Acceptence of Her decisions is going to be hard

This post was actually written before we had the blog set up (Dec 13/10). Sorry if it's kind of repeats stuff from Our Kinky Story.

I consider myself to be a good sub. i tried to do everything right, especially not top from the bottom even though i “knew more” than Lee and was trying to help Her navigate through all of the information out there. With Her working and me at home i have more time to learn and i am always hungry to learn. i have always said that if i won the lottery i would be a professional student. And besides that, it was me that first brought up the idea of BDSM to Her.

i’ll give you a bit of insight into elle so you know where i’m coming from. i have always been a control freak. my mom told me that when i was a little girl my parents called me their little drill sergeant cause i bossed my sister around so much. i have been told that i should be a lawyer/on a debate team cause i can argue a point till i’m blue in the face. In my past relationships, i have steamrolled my partners. Pretty much tried to control every aspect of our relationship and clearly that hasn’t worked as i’m not with any one of them (which i am very happy/grateful for as i love Lee more than anything in this universe). Lee, on the other hand, has been the pushover in Her past relationships. It wasn’t until after we started getting into the D/s dynamic more that i realized that it could help curb my controlling ways and prevent this relationship from heading down the same path as the previous ones.

We started out just playing in the bedroom as i’m sure many couples do, both of us saying that we just wanted to add some new fun to the usual (not that our sex life was going stale but it’s always fun to try new things!!). In the beginning i even dommed her a couple times. It became clear to me fairly quickly though that wasn’t “just in the bedroom” that i wanted, nor was i interested in domming her except to please her. i love hearing Lee call me Her girl (good girl, baby girl, you get the idea).

Slowly, i tried to act more demurely outside of the bedroom, little things like getting Her something to drink rather than She getting up to get the drink Herself. I have always been the main cook and with me not working it was only fair that I did it all but rather than calling Lee to dish up her own dinner i would dish it up and bring it to her. my acts of service became more overt and I made it clear that I wanted to serve her. She started to leave me a list of things She wanted me to do around our home while she was at work. One night she had me strip for and She enjoyed the way i removed my panties so now i am to do it that way each night for Her. One day i asked Her if She would like me to start to orally pleasure Her after She got home from work; She said She would so now i give her “nightly pleasure” on work nights automatically and She can demand it on non-work nights. She has mandated how i am to be dressed to greet her when She comes home from work; sexy, revealing clothing with no bra or panties if possible (some shirts look better with a bra on to hoist the girls into place, if ya know what i mean). Last week we added that i am wash and shampoo Her in the shower in the mornings. She has also added nightly maintenance spankings to our bedtime routine (thank you my Lady!!!) to help us each remember our places in our dynamic. We have defiantly move away from just playing in the bedroom.

In the last few days Lee has started to do more online reading. She has joined fetlife and decided to start the blog. i think that Her becoming more involved in learning will be a tremendous benefit to Her so that She can find out more concretely what She likes/hopes to get from our D/s dynamic. i think it has also overwhelmed Her.

She has said that she doesn’t want a 24/7 D/s relationship. i think that She doesn’t understand that just because we are 24/7 doesn’t mean that we cant still be open to expressing our love and affection toward each other. i don’t think she really understands the difference between a Domme and a Master or that we can create our own dynamic to suit us. i had asked her to come up with rules for our relationship so that i could find out what She is interested in pursuing, when to call Her by Her formal name and generally find out where She’s at.

i’m stalling… the reason that i am writing this post is because i was a bad girl. Yesterday afternoon we went to see a Christmas tree exhibit. On the bus on the way there, i mentioned to Lee that i wanted to play later once we got home. She told me that there was a good possibility for that to happen. It had been over a week since we have played and i was craving a beating. i was excited to say the least. Once we got back home from looking at the beautiful trees we both went on our computers for a while. Lee had offered to make dinner that night but I knew that she was involved in her reading and i didn’t want her be interrupted so i did the prep work for Her. i suggested to Lee that She read the rules set out on a slave’s blog that i have been reading as they are clearly ogranized and quite thorough. i didn’t mean for them to be applied to our dynamic as is (firstly, she is a slave and i don’t consider myself to be one and secondly, she is a mother so they have rules that just wouldn’t apply to us as we don’t have children-yet). So after dinner She read them. I think that Lee was struck by how strict their dynamic is and thought that (maybe, i‘m just guessing here) that was how i wanted ours to be. She started getting emotional saying that she didn’t want to loose the true us and have a cold, distant relationship. I think that we hadn’t been communicating very well on what each of us had been thinking our dynamic means for each of us individually and as a couple. i don’t want to sit in a corner waiting to be used for Her fancy. i don’t want to ask permission to kiss Her, touch Her, tell Her that i love Her. After we resolved the issue (i think it is one that is going to take more than one discussion to work out, part of the reason that i wanted Her to write up the rules in the first place was to open up that discussion) we went back to our computers. About an hour later i asked her if we were still going to play (it was getting late and if we were i figured we should get started). i knew there was a high probability that She was going to say no but i had wanted to so bad that i had to ask. i felt bad for asking, like i was ignoring what had happened. She said she didn’t feel like it anymore (i’m sure that if i was in Her shoes i would have felt the same way) but i couldn’t help but be disappointed. i had been looking forward to playing all afternoon, i wanted it so bad. i tried my best not to be a poutey, sulkey, brat. i got up and puttered around the apartment so Lee wouldn’t see my disappointment and feel guilty about saying no (She’s still learning how to say no don’t forget). i kept telling myself that it is Her choice, Her decision, this is what i want (Her making decisions for us). i just couldn’t shake it. Just after 10 (about an hour and a half later) she told me that it was time to get ready for bed, that She was wanted to read for a while in bed before sleeping. We got ready for bed (i got my spanking-thank you my Lady!!) but She could tell once we were settled that i was in a funk. She asked what was wrong and at first i told Her it was nothing but i decided i needed to be truthful and admitted how disappointed i had been with Her decision. She was obviously upset that She had disappointed me. We talked for a while, She reminded me that She makes decisions for a reasons and that i need to respect them (the decisions and reasons). i told her that i feel bad about disrespecting her authority and that i wish that i could control my thoughts better so that i would accept Her decisions without hesitation. She told me that i am to be patient with myself in my learning just as i am with Her in Her learning. We decided that writing about how i feel about being unable to control my thoughts would be my punishment for having “contrary thoughts”. i just want to be the best sub for Her and make her learning easier so she doesn’t have to worry about dealing with a brat.

To Lee,
i am so sorry that i made you feel guilty about your decision. i don’t want you to ever feel guilty about a decision you make again (unless it has serious negative consequences, but i don’t think You would do that, especially on purpose). Please accept this humble little girl’s deepest apologies. i swear to you that i will do everything i can to learn to accept your decisions without disappointment/resentment.

i also wanted to clarify what i want from our dynamic, how i see it running. Hopefully this will prevent another incident like last night. i think that the concept of a parent/child relationship is the best analogy i can think of to describe what i want. Your discipline, rules and domination are there because You love Your little girl and want to protect her, not micromanage her. A parent doesn’t tell their child when or how to use the toilet but may suggest before they go out for an extended time that they do before they leave home. A parent doesn’t tell their child what to wear on a day to day basis but on special occasions may. A parent doesn’t tell their child that they may not touch, kiss, hug, love their parent and also gives these things freely as well. A parent assigns chores/duties for their child to create structure and to teach skills not to avoid doing the tasks themselves. Punishment/disclipine given for breaking rules/not doing chores/not following commands is to reinforce structure and to show that disobedience is not tolerated at home so that this will be carried into the child’s broader life. i do not want to call You mommy, wear diapers, drink from bottles or anything infantile, please don’t get me wrong. i crave structure, order, expectations, lists and rules.

i expect that punishing me will be difficult for You. i don`t think that you are a “natural” sadist. It will not be something that either of us will enjoy or look forward to, but something that i think is necessary. As i mentioned last night, i think that for me a mix of physical punishment and a thought provoking task would be the best choice but i leave it up to you to ultimately decide what you think will help me learn the best.

i have been thinking a lot today, Lee, my Love, my Lady. As You will be able to tell as my other chores have been somewhat neglected so that i can fully reflect and describe how i feel. If you punish me for not doing my chores (which in a way I hope you will, not for my pleasure but to firmly establish that you won`t accept excuses), i will willingly accept it but i thought that it was important to spend my energy on writing this.