Lee's day off. We were laying in bed relaxing before getting up for the day when She started to play with my nipples. After getting them hard She moved to my clit. After a minute or two i asked Her to put mark me (put Her collar on me). She told me to get into collar position- kneeling up, head bowed and arms behind my back. After She had it in place, She lifted my chin, kissed my lips hard and started to play with my clit again. In that moment i felt little. Then she told me not to close my eyes, to look into her eyes when i came. She held my head in her free hand and if i closed my eyes She kinda shook it and told me to open my eyes.

That made the owned feeling grow tenfold. i always thought to feel under Her control sexually i have to be bound in some way, helpless, unable to escape. In a way i guess i was.

i took longer to climax than usual, which isn't a bad thing cause i can be a hairpin trigger, if you know what i mean but when the waves of my orgasm took over my body my eyes were looking straight into Madam's.

It was emotionally intense. i have nothing of my own, i turn all of my being over to my Madam. Even my orgasms belong to her. i am totally owned.

i collapsed onto her chest and sobbed while she stroked my head.

Yesterday just before bed Lee and i started fooling around. i thought that we were just going to have vanilla sex until she pushed me onto our bed and climbed on top of me. We made out for a bit before she ordered me to undress for her. While i was stripping she told me that she wanted to bury Her face in my pussy... which i'm not terribly fond of (i love doing it to her but i feel awkward/embarrassed when it's done to me). i guess you could call it a soft limit but one that we are working on trying to overcome.

i kept telling myself that my body is for Her enjoyment. After a while i started to get into it more until she decided to try going further down and bean to lick my ass. That was the first time she has done that and i almost started crying i felt so embarrassed but at the same time it felt good.

Again i felt owned, that Madam was going to take pleasure in my body any She wanted.

In the end She penetrated my pussy with Her strong fingers and filled me while she sucked my clit until i gave Her the pleasure of my orgasm. After i came she continued to suck my clit, which made me feel owned on another level (i get very sensitive after orgasm and it is very uncomfortable for me to have my clit stimulated). But i stopped myself from pushing Her off like i would have done a few months ago and let Her continue until She was finished with me.

Thank you Madam for pushing me to explore my limits and for taking pleasure in your little slut.

i love you Poppi!!!!!!!

my Ideal Madam

Lee gave me this writing assignment. i am to think about what would make an ideal domme for me and why and to think of how it is for Her to switch into a 24/7 mind frame. if this is confusing or seems random i apologize but it's because i'm just typing as i think and trying not to edit my thoughts too much.

Qualities:

• Love is number one- i could not fully submit to someone not in the context of a loving relationship as my service comes from my heart...also You have to love Yourself to show me that you are deserving of and able to accept my love of you
• Open and honest communication-this is the basis of trust, without this there is no relationship. We need to be able to tell each other anything without fear of reprisal. We need to be open about our needs, feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fantasies, worries, insecurities not only about D/s but our relationship in general and as individuals
• Respect in and Pride for Yourself and me- we are humans we are not infallible. Realize that we will both make mistakes along the way but that doesn't mean that we are not a good person or a good Domme or sub/Owner or pet/Poppi or little one
• Self-Awareness-knowledge of what You want/need from me and our relationship so You can see the benefit/point of our power exchange
• Leadership/Guidance in day-to-day activities-to best be able to serve my Madam i need to know Her preferences, priorities, etc
• Self-Control-not reacting in anger to something i may do or say that my Madam dislikes
• Encouragement-to further explore my limits of pain, service, career advancement, etc
• Protection-in a scene by realizing when i have past my limit and can't/haven't used a safeword and in real life by making sure i have adequate shelter, food, clothing as well as Your physical protection when we are together
• Desire for Self-Improvement-i need my Madam to realize when She doesn't know something (or doesn't know enough) and takes the time to learn by reading, asking questions (of me or other Dom/mes), attends to munches/workshops/etc
• Patience with Yourself and me- we are still (and in my opinion will always be to an extent) learning. That doesn't mean being lax with our rules but does mean that You know when to push and when to give some slack
• Consistency-a big part of the reason that D/s appeals to me is the structure that it places in my life. i am a organized person in my heart but i need someone who can bring that into fruition
• Initiates sex, love making and scenes-i need to know that i am sexually desired not just loved. i want to be ravished, used for my Madam's gratification
• Maturity-to be able to honestly manifest most of the traits i have listed my Madam needs to be mature. She accepts responsibility when things go wrong as She is ultimately in charge

i can only imagine how difficult it is for Lee to move into 24/7 D/s. She leave our home in the morning and spend all day at work in the "vanilla world" then comes home and has to switch gears which i think could be hard for even a seasoned Dom/me. Even when She is at home we still have "vanilla world" stressors in our lives that can distract Her. i'm sure it is hard to feel Dommely when there are things going on in your life that make you feel powerless. We have been moving quite quickly into the 24/7 lifestyle and all the changes i'm sure are overwhelming. i have trouble remembering our rules sometimes and i don't expect Her to remember them all of the time either. When i catch myself breaking a rule i tell Her that i have so we are both reminded to help us learn them, not to "rub it in Her face" that She has forgotten/been lax about them. Being in a 24/7 D/s is not something that Lee had wanted initially and i still wonder sometimes if She really does want it or if She's just doing it for me and if that's true it would make it all that much harder for Her. But since i'm not her i don't really know how this is all affecting her, all i know is that it is challenging.

i'm going to end with a excerpt from a poem that i found the other day called Submissive Woman. It's really quite beautiful and if you want to read the whole thing its here.

Her part is much harder than mine and I know this and am grateful that she cares enough about me to spend her time and energy so freely on me.

I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to her.

I am both her pleasure and her responsibility and she takes both seriously.

I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that.

My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly and only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to she who has the strength will i give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.

Acceptence of Her decisions is going to be hard

This post was actually written before we had the blog set up (Dec 13/10). Sorry if it's kind of repeats stuff from Our Kinky Story.

I consider myself to be a good sub. i tried to do everything right, especially not top from the bottom even though i “knew more” than Lee and was trying to help Her navigate through all of the information out there. With Her working and me at home i have more time to learn and i am always hungry to learn. i have always said that if i won the lottery i would be a professional student. And besides that, it was me that first brought up the idea of BDSM to Her.

i’ll give you a bit of insight into elle so you know where i’m coming from. i have always been a control freak. my mom told me that when i was a little girl my parents called me their little drill sergeant cause i bossed my sister around so much. i have been told that i should be a lawyer/on a debate team cause i can argue a point till i’m blue in the face. In my past relationships, i have steamrolled my partners. Pretty much tried to control every aspect of our relationship and clearly that hasn’t worked as i’m not with any one of them (which i am very happy/grateful for as i love Lee more than anything in this universe). Lee, on the other hand, has been the pushover in Her past relationships. It wasn’t until after we started getting into the D/s dynamic more that i realized that it could help curb my controlling ways and prevent this relationship from heading down the same path as the previous ones.

We started out just playing in the bedroom as i’m sure many couples do, both of us saying that we just wanted to add some new fun to the usual (not that our sex life was going stale but it’s always fun to try new things!!). In the beginning i even dommed her a couple times. It became clear to me fairly quickly though that wasn’t “just in the bedroom” that i wanted, nor was i interested in domming her except to please her. i love hearing Lee call me Her girl (good girl, baby girl, you get the idea).

Slowly, i tried to act more demurely outside of the bedroom, little things like getting Her something to drink rather than She getting up to get the drink Herself. I have always been the main cook and with me not working it was only fair that I did it all but rather than calling Lee to dish up her own dinner i would dish it up and bring it to her. my acts of service became more overt and I made it clear that I wanted to serve her. She started to leave me a list of things She wanted me to do around our home while she was at work. One night she had me strip for and She enjoyed the way i removed my panties so now i am to do it that way each night for Her. One day i asked Her if She would like me to start to orally pleasure Her after She got home from work; She said She would so now i give her “nightly pleasure” on work nights automatically and She can demand it on non-work nights. She has mandated how i am to be dressed to greet her when She comes home from work; sexy, revealing clothing with no bra or panties if possible (some shirts look better with a bra on to hoist the girls into place, if ya know what i mean). Last week we added that i am wash and shampoo Her in the shower in the mornings. She has also added nightly maintenance spankings to our bedtime routine (thank you my Lady!!!) to help us each remember our places in our dynamic. We have defiantly move away from just playing in the bedroom.

In the last few days Lee has started to do more online reading. She has joined fetlife and decided to start the blog. i think that Her becoming more involved in learning will be a tremendous benefit to Her so that She can find out more concretely what She likes/hopes to get from our D/s dynamic. i think it has also overwhelmed Her.

She has said that she doesn’t want a 24/7 D/s relationship. i think that She doesn’t understand that just because we are 24/7 doesn’t mean that we cant still be open to expressing our love and affection toward each other. i don’t think she really understands the difference between a Domme and a Master or that we can create our own dynamic to suit us. i had asked her to come up with rules for our relationship so that i could find out what She is interested in pursuing, when to call Her by Her formal name and generally find out where She’s at.

i’m stalling… the reason that i am writing this post is because i was a bad girl. Yesterday afternoon we went to see a Christmas tree exhibit. On the bus on the way there, i mentioned to Lee that i wanted to play later once we got home. She told me that there was a good possibility for that to happen. It had been over a week since we have played and i was craving a beating. i was excited to say the least. Once we got back home from looking at the beautiful trees we both went on our computers for a while. Lee had offered to make dinner that night but I knew that she was involved in her reading and i didn’t want her be interrupted so i did the prep work for Her. i suggested to Lee that She read the rules set out on a slave’s blog that i have been reading as they are clearly ogranized and quite thorough. i didn’t mean for them to be applied to our dynamic as is (firstly, she is a slave and i don’t consider myself to be one and secondly, she is a mother so they have rules that just wouldn’t apply to us as we don’t have children-yet). So after dinner She read them. I think that Lee was struck by how strict their dynamic is and thought that (maybe, i‘m just guessing here) that was how i wanted ours to be. She started getting emotional saying that she didn’t want to loose the true us and have a cold, distant relationship. I think that we hadn’t been communicating very well on what each of us had been thinking our dynamic means for each of us individually and as a couple. i don’t want to sit in a corner waiting to be used for Her fancy. i don’t want to ask permission to kiss Her, touch Her, tell Her that i love Her. After we resolved the issue (i think it is one that is going to take more than one discussion to work out, part of the reason that i wanted Her to write up the rules in the first place was to open up that discussion) we went back to our computers. About an hour later i asked her if we were still going to play (it was getting late and if we were i figured we should get started). i knew there was a high probability that She was going to say no but i had wanted to so bad that i had to ask. i felt bad for asking, like i was ignoring what had happened. She said she didn’t feel like it anymore (i’m sure that if i was in Her shoes i would have felt the same way) but i couldn’t help but be disappointed. i had been looking forward to playing all afternoon, i wanted it so bad. i tried my best not to be a poutey, sulkey, brat. i got up and puttered around the apartment so Lee wouldn’t see my disappointment and feel guilty about saying no (She’s still learning how to say no don’t forget). i kept telling myself that it is Her choice, Her decision, this is what i want (Her making decisions for us). i just couldn’t shake it. Just after 10 (about an hour and a half later) she told me that it was time to get ready for bed, that She was wanted to read for a while in bed before sleeping. We got ready for bed (i got my spanking-thank you my Lady!!) but She could tell once we were settled that i was in a funk. She asked what was wrong and at first i told Her it was nothing but i decided i needed to be truthful and admitted how disappointed i had been with Her decision. She was obviously upset that She had disappointed me. We talked for a while, She reminded me that She makes decisions for a reasons and that i need to respect them (the decisions and reasons). i told her that i feel bad about disrespecting her authority and that i wish that i could control my thoughts better so that i would accept Her decisions without hesitation. She told me that i am to be patient with myself in my learning just as i am with Her in Her learning. We decided that writing about how i feel about being unable to control my thoughts would be my punishment for having “contrary thoughts”. i just want to be the best sub for Her and make her learning easier so she doesn’t have to worry about dealing with a brat.

To Lee,
i am so sorry that i made you feel guilty about your decision. i don’t want you to ever feel guilty about a decision you make again (unless it has serious negative consequences, but i don’t think You would do that, especially on purpose). Please accept this humble little girl’s deepest apologies. i swear to you that i will do everything i can to learn to accept your decisions without disappointment/resentment.

i also wanted to clarify what i want from our dynamic, how i see it running. Hopefully this will prevent another incident like last night. i think that the concept of a parent/child relationship is the best analogy i can think of to describe what i want. Your discipline, rules and domination are there because You love Your little girl and want to protect her, not micromanage her. A parent doesn’t tell their child when or how to use the toilet but may suggest before they go out for an extended time that they do before they leave home. A parent doesn’t tell their child what to wear on a day to day basis but on special occasions may. A parent doesn’t tell their child that they may not touch, kiss, hug, love their parent and also gives these things freely as well. A parent assigns chores/duties for their child to create structure and to teach skills not to avoid doing the tasks themselves. Punishment/disclipine given for breaking rules/not doing chores/not following commands is to reinforce structure and to show that disobedience is not tolerated at home so that this will be carried into the child’s broader life. i do not want to call You mommy, wear diapers, drink from bottles or anything infantile, please don’t get me wrong. i crave structure, order, expectations, lists and rules.

i expect that punishing me will be difficult for You. i don`t think that you are a “natural” sadist. It will not be something that either of us will enjoy or look forward to, but something that i think is necessary. As i mentioned last night, i think that for me a mix of physical punishment and a thought provoking task would be the best choice but i leave it up to you to ultimately decide what you think will help me learn the best.

i have been thinking a lot today, Lee, my Love, my Lady. As You will be able to tell as my other chores have been somewhat neglected so that i can fully reflect and describe how i feel. If you punish me for not doing my chores (which in a way I hope you will, not for my pleasure but to firmly establish that you won`t accept excuses), i will willingly accept it but i thought that it was important to spend my energy on writing this.

50 Lines for Tone of Voice

01. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
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29. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
30. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
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32. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
33. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
34. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
35. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
36. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
37. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
38. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
39. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
40. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
41. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
42. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
43. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
44. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
45. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
46. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
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49. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
50. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee

Our Kinky Story

It all started about three months ago. i can't remember why exactly i started looking at websites about BDSM, i was probably horny and looking for porn...

The first time Lee and i played with power exchange, i dommed Her. In our vanilla sex life, She was more of the "top", so to speak, but i did enjoy topping Lee from time to time - even using the strap-on. But i enjoy the feel of Her body crushing into mine, feeling her drive into me with Her fingers or purple cock more.

We played a few times with me domming Her then switched roles back and forth a bit. We both called ourselves switches and said that we were only interested in "playing in the bedroom". It soon became apparent to me that i was more interested in being the submissive partner and that at least i was interested in some sort of non-bedroom play. Looking back at it now, it was a very similar process to coming out as a lesbian - first i told myself that i was bisexual before finally coming out as a lesbian.

We went looking at toys at a few adult toy stores in town to see what was out there but being a single income family meant that store bought toys were out of our price range. We decided to go to a few dollar stores and second hand stores to see what "pervertables" we could find.

Being unemployed gave me the time to search out and read as much as i could find on the subject. The more i read the more i wanted to try. i had always fantasized about being raped so we set up a scenario so that i would end up "being the victim of a date rape". We set-up interrogation scenes (the first one in Lee was the interrogator, the second i was).

It has been about two weeks now since we established the first of our non-bedroom D/s exchanges officially (i had been slowly trying to serve her without it being overtly submissive before that). In the beginning it was just to give Her what we have nicknamed "nightly pleasure" (me going down on her) and to remove my panties for her in a specific way every night (when i wear panties). Lee has also told me how i am to be dressed to greet Her when She gets home from work. Recently, She added flipping a coin (heads - i don't masturbate, tails - i masturbate to orgasm) each morning before she goes to work, nightly over the lap maintenance spankings and that i am to shampoo/wash Her during Her morning shower.

We are currently working on drawing up a set of rules, list of duties/responsibilities for each of us and a (non exhaustive) list of potential punishments both physical and thought provoking.

While many people who are strict about how a D/s relationship is supposed to work would view me as topping from the bottom by being a part coming up with ways i can service Lee and helping Her write our rules, the way we look at it is that She is using my knowledge and research skills to make sure we have everything that we want in our dynamic.

The way i have explained the type of dynamic i want to Lee is that of a parent and child or owner and pet. i want us to love and respect each other. i do not want to walk three paces behind her when we are out nor do i want to kiss, touch or tell her i love her only when explicitly told i can.

i have seen a few people describe/call sub space "little", "little space" or feeling "small". i think that i have both a sub space and a little space. i love love love feeling little.

Lee has taken to calling me Her little girl which i *love* but we hadn't come up with an endearing name for me to call Her by until last night when i suggested Poppi which we both seem to like and are currently "testing it out".

i believe that we are on our way to having a beautiful, passionate, loving 24/7 D/s relationship.

Our Vanilla Story

Lee and i met on a vanilla dating website. She sent me a message and i almost didn't respond. You see, at the time i was in nursing school and was busy with my homework and such. But in Her profile She seemed friendly and physically looked like She was my type (i'm pretty much exclusively attracted to more andro/butch women) so i thought i'd give Her a chance and boy am i glad i did!! We talked online for 2 weeks before Lee asked me to go on a date. We decided to go for a drink then to a movie. She sent me a message telling me not to take it the wrong way if She didn't talk too much on our date, that She can be quiet when She gets nervous or something like that. i thought "oh great so now i'm going to be responsible for carrying the conversation for the evening, maybe this isn't such a great idea...well it's a good thing we're going to a movie i guess!!!"
i was feeling nervous and excited as Friday approached. She was outside the theatre when i got there, leaning with Her back against the wall looking suave and sexy. We went to a restaurant nearby. i remember trying to come up with some excuse to touch Her. i don't remember what we talked about, probably our cats (we both have multiple cats, we're lesbians, ok??). It doesn't really matter what it was. She carried Her side of the conversation quite well thankfully and time flew by. We went to the movie - Lovely Bones (i remembered Lee, are you proud of Your girl?!?!) and the whole time i spent more energy on wishing She would hold my hand than paying attention to what was going on onscreen. After leaving the theatre we decided that we weren't ready for the night to end so we went to a pub. We talked and talked, again can't tell you what was said but finally at about 2 am we left and started to make our way home.
We walked together (and for a while with a drunk man who was trying to walk to a pub that is probably about a half hour car ride away!!!) to the point where we had to go our separate ways. We stood on the corner on a fairly busy intersection and had our first kiss. Her lips felt like velvet. Her mouth was so warm and inviting. The bars were letting out and taxis were driving by to take the drunk bar-goers home for the night. I can't tell you how many times people yelled out the windows at us but we didn't care. i wanted Her to come home with me so badly but i had promised myself that i wasn't going to do that any more (i have had a history of sex first, relationship second way of doing things that obviously hadn't been working for me). So finally after the most passionate wonderful kissing i have experienced in my life, we parted ways.
The next day She texted me telling me that She had had a great time and thought that i was very cute. We texted for a bit both admitting that we very much liked kissing each other.
We met on Sunday to go for a walk after i finished studying for midterms. We ended up back at my place and in my bed to have the best "first time" sex EVER!!!! I made us chicken noodle soup and herb panini buns and promised that if She came over again i'd cook a real meal for Her.
We met quite a bit in the next few weeks. i was falling in love, we both were. But we were scared to say it so quickly so instead we said we were falling into trouble until one night we were out for a walk by the water when She said it, She told me She loves me.
We moved in together in the middle of March. We found a suite in the same building Her and Her ex-gf were living in. We moved her 2 and my 2 cats in to create our own little blended family.
We began talking about getting married right away (i know, lesbians, right?!?!). It was fast but we just felt so right for each other, we agree on everything for our future. We started looking at engagement rings but i was a student and living on student loans and she works retail so there wasn't an abundance of money. i have never been the type of girl to want some big rock and i am big on reusing/recycling (if you ever come to our home be prepared to drink out of an old salsa/peanut butter/etc jar rather than a proper glass!!) so we decided to go to the pawn shops and look there. One day i when i was getting my hair cut Lee went and bought one of the rings that we had been looking at and hid it. One day we were at home talking about the whole marriage idea and i suggested we just go to city hall on April 22 (our three month anniversary) and get married, that i didn't care about rings or any of that stuff i just wanted to be Her wife. Lee went to her closet, pulled out the ring and proposed then and there. It definitely wasn't the romantic dream proposal that little girls dream about but i didn't/don't care. Our families were less than impressed to say the least. That was a buzzkill for both of us. We have decided to wait on having the wedding until later.
In the summer Lee's mom came for a visit and my dad came in September just before i finished school (i think the visits helped warm them up to the idea of us getting married, or at least i hope they did!!).
As of now, i am unemployed and hoping to find a job soon and Lee is doing her best to support us. We are thinking of getting married in the late spring/early summer. We hope to have a child within a couple of years, for now we're just practicing the conception part lol!!
She holds the key to my heart. I love her to no end!!

Since I called this post our vanilla story i will end it here and post how we got started into D/s another day.