Letting Go

i am a very dominant person, submission does not come naturally for me. The reason that Lee and i chose to have a 24/7 relationship was to try to balance the power in our relationship. i am a control freak to the max. i get pushy when i want my way. When i’m asked to do something, not just by Lee, i need a reason (and because i said so doesn’t cut it for me). i am a very logical step-by-step kinda gal and if i think that what you’re telling me, asking me to do, etc is bullshit then i will call you on it. And i don’t have a very good filter so i too often say what i’m thinking before i can stop to think if it’s a good idea to do so.

i keep thinking that maybe i’m in the wrong role, that i should be the Domme. But then i start thinking about all the things that i would miss. i honestly do enjoy the service, the pleasure of seeing Lee happy to come home to a clean apartment, dinner and an eager mouth waiting to be filled with Her taste. i love making Her life easier and more enjoyable.

Most of my sexual fantasies have always been about being taken, used, forced, hard rough sex. And that’s why i first started looking into BDSM stuff. i very rarely crave soft sensual romantic sex. For me the harder, the dirtier, the more “abusive” the better. Grab me by a fist full of my hair, shove me to my knees and tell me to obey and i will wet my panties. i don’t for one second doubt that i am at the very least a sexual submissive and somewhat of a masochist.

Oh i don’t know. And worse i don’t know how find out. Lee and i have talked about trying out switching roles but i don’t know that that would give us me a good idea unless it went for a while, a month or more maybe even. We’d have to keep it up until the frenzy/newness of it wore off. I’ve contemplated the idea that i might be a masochistic/bottom Domme but then i go back to the whole service.

i think what it is that i need a strong heavy handed Domme to take my control/power/need to be right away. Someone who won’t let me get away with the things i have been doing lately, someone who’ll say you will obey or you will be sorry.

Well, i have to go finish my chores and get dinner started so i think I’m going to leave it here. If anyone has any advise they can offer to help i’d be ever so grateful