Life and More Bitching

This was written on Thursday evening and i hadn't decided at the time if i would post it. Lee insisted that i do so here it is.

Oh and another thing before i do post it. i want to make something clear. i write more when i'm upset rather than when i'm happy and feeling good. i think this is common amongst journallers but because of this it appears that Lee isn't "living up to being a good Domme". i would like everyone to know right now once and for all, She most definitely is, as well as a good (future) wife and partner. She is on a very steep upward climb right now and i fail to remember that sometimes.

One final note. I haven't written much about my personal life outside of kink. This post was supposed to be about my career and it just kinda morphed into me bitching (once again :( i'm sorry) about how i feel about Madam's domination of me. i am a nurse, an LPN to be exact. i have wanted to be a nurse since i was a little girl. i was a Candystriper (youth hospital volunteer) all through high school. i dreamed of working in the busiest, most intense units, doing the most challenging gory work possible. i graduated from college in September and have been looking for a job only occasionally as i have been enjoying being a housewife/stay at home sub for Madam.

So without further ado here is the post (just a reminder it was written on Thursday late afternoon/evening):

A few hours ago i got offered a job. It’s not my dream job but it’s a nursing job so it’s a step in the right direction. So why am i sitting here with tears running down my face? Why am i not happy, relieved that i will be able to help pay our bills and otherwise lessen the burden of financially supporting us that i have been putting Madam under for the last 6 months?

But no, i sit here so unmotivated that i can’t do anything but cry. i texted Madam telling Her how i feel but Her responses didn’t help any, in fact I’d say they almost did the opposite. She told me to remember the reward of play (if i do all my chores satisfactorily three days in a row we have some sort of play) but at this moment i couldn’t care less about it. i wish i could get up off the couch and do my chores and all the other stuff i had planned for today but my body feels like lead.

Madam just phoned cause i told Her that i was crying. i could tell that She was trying to make me feel better but it didn’t really work. i apologized for saying that i didn’t care. She has relieved me of my chores for the day which makes me feel even worse cause i feel like i’ve let Her down and need to be treated like some fragile porcelain doll.

i want this job but i don’t at the same time. i want to be in a hospital, using all the skills that i learned in school. At a nursing home i will basically be giving out meds pretty much all day long. Exactly what i didn’t want to do. And now i’m going to be travelling over an hour each way on the bus to do it!! But i should be thankful that i have a job, right? i mean a nursing job. i could be working at Starbucks like so many other college/university educated folk are.

i don’t want to work in a fucking nursing home!!!! i said that about my final placement in school (acute rehab) and ended up loving it though so I’m hoping that it’ll end up that i at least like it and can tolerate it for a while for the money. i also hope that it will boost my confidence in looking for more positions.

The other day i had a thought. What about offering my nursing skills to kinksters? i don’t know how many would need real nursing services but since i am kinky as well, if someone needed home nursing i would be able to provide my services and they wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like they had to put away the toys or avoid mentioning their questions about when they can resume playing safely and such.

Madam wants me to have a bath ready for Her when She gets home from work. She wants to cuddle and be able to talk while we relax. Part of me wants that while another part of me wants Her to punish me for not doing anything today. i thirive on routine and structure, when i feel like i do today and let that all fall by the wayside it would be nice to have Her show that She cares about it too. i think that if She had told me that if i didn’t do my chores, or at least some of them that She would be disappointed, upset with me, etc. that would have made me feel guilty about flaking out enough to get my ass in gear. And if She were to punish me for not doing them when She gets home then maybe next time i’m feeling like this i’ll remember the punishment that i received and that will help motivate me then. Also, as i said i thrive on structure and routine and having Her reinforce that would help show me that She cares about what i deep down really care about. There is a part of me that had wanted Her to empathize with how I’m feeling but say something along the lines of “it’s in your and our best interest to maintain your routine. I want you to clean the litter box and sweep right now and text me in five minutes when they are done”. i know She doesn’t like to push me but sometimes i turn to Her hoping to get the push i need to get my ass moving. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten it though. Sometimes i wish She would give me some “tough love”.

i realize that if the dishes don’t get done, the litter boxes don’t get scooped out or the floors don’t get swept that the world isn’t going to crumble but now tomorrow I’m going to have extra chores (on top of daily ones i have semi weekly, weekly, biweekly and monthly ones scheduled for various days). For example, on top of the daily chores i was supposed to vacuum, blog and clean the bathroom, except the tub. Tomorrow’s extra chores are to empty the recycling, wash the hall and bathroom floors, find and recite a reading and tidy the coat/storage closet. i also need to make some lunches for the freezer and bake some muffins. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Let’s just hope i don’t feel this way again, in fact i need to feel about the exact opposite.