On Perfection and Procrastination

How does one stay motivated? Some days i feel like just saying fuck it all and not do anything.

My problem is that i start off full of steam and put all my effort into a task, project, etc. Then something happens, things get tough, i hit a rough patch, i wear myself out, or some other thing gets in the way. And i loose it and it all starts to fall apart. i feel like if i cannot maintain that initial level of intensity that i’ve failed and begin to loose interest which only makes it harder to continue cause then i have to fight my way through the self-attacking of being a failure and/or force myself to do something i‘m not truly interested in doing. i give up, get stagnant, and for some reason that’s completely beyond me i start to sabotage the work on the task, project, etc. that i have done. This isn’t just in my relationship with Lee, it happens in my life in other ways, i’m pretty sure that’s why I’m still without a job for example.

The part i have the hardest time understanding is that i still want these things; i still want 24/7 with Lee and i want a job. But any time i have an opportunity to work on these things i make excuses as to why i can’t. i say that i want fewer days that i’m excused from doing my chores then when it comes down to doing the chores i find excuses as to why i didn’t get them done. Same with applying for jobs, going to the gym/yoga/pool and pretty much anything else that involves some degree of difficulty that doesn’t have an almost immediate pay-off. Last night i even made an excuse to get out of my punishment for not doing my chores!!

i know that many people would just say well suck it up and just do it but i’m not Nike.

i read a little while ago that procrastination is a symptom of perfectionism. i would say that i am very much a perfectionist. i always want things done a certain way, i even have a particular ways that most things get stored, towels, silverwear, dishes, clothing, ellie’s pencil crayons, books, movies…. you get the point. i now realize that the reason that i put things off is because i want them to be done just so and if they can’t be then i don’t want to do them until i can do it perfectly. i need to learn how to accept that i may not be able to get things exactly the way i had envisioned it but it still has to be done then.

i think i’m starting to make progress in that. Last week i did some of the mending that has been piling up. i had been waiting for a time that i could do it all but finally Lee said that She wanted me to at least hem one pair of pants so i did, and i did a few other small things that were in the pile. i only felt a bit guilty that i left some to do at a later date but that feeling was mixed with the feeling of accomplishment that i had gotten some of it done.