Some days i wish i still had sub frenzy. For me it wasn't just that i wanted to try everything kinky all at once, i also had way more drive to completely submit. No bratty attitude, no talking back, no excuses, i did what was expected of me and then some. But it's gone and wishing won’t bring it back. i don’t really think i want it back to be honest. i just want to be a “good sub” and loose the attitude that i have, for some unknown reason, seemed to have picked up recently.
Ok so it’s not entirely unknown. i have always been very strong willed. i am the first born and a Capricorn. my last girlfriend was very emotionally walled in and often the only way to reach her was by manipulating her and/or the situation. i am used to being in control, leading. i can be very rigid once i have decided on something. All qualities that are probably not the best for someone who wants to be a submissive. Now, i realize that there are all types, oh please, i know. But there are some general qualities that most subs possess and that i want to as well. i guess that’s it, i want to be more submissive, and not just with Lee but in life in general. i have caught myself in work and personal situations being bossy and i don’t like it one bit.
Alright, on to the problem at hand. i have been quite mouthy lately and no matter what i do to try to stop it, i just seem to be getting worse. For example, i haven't been showering with Lee as much for the last few weeks a few reasons. So the other day I did finally have a shower with her. We both were hoping that Her marking me would help put me back into the headspace. It did- until i finished washing Lee and started washed myself, thereby ridding myself of Her physical mark, so all of about two minutes!! The brattiness was back before we even got out of the shower!! L
A lot of time when i am being mouthy i’m making some sort of joke about Her dominance, which i’m sure is not helpful at all at in instilling confidence in Her or re-assuring Her that i want Her to be my Domme. It starts as a joking but i usually take it too far, i just don’t know where the line is between joking around and being a brat.
I’ve seen other subs posting on FetLife asking for help with this exact issue and the responses they get are mostly along the lines of think before you speak and/or keep a marble (or some similar object) in your mouth. I don’t know how useful the think before you speak suggestion is for me cause i tend to shoot off before i think, it’s generally not that i decide to talk back, etc (at least at first then usually i continue cause i don’t get told to stop/shut up/etc the first time and continue until Madam does tell me to do so). As for the marble idea, well, i would be worried about choking.
When we were making up my rules Madam was adamant about not having a rule to prevent me from speaking freely, She wanted me to be able to say what i wanted when i wanted, except when directly in service. I’m starting to wonder if that’s the best choice right now. I don’t want to dictate the rules to Her (to me that screams topping from the bottom, even though Madam and i made the majority of the original rules together) but i think i may need tighter rules on my ability to speak. Maybe rules, enforced rules with serious punishments for infractions will help train me to stop saying things that i shouldn’t. i understand that the reason that the rule wasn’t put in place was because Lee didn’t want me to become a different person all together or feel like i couldn‘t say something that i thought needed to be said. I get that and i don’t want to change who i am fundamentally, i just want to change this aspect.
Sometimes i feel like She just expects me to train myself. i want to be what She wants me to be but so far i have very little idea what that actually entails. i want to be the sub She moulds me into being. Everything about my submission right now is generic, i feel like it has come out of a one size fits all submissive kit. Maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but i don’t really feel like i’m Lee’s sub any more than a sub, except that we had/have a romantic relationship aside from the D/s. If it weren’t for our history i think that i probably would have gotten even more frustrated at the lack of control. i would start to wonder why i was even there, why does She have a sub if She isn’t wanting to make me into Her sub. i'm feeling a lack of HER ownership. Does She want me to be Her sub or a sub? Shall i continue to be a generic, out of the box, no personalizations sub indefinitely? How can one feel like their Madam/Master/etc’s sub when they haven’t received any real guidance as to what that should look like? Maybe i’m being overly dramatic, overly demanding, it was my idea to do this in the first place. i should accept that this is a process, she is learning Herself. How can She teach me what to be when She doesn’t even know what She wants?
But She is the one who is supposedly in charge. i need Her to stop allowing me to dish out the shit that i have been and start demanding that i comply. i need consequences for my actions.
Or maybe, just maybe i need to stop being so needy. i need to think more about what Madam needs and less about what i need. Maybe that’ll solve the problem.
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