Conflicting Views

I have been quite silent on this blog so far; not knowing what to say...or more accurately not knowing how to express my feelings openly on here without feeling completely lacking in the domme department, so I have tried to just tuck them neatly away in the dark corners of my mind and spill them now and then to my elle. I find it getting harder though as time passes to continue this way and so finally I break my silence. Yesterday was a rough day.

I came home from a long, rather hectic day at work and all I wanted was to take elle into my arms and hold her against me, kiss her and just relax in her presence. However, when I arrived home she was not waiting at the door for me, nor were the dishes done or any of her chores for that matter, and she was fast asleep on the couch. My heart melted when I saw her curled up with the cat and my first thought wasn't about her undone chores, but was whether she was feeling alright - migraine, sick, etc.

I know as a domme many would probably say I should have shaken her awake, told her how she disappointed me for not doing her chores and dolled out her punishment right then. No excuses. But I am a soft, new domme that some of those more hardcore dommes and masters might call just a top or weak because instead I kissed her gently awake and contiued kissing her face for a few moments. I asked her a few questions on whether she was fine and determined that she was, she had just fallen asleep while reading. She questioned if I was mad that nothing had been done and quite honestly I wasn't.

I'm not very quick to get mad and I knew she would be beating herself up for not having done her chores so I didn't want to add to her distress. We have rules and punishments for breaking those rules but I am not good, yet, when it comes to punishing elle. When I told her she wouldn't be punished she was not happy and talked back, so for that I did mildly punish her by having her hold a penny to the wall for ten minutes with her nose.

She cried throughout those ten minutes and I found it increasingly harder not to go to her and find out why. After the ten minutes I did go to her and tried to talk to her but this only resulted in her taking her collar off and dropping it in my lap. She felt by not being punished for the chores, I didn't care enough about her. This and removing my mark really hurt. We have an amazing relationship that I am so thankful to have and in the last month or so we have brought 24/7 D/s into the picture. I am still learning my side of this lifestyle and we both know that I am not a born domme, so when she did this I was then the one to get really upset. For a moment there she may as well have removed her engagement ring and given it back to me.

I am taking slowly to the action side on my role but I am emotionally involved completely. It is such an incredible feeling to know she is that committed to me to wear my mark and want to service me in everyway, hearing her call me Madam Lee or say that I own her, is very intense and sometimes overwhelming. So to have her show how hurt she was by my lack of disipline by removing that symbol that I am so emotionally attached to was really hurtful too. I felt like I had failed her, but I don't know exactly how to become the ideal domme.

In previous relationships, I have always been a pushover and was so dedicated and loyal to a fault that I was just walked all over. Being with my exes it was never about me or what I wanted, I was the one running around doing everything I was told to keep the peace and now here I am with a most amazing woman that chooses herself to do everything for me out of love and dedication. I think I have out-of-whack views on the roles we both have because of my past and they are hard views to break from.

As the one with the power, I know it previously as the role that is demanding because of ones own laziness and sense of self entitlement. This person wants everyone to bow down to them, do everything from get them a drink to pay for huge expenses and give nothing in return.

As the one doing the serving, I know it previously as the role that is taken advantage of, that becomes like a puppy that keeps getting kicked and going back for more, that is not happy but won't speak up because they are being manipulated into thinking there is something in it for them and life is easier if not happier if they just go along.

I am stuck on these ideas. I don't want to come across as a big asshole that is just making demands of the woman that I love and expecting it to be done. I don't want her to beat herself up for disappointing me. And I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she actually enjoys her role and it is nothing like being the doormat/kicked puppy from my past. she acually wants to do this for me...out of love...she enjoys it??? Come on brain, catch up here!

I need to figure out how to bring my thinking around to our dynamic in these roles and forget about the past. I care so much about elle I hate her thinking the areas in which I lack are any indication of how I feel towards her or TTWD. I love you so much elle!