Am i Leather?

This is a question that has been swirling around in my head for some time now. But how does one “figure out” if they are Leather? Read books, listen to other people talk about why they identify as Leather and look inwards are the main suggestions i’ve always heard.

To be honest, i have not read any books specifically about the Leather lifestyle/culture but i have read quite a bit online on Fetlife and other websites such as Leatherati.com as well as personal blogs. i did read a book that was the journal of a Leather Woman early in my kink exploration days. At the time though, Leather wasn’t even on the radar so maybe i should re-read it.

i don’t know a lot of people who identify as Leather that i can talk to about why they have chosen to identify as Leather. i have listened to a number of podcasts about Leather identity, culture, etc. which has been only marginally helpful at best. The reading that i’ve done i think is a bit of a substitute for the face to face that i’m missing but i would love to have more of it. Talking about Leather, the small amount that i have done, has been enjoyable and enlightening.

A lot of the big ideas in Leather, honor, respect, service, obedience, community, living truthfully/authentically and striving for growth are all things that Lee and i have been including in the contract that we have been writing. Looking inwards, i truly enjoy the structure and protocol associated with Leather. This is how i live my life and the basis of my relationship with Lee rather than just some simple kinky sexy fun times. We practice what we preach and live our M/s authentically. When we give a talk for MAsT, it is our true selves we are sharing with our community. That is another quality that i love about Leather lifestyle- the community idea- having a family of Leather kin that you could turn to for help with nearly anything, kinky or vanilla. Service is a big part of Leather, which i also agree with. Both Lee and i agree that giving back to the community is important both for the greater good and for our relationship.

This past weekend we were fortunate enough to host friends of ours who are also an M/s couple and identify as Leather. They are so similar to Lee and i it is almost scary. Having them here gave me a small glimpse of what i imagine having a family could be like. It felt good to be able to express our M/s openly and freely and know that they not only accepted it but embrace it and in a way encourage it. Kind of like when company’s around, you’re on your best behavior. Not that we were faking, just operating at a slightly higher level of protocol for some things than we typically do when we are at home i guess is what i mean.

i think what i waiting for is a lightbulb moment. i’m waiting for something to happen that will definitively tell me that yes i am Leather or no i’m not. Not sure what that would be.  

i’m sure there will be more thoughts on the subject but that is all for now!

A few thoughts on TPE that are swirling around in my head

TPE, total power exchange, is the foundation of my relationship with Lee. Master and slave are our chosen positions within our relationship. Lee is always in charge no matter what the situation. She has final say in all aspects of our relationship. This includes our “vanilla” life stuff too. We planned it that way because i am impulsive; i tend to act or speak first then think after, especially when i’m tired, stressed/under pressure or mentally unwell. It works for us.

i like our relationship like this. i love the structure that having rules gives. i love the feeling of caring that i get from Master when She pushes me on things. i know that my Master can make decisions for me/us and i am safe, unlike if i were calling the shots. When i call the shots, i do things like eat too much, yell at strangers and hurt myself. i feel a sense of comfort knowing that Lee is in charge. Her decisions may not always be 100% right but they are at least as good as or better than whatever i would have done.

Lee and i have been talking about the concept of putting aside your roles to work out a problem. We both agree that the idea is not for us. When we have a big problem that needs to be worked out we do not step out of our M/s roles and become egalitarian. Why would we do that, when i/we’d have to face the consequences once we are “back in our roles?” We live our M/s 24/7 and i consider stepping out of our dynamic to go against the idea of that, just in the simple fact that it then means you’re not 24/7; you’re 24/7 minus the time outs. i can respectfully tell Lee that something is wrong any time i need to, so long as i’m respectful and it’s not an inappropriate time.

Update from last post

Thank you to those who given me their kind words of support and encouragement. This week has been better. i imagine having started therapy, the medication onboard and less work stress all contributing. i fully disclosed my relationship with Lee and my psychologist, whom i will refer to as Dr. M, is totally cool with it and is even doing some of his own research to further understand kink as i’m his first client that is into it. i kind of get the feeling that he is maybe personally interested from a few of his reactions/responses. Dr. M has gotten Lee’s approval already for recommending an addition to one of our rules to make it clearer.

For some strange reason my calendar is very busy right now even though i should have more time with working less, i've been busy every evening since Monday; tonight (Thursday) i am hosting the Winnipeg Submissives Network, a group i started back in the spring, and then i have stuff going every evening until next Friday! (work and social)

i just wanted to take a minute to give you a quick update and give my thanks, i’ll try to write more soon.

A few quick thoughts on my mental health

I haven’t been doing well lately. my mental health has taken a drastic nose dive. Back in the spring when Master and i decided that we were going to stop trying to have a baby i was doing well. The shit scared-ness of the idea of becoming a parent and the very real threat of postpartum depression was removed, i was relieved. After a short while my mental health fluctuated as i was feeling so many conflicting feelings, guilt primarily. We ended up changing our minds and decided to try once more after a few months of discussion. Enter Fall From Grace and my life affirming experience. i even managed to make it through the news that our sperm had to be returned to the sperm bank and the decision that Lee and i made to call it quits on the baby-making front. But that life affirmed feeling FFG gave me quickly fell off and i began to circle the drain. It began to affect my job and i have gained a significant amount of weight over the summer and fall but primarily since FFG which was August long weekend. Lee and i have hardly played and when we do i can’t take nearly as much pain if it’s not cathartic.

i have taken a temporary reduction in my hours at work and my MD has started me on an another medication on top of the one i’m currently on. i have also started seeing a psychologist with whom i will be doing an intensive group therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy which is basically CBT (cognitive based therapy not cock and balls torture!) with a mindfulness component. It starts next month but the problem is that they hold the group class in a room that is used for a lot of prenatal classes and such so i’m slightly concerned that it will be triggering for me to be in there.

Master and i have been looking at tightening up some of our rules a bit more to help with structure in my life too. i mentioned to Her the other day that i’d like it if we could work on position training again. i think having the positions to work on would help ground/reconnect me on when She’s not home by incorporating it into my day.

Struggling with depression takes all of the drive out of you. You have no desire to do anything; you don’t care what happens around you. Struggling with borderline personality disorder means my emotions are unstable, i’m impulsive and my reactions can be wildly out of proportion.

Lee bears the brunt of my outbursts. She knows that when it happens there is very little that can be done and nothing She will say or do will ever be right but She stays with me and loves me and owns me in spite of all that. She is an amazing and strong woman. Sometimes i wonder if She’s not the crazy one for staying aboard the crazy ride that is elle.

Waterboarding may have just save my life....

NOTE:  i wrote this right after the last post but never published it. i'm not going to reread it or i will start editing it and i want it to remain my original feelings so i apologize if it's not the easiest to read.

So on with the show: Waterboarding may have just save my life....

....And, well, our car breaking down probably contributed too.

That is about the craziest thing that i have ever said and may ever say. Hear me out though.

Backstory...
If you've read much of the blog you know i have chronic depression as well as other stuff. i've talked about it before but short story is i've had depression and borderline personality disorder for over half my life now. i've attempted suicide more than once and been hospitalized about half a dozen times (mostly just short stays). i haven't been actively suicidal for many years now but i still often have days where i wish i would just disappear. i've have told Master before that i were to become ill in a way that could kill me (for example, cancer) i would just let it run it's course and take me though.

Onwards...
Our fourth wedding anniversary was two weekends ago now. We went camping at a provincial park in Ontario about 3 hours from home and had a great time. About an hour and a bit outside the city on our way home the fuel pump in our car suddenly died while i was driving. We were very lucky that it happened where it did because i lost power, which meant no steering or brakes once the engine stopped getting fuel. Had it died about 15-20 minutes earlier the highway that we were on would have been much more dangerous (cliffs and lakes= dangerous place not to be able to stop or direct your car) and rather than a tow truck it could have been an ambulance or hearse picking us up.

Car fixed and off we go to Fall from Grace Friday evening. Saturday afternoon we watched a water torture demo. Afterwards we were talking to the guy who did the demo and i mentioned that i was really interested in trying waterboarding so he offered to do it with Lee. He already had two other people that he was going to do so i had a bit of time to stew in my thoughts. i missed the first one as i went for a walk but watched the person before me, i was nervous but not too scared.

When it was my turn my hands were handcuffed i was tied to a coffee table with my arms overhead one end and my bound feet at the other end. A third person straddled across my midsection to hold me down. The the demo guy held one of Lee's shirts over my face and Master poured a bucket of ice cold water, quarter of a bucket at a time, over my face. She'd pour some, the shirt would be removed, they'd give me a few breaths then do it again. It was one of the scariest feeling that i think i've ever had. immediately after i was probably "suffering from" some sub space energy but i felt happy and grateful to be alive and i felt so full of love for both Her and life in general.  After the subspace wore off and i thought a bit about it i wasn't too sure if i liked it. It's dangerous and kinda scared me. Sunday i watched someone else have it done and at that moment i realized that i loved it cause i was envious of the guy that was being waterboarded.

i have told Mater before that there have been times in our play that She stops just before it gets really intense, that i wish She would push a bit further and make me go to that uncomfortable and sometimes scary place and that's exactly what it felt like and more being waterboarded. The last time they put the cloth back over my head, the guy who was holding it down stood in a way in which i couldn't easily clap (which was my "safeword") and that terrified me almost more than the fear of drowning itself.

In the days following i have had more time to process my thoughts and feelings. Add the close call with the car to the waterboarding and you get one very introspective elle. As i explained to Master, doing the waterboarding made me realize something very valuable. i fought to live, i struggled with every ounce of energy i had to LIVE.With my depression there have been many times where i hoped i would die, begged to die and have actively tried to end my own life so for me struggling and fighting to live has made me really think. i half jokingly told Master that if my depression starts to get bad again to waterboard me and i will feel better instantly.

i'm still processing all of my feeling and we have other big things going on in our lives right now that i don't think i will talk about today

i ended up with a fairly large bruise on my forearm from banging my arms on the table trying to get free and the handcuffs bruised my wrists a bit too. We have documented the bruise as i am considering seeing about getting a tattoo done of it as a lasting reminder that there was a moment where i fought to live, once i can figure out how i would explain that to the vanilla folks in my life.

Fall From Grace Weekend Review

Master and i went to Fall From Grace this past weekend. For those who don't know, it's a local kinky camping event. We had such a great time. We had a bunch wonderful new experiences and Master learned a few new tricks and got a few new toys to add to Her goodie bag!

Friday evening was busy. i don't think i retained much from the demo on asphyxiation that evening. We arrived just as things were getting started so after the demo then we had to go set up camp for the weekend. Not much exciting for me to report, i'll let Lee tell you about what She did.

Saturday was a blast- we sat around like kids at camp and had crafts time, except that we made floggers instead of the stuff kids make! Then it was the water torture demo. i'm writing a separate post about that event so if you want to know more read it. The fireside chat that evening got rained out, which was too bad cause i was interested in hearing other people's perspectives on the topic, Love and SM. Hung out in the dungeon for a bit and watched a few scenes while it rained then went back to sit by the fire again after the rain stopped and with a big group of people on a whole variety of topics.

Sunday was great too. In the afternoon we watched a stapling demo and Lee got to try that out on the demo bottom (for sterility reasons the staplers can't be shared and thus not tried on anyone else). Again, i will let Master share Her own thoughts and feelings on the experience. i think it could be a fun way to do temporary chastity piercings.

Later that day a friend showed Master how to do some basic needle play. i've been curious about needle play for years. About four years ago at a fetish night at the local gay bar where we were living i had 4 needles put in my chest at a demo station. While the needles felt good it was very clinical feeling. Ever since then i have wanted Master to try so it was great for Her to finally have a chance to learn. She did a button of three on one side of my chest while our friend did the same on the other side as well as one on my sternum. He tried to do one through my breast just under my nipple but that was hurting a bit too much so that didn't happen this time. Then he walked Lee through doing some on my labia, which She did two there. i'm surprised how relaxed and comfortable i felt. Lee played with me a bit after the needles were in and it was a delicious feeling and from what i could tell it looked like Master enjoyed Herself as well. We kept half the box of needles so that's a good sign that they will be added to the play repertoire. Yay for me!!

Monday was the wrap up- the organizers of the event sat down with those people who were still around to ask their opinions of the weekend-what worked, what didn't etc. i think that was a great idea and i'm sure helps ensure that people have a good time and come back. i also engaged in some non consensual play with one of the tent pegs from our friends' tent. i caught it between my second and third toes on the right foot and ended up with a bruise on my foot and a cut between my toes. It was not pleasant but luckily it was at the end of the weekend rather than the beginning.

Master and i had two rough body play scenes over the weekend, both in the middle of the field where some of the tents were set up. The first one was on Saturday early in the night while most of the other campers were at a bastinado demo. After dinner we went for a walk to the creek that was close to us but it started to storm and the lightening was getting closer so we headed back. i'm not sure exactly what happened but just as we're getting close to the tent Master starts beating on me. She used her fists, feet, knees, and any other part of Her body that She could. The rain was spitting a bit and the cold water felt both wonderful and torturous at the same time. It also made the grass slippery so i ended up on the ground quite a bit. i don't know how long it went on for (20ish minutes?) but seemed to have ended as organically as it started.

The second one was before the needles on Sunday afternoon. Again, not too sure exactly how this one happened but i kinda think i might have egged Her on a bit. That time She went and grabbed Her toy bag and also used Thumper (it's a rope ball at the one end and the rope loops at the other-i assume for it's for throwing? It feels like a fist when Master hits me with it that's all that matters!!), The Mother Fucker (a short thick heavy rubber impact implement that is both thuddy and stingy at the same time and hurts like... a mother fucker) and a thick cane that we got at FFG from NoirLuna. Between the two scenes i ended up with some delightful bruises, mostly on my one arm but there are a few on my other arm, my shoulders, ass and thighs. A picture of the bruise on my right arm is on my fetlife profile.

i'm sure i'm forgetting stuff and maybe when Lee gets around to writing Her version of events She will fill in blanks for me. All in all we had a fantastic time and are already looking forward to next year.

A Big Decision

Changes are coming in spades at the moment it seems. Earlier this week a rather monumental decision was made. As you all know, we have been trying for the past two years to have a baby. There has been a lot of hope attached to the process and a lot of stress, frustration and fear. Stress of will this be the month to try? If we try will it work? Frustration with the clinic wasting so much of our time as we wait for appointments that they are an hour late for and again the planets not aligning to allow us to try. And fear of what happens if it works. What will change? What will we lose? How much will we struggle financially? How will mental health be affected?

PXS was an amazing experience for us. (Don't worry I'm not actually changing the topic.) We had never been on a real holiday together and having nearly a week where the full focus was pretty much on our Power Exchange was quite an eye opener. The workshops were great, the people wonderful, the realization that we have come so far in the last year and half a high note and then the drop came with the realization it could be many, many years before we are able to go to such a thing again if in the next year we have a baby.

If we have a baby the spontaneous evening of play, pain, fuck, dinner, play, pain, fuck, cake would not be able to happen like that again. We can't ignore our child for hours on end as I make my slave scream in delicious pain and not expect Child and Family Servies to come knocking. Hell it was enough to realize right before the end of a great, kind of loud scene and about ten seconds away from elle orgasming that a police car was sitting in front of our house, lights flashing. Luckily they hadn't come to take me away for beating my slave, but it was still a mood killer. Change that to a baby screaming while elle is screaming and CFS pounding on the door. Play would be out and since a lot of our sex is pretty rough that would be limited too.

Our dynamic has become the foundation for our marriage and we both fear how the addition of a child would affect and change that. Neither of us want the strain on our relationship that would come with very limited ability to continue the rules and protocols that we have while little eyes and ears were around, very limited play, inability to attend conferences out of town, and even just a strain to continue our commitment and dedication to MAsT: Winnipeg.

Not only is the affect to our dynamic of concern because of the fun times but it really helps balance elle's mental health. I'm not just saying we don't want to sacrifice some playtime or change how elle serves me coffee, but it is the structure and release that our dynamic gives to elle that really helps her. After coming back from PXS we both had drop, elle's was quite difficult and took some time to fully come out of. It seemed to be so hard for her in part because she was scared that with daily life and responsibilities back in the picture we would lose some of what we had gained while away. Even just the thought sent her spinning.

We have learned pretty well over the years what makes her mental health worse and what helps. Lack of sleep is not good. One day is manageable but if they start stacking up we both know where that road leads, so we do our best to not let that happen. She has a doctor's note at work so they can't mandate her and really fuck up her sleep; she has a bedtime that we are fairly good at sticking with; I don't have her get up with me in the morning when I think sleep would be more important. It helps. A good sleep for her is probably one of the most effective ways to keep her in a good place. How then would a baby that doesn't sleep through the night for what could be years affect her night after night.

I know sometimes that elle just needs me to back off and give her space; I know that when she is in that place there are sometimes hurtful words and actions that she is not in control of; I know that at that time she needs to see that I'm not going to abandon her; and, I know when she comes back down she needs me more than ever to tell her how much I love her and her home is always with me. Yep, I know all of this. A baby, knows none. A toddler, knows none. A teenager, well that's when we would send them off to boarding school or sell them for medical experiments because they think they know everything.

elle needs peace, structure and to give up control to stay balanced. I need peace, structure and to have control to keep our life balanced. Having a baby would be like adding a ten pound weight to a scale that has feathers on the other side.

If you haven't figured it out yet, we have decided to stop trying to have a baby. Since this decision was made we have both said how much lighter we feel.

Don't get me wrong, before and throughout the process we have both very much wanted a child. I'm sure there will always be a bit of that want left in us. We were trying because we had the best of intentions and had it happened a year ago when we were just starting to really get our M/s feet under us then we would have been thrilled. Now that our M/s is so strong we feel we can't have both. We had to choose and M/s with all of the things that that encompasses for us, is the choice we've made. If we felt we could have both we would. I know this is the right decision for us though.