Work in Progress

I have been instructed to write this post.... I don't really have much to say on any particular topic... Lee suggested I write about what I think is bringing out my slavery more and how it feels to be in that mindset more. So I guess that's where I'll start. 

What is making it "easier" to be Lee's slave lately? To be honest, I don't really have an easy answer to that question. It definitely makes it easier when Lee is being more dominant. 

I think having other people that are in PE relationships around us has been a huge influence on why it's been easier for me to submit. Here's the deal. Up until recently Lee and I haven't had anyone who we have been close to that are also in a power exchange based relationship. We have met some amazing people thanks our local MAsT group. And because of MAsT and the people we have met through it, we have been so much more immersed in M/s. We have more frequent external.... reminders.... encouragement...reinforcement? i can't think of the right words to describe what I am thinking.  

You know how you tidy up the house a bit extra when you're having special company or when you're at a fancy restaurant you use better table manners? It's the same kind of thing. When we are with other M/s people, and to a lesser extent kinksters, I have found that we naturally use a slightly higher protocol. Plus, it's not like we can carry out some of our rules/protocols in front of just anybody. Getting down on my knees in front of Lee when it's just the two of us doesn't feel quite as exposing as when there are other people around. I don't know, am I alone on this or do other people feel like this too? Maybe it's because it's a rather new phenomenon for us?

So I think I covered the why part, so, I guess it's on to how does it make me feel. Well, I have talked about my struggle with mental health problems before but I don't think I have much recently. In the months leading up to now I have been getting more and more depressed (fairly seriously at times). I have been scared, no terrified, of the though of having a baby. I have been worried that if there are any complications with getting or staying pregnant that it will have serious negative consequences on me, which would obviously mean problems between Lee and I. Lee had even made an appointment with the doctor for me to talk about adjusting my meds. But I have been feeling so much better that She agreed to let me pause that talk. I feel more at peace right now than I have for a while. I feel like being Lee's slave has righted something in my head. Serving Her brings my mind and body a feeling of peace that I have never had before. 

Last night we had to go shopping after work. When we got home we were both tired. Luckily dinner was easy to make so Lee said She would do it. She told me to do the dishes. I wined that I was too tired and just wanted to go sit down. There weren't that many and they could wait till today was my thinking. Lee allowed me to get off with getting the coffee maker set for the morning for Her. While I did that She got dinner started. When She came back in from the bbq and I had started the dishes. She asked me why. I said that I had told myself that if there were few enough dishes to not worry about then it wouldn't take much to wash them and that since She had told me to do something, I should do it. I read on the Submissive Guide a bit ago something about obedience and how delayed obedience is still disobedience and partial obedience is complete disobedience. I have been thinking of that quite a bit lately and trying to work towards the goal of being more obedient cause I think there are times when I do fall into the delayed or partial obedience. I think that I'm doing better. Yes last night I delayed carrying out Lee's order, but I did end up doing it. It is a ongoing struggle, to be a better me, a better slave for my Sir. I am a work in progress.

Nature Need Nurture

So I was going to write a post about reactive and proactive service but since book study the other night I've been thinking about the whole nature versus nurture when it comes to this lifestyle. Am I born dominant or is our life together creating this person? I have read many times other Doms' thoughts on this topic and each time they say you MUST be born a Dom or you aren't a REAL Dom I fight against it; I get frustrated and angry and unfortunately start to question my realness.

I don’t feel I was born with a dominant personality. Growing up, I always put the happiness of others first, going even back to the days when my siblings and I (I'm the youngest) were young enough to get excited over the silly little prizes that come in cereal boxes. My mom would put them away until there were enough for us to choose between. If I wanted one that either of them wanted, I would let them have it. I've always shied away from conflict by giving others what they wanted, even when I didn’t want to or really didn't have the money to, I would give in. I'd buy them the ridiculous guitar they were never going to play, or take them on a weekend getaway though they weren't working and the bills were barely getting paid. I'm pretty sure for many years I had a welcome sign taped to my back that people used to wipe their muddy shoes on. 

My mom raised us on her own since I was two, when my dad was killed in a trucking accident. I don’t think she ever fully dealt with her grief and suddenly having three kids under 7 to raise alone must have been terrifying to say the least. She was a strong mother in that she managed with the cards she was dealt and raised us on her own and we all turned out to be pretty good people, with a few minor hiccups along the way. However, she is nervous, self conscious, and lacking in independence - odd since she has lived either with us or alone for the passed...holy fuck! thirty years this June! - you would think some independence would grow from that. 

I think I fashioned myself after my mother in that way, and until four years and four months ago when I met elle those traits were the ones that were nurtured along either from unconscious copying as a child to ex-partners using them for their benefit. It wasn’t until my relationship with elle that other buried traits were slowly but surely identified. Her love, trust and belief in me have slowly watered long dormant seeds of strength I didn't know were there. Instead of taking advantage of my long history of putting others first, she has asked of me to put myself first and to decide what is best for us. She has told me in many ways that I deserve to and it's ok to say no. She has shown me, especially in the last two weeks, that I can be more decisive and I can ask much more of her without my expectations of her to comply leading to conflict, quite the opposite actually. Having her thank me for making her stand back up or come back to the room because she has not had permission to sit or leave, gives me a bit of a heady, giddy feeling.

I feel myself becoming more confident and questioning less the more elle helps nurture these seeds of power and control by responding more quickly and eagerly to my needs and wants. I feel her committing more to her submission each time I take more and expect her to give more. In this, her submission is being nurtured too. She has a dominant personality but has very strong submissive traits that need nurturing as much as my dominance needs it.

So do I believe dominance is nature or nurture? Both actually. I am coming to the realization dominance is in me but I am not a dominant person without it being nurtured. We are born with many traits I think, but unless they are nurtured they aren't going to blossom. They will just remain unfertilized seeds hidden in the muck of our souls.

A Contract You Say?!?

We had a great talk last evening. We talked about the rules and I think that everything that I mentioned in yesterday's post will continue to happen (and restart for the ones that have fallen away). I will let Lee finish writing them up then post them. We didn't fully talk about the "if you don't follow the rule this is what will happen" part, that's more Her job than something we do together really.

After dinner we listened to a podcast together. We have been talking about doing this for quite a while now, Lee had even written into our rules that we would read/listen to M/s and PE stuff and talk about it last time She/we updated them. So we listened to the Approaching D/s as a Lifestyle episode from Erotic Awakening. The majority of what they were saying was more basic/beginner than where we are at but towards the end they talked about contracts. So our post podcast talk revolved around contracts. We have started talking about writing a contract recently. To be honest, in the beginning of our relationship I didn't see the need for one but the longer we are at this the more that I see how having a contract could be such a blessing to our M/s (oh and as a side note, Lee told me yesterday to use M/s instead of D/s because She thinks that it more accurately reflects our dynamic even though She doesn't call Herself a Master... More on that later...)

We aren't planning on writing up a contract any time soon. It's something that we both agree needs to have time to develop naturally without the pressure of time constraints. We made a list of some things we thought are important to include. Obviously other things may/will come up between the time the contract actually gets written and now but so far here's what we want to include. Our responsibilities to each other and our dynamic, a mission statement of sorts-something that will not only outline our M/s commitment and values but, also, if we have a child, our family values (I firmly believe that we are a family already, we don't need a child to be one. However, our M/s values are our current family values and if we don't end up having a child they will remain that way. But if we do have a child I'm sure that there are things that we will need to incorporate.) We also want to have a clearly defined renewal time. We will also include our rules and protocols that are already in place.

The biggest thing that we need to work on for the contract is to learn what are true needs and wants are. Although we didn't discuss that topic in too much detail I imagine that that will include both personal and relationship needs and wants. Lee had mentioned about including a goal but I said that I thought that the goal would be to have our needs and wants met and thinking about it now, a mission statement is a kind of a goal, isn't it?

Why do we want a contract? We didn't get much time to discuss this but the first and main reason is for the structure. I have come to view signing a contract as almost synonymous as signing a marriage license. It will be a monumentous  (sp?) occasion for us. At one point I asked Sir why if She felt it was important for us to have one for our M/s then why don't we have a marriage contract? Her reply was "Our marriage is M/s". Don't know why but hearing Her say that struck me pretty hard. Not that I had ever viewed our marriage as a separate entity from our M/s but hearing those words come from Her mouth made me realize that She believes that too I guess was part of why it hit me. I don't know why since our wedding vows have hints of our PE laced throughout them. Heck we even used our "scene names" during the wedding (which is what we use with each other and are, in truth, derived from our "real" names) except for the legal mumbo jumbo part.

While we were talking I was in tears a few times. Those who know me know that I am a bit of a waterworks case, so the fact that I was tearing up last night comes at no surprise. We both commented that we feel like we have such renewed hope for our future. I feel like Sir has changed. For a long time I could feel Her struggle with a role that She was not fully comfortable in. I don't see Her "playing" a role any more, She has really blossomed, for lack of a better word, into being a great Daddy Dom. She is now (at least from where I'm sitting) seems confident and sure in Her position as our leader in our PE. When I told Her that she seemed very happy. I also apologized for not telling Her how great She was this weekend, She kept telling me that I was being good but I never praised Her. So I told Sir that She had been a good girl too, which got a bit of a chuckle.

I feel like there is something else that I wanted to say but for the life of me I can't remember what that is now so I think I'm going to end this here. I have stuff I want to get done around the house so I'm off to do that now. 

Before I do leave though I want to ask, if you're reading this and have any tips for writing a contact please either leave us a note in the comments section or you could PM Lee or I on Fetlife (my profile)

A Turning Point

I think that Lee and I have turned a corner in re-establishing our D/s and even taking it to a whole new level. On Saturday we went tot he protocol dinner that our local MAsT group put on. We usually operate at a relatively low protocol and for fun wanted to amp it up for the dinner. To get into it even more Lee decided that we would start the higher protocol on Friday. The dinner was wonderful and getting to have a whole evening surrounded by others who are all not just kinky but into power exchange made the evening so special. On Sunday we talked about how we each thought the evening had gone. It was decided that since we both enjoyed the more formal protocol that we would keep it going. Sunday evening we had Easter dinner with the family so obviously it was much less overt but we still managed to keep it going. While getting ready for bed last night we decided that we are going to keep this level of protocol up.

We are going to talk more about it tonight once Lee gets home from work. I imagine we will institute a trial period then re-evaluate and either scrap them or make them part of our permanent set of rules. This could be/is a big moment for us. I am hopeful that this will make lasting changes in our relationship. I don't think that our rules page has been updated with our most current set of rules (I just checked and nope it sure isn't, I'll have to fix that or get Lee to since they are on Her computer) but what i foresee being added is the following: I must ask permission to leave Sir's presence, tell Her where I am going and ask if She wants anything while I'm away; Ask permission to sit when I am with Sir and; As much as possible I have to kneel in front of Her to present things (not sure if it's going to be just food like we have been doing so far or anything I give Her).

Also, Lee said last night that while I don't need specific permission to use the washroom right now I will in the future. I have been thinking (uh oh!) and have come up with a few modifications: I want to add a piece that limits my use of furniture while Lee is around and change the waiting for permission to eat rule to include that Sir should start the meal then invite me to eat with Her. I think we should also reinstate the sweets/treats and water consumption rules that we have let fall by the wayside because one of our current focuses is supposed to be on eating healthier.Neither of us have been the best with this one so those two rules would help meet that goal. But to be honest we haven't been doing so hot with any of our focuses for this month (they are speaking restrictions, eating healthier and morning text message). To be fair though we haven't had a situation come up recently that would require my to have my speech restricted, which is a good thing since that means that we haven't had any disagreements! I don't have an excuse for the eating healthier one though.

I have always thought that I would do better in a highly structured rules-based relationship. I don't think that Lee fully believed me until yesterday. She kept telling me, both yesterday and today, that I'm being such a good girl and remembering all of our new rules quite well. I can't even tell you how much I loved that. I don't think that there is much better on a slave's ears than praise for pleasing their Dom.

Daddy has called me Her slave for some time now. In the beginning of our D/s relationship I did not think of myself as a slave. I don't really have the time right now to get into my opinion of sub vs. slave except to say that my opinion is mostly based around 24/7 power exchange and is very different than what I thought when we first started this kinky ride. I've been thinking about my role a lot lately and have decided that I feel that slave represents my position in our relationship. I changed my D/s relationship status today on Fet so that makes it legit and shit, right?!?

Radical Acceptance and Freedom of Speech

So about three or so months ago we were in a pretty poor situation with our D/s. It was nearly non-existent and we eventually talked and decided that drastic changes needed to be made. We actually decided to fully drop the dynamic, since it was more of a painful joke than anything else, and I would take sometime to do some research, some soul searching and figure out who I am and what I need without the pressure and stress of trying to do it in the middle of our D/s. So things stopped and I got down to reading and though we weren't doing great, at least some of the pressure I tend to put on myself to be this "Domme" person was reduced. I didn't have the constant thought that I should be in some way controlling elle right now instead of just sitting here reading. In the first week or two we didn't really talk about what was going on and I felt very distant from elle and really much of our relationship. It was very sad, but I tried to keep it in my head that this was happening because I needed some time to figure things out so that when we did try again I had more self awareness and confidence.

In this short time, I think we both realized that what we thought was a complete lack of D/s before had actually been some aspects that had just become second nature that we didn't even consciously connect them to a power exchange any more. Yet when we actually acknowledged that we were going to stop all of it, these little things became more obvious in their absence. It was only a few weeks in before elle came to me and asked if we could bring a little bit back because she was really missing even just the bit that we had. I was too. Slowly we have been building back up, we are talking more, and we are both doing our reading and thinking. I am still far off from really knowing what I want, what my vision for our future power exchange is, or what direction to lead my girl in in order to succeed this time around. Even still, things are going very well. I am taking more control and elle is following my lead more.

This leads me into what my actual topic of thought for this post is. A week or so ago, elle received her first punishment in quite sometime. If you read her post from earlier today you will know why she was punished, if you haven't, here is a brief summary. I have insomnia that is being treated relatively successfully right now with medication. Last week I saw my doctor again and it's been pretty well decided that I am just in a waiting period now until I see a sleep psychologist (this could take up to another year). I thought since a psychologist is basically just going to give me some methods of cognitive behavioural therapy that I could try to get a start on things by going through a workbook on the subject myself. I figured I would read a bit of that, read a bit of D/s and throw in a fiction novel here and there. elle saw my fractured focus as a threat to our progress and after stewing for a few hours told me what she thought. After her initial, halting question of "did I think I could focus on both books" she asked if I would like her opinion which I said yes. She explained her fear - we were going to loose our forward momentum if I let my focus turn to something else simultaneously. I hadn't considered this, so I thanked her for letting me know how she felt and for not burying her feelings for days, as she commonly does.

I was good with all the above. She is free to speak her mind and she did so very respectfully. The punishment came in, when hours later we were heading to bed and she begged for a punishment because she was feeling guilty for second guessing my decision to read the book. With this she put me in a tough spot. I didn't feel she needed to be punished for speaking her mind when there is no restriction in place. I thought she did so respectfully and I often ask for her opinion because I have an intelligent, thoughtful girl. She made a valid point, which I happened to understand and agree with. Whether I would loose my focus, I don't know, but we are doing so well I didn't want to jeopardize that when it brought up fears in elle.

She was however ignoring my side of our conversation when I thanked her for telling me her feelings and that I was not upset with her for doing so. But she felt she did wrong and took it upon herself to decide for me that she needed to be punished. Now another Domme may say that I was giving her exactly that by still punishing her, that they would not have punished her, would let her stew in her guilt, and the lack of punishment and clearing of her conscience would have been the punishment. I don't work in that way. I still gave her a hard, painful spanking. We have wooden handled, rubber...I'm not even sure what you would call it...we call it 'the mother fucker'. It's about eight inches long, one inch wide and half inch thick piece of rubber and it can mother fuckin hurt. It doesn't take much to take it from wonderful pain to painful punishment. I told her why she was actually being punished and once I felt she had, had enough I forgave her and told her it is all behind us.

She is not good at letting things go and forgiving herself. She is still feeling guilty and I don't know what to say. A writing assignment may be the way to proceed with this as she is still going against me but I know it is not a wilful rebellion. Growth involving self forgiveness and letting things go are part of what I need to focus her training on. Radical acceptance as she calls it.

elle desperately wants and needs to have control taken from her, but there is a part that fights tooth and nail against being dominated when it isn't exactly in line with her idea of what that looks like. Such as me telling her she is to make the call to order the sperm I have chosen. Her thought was that I would pick, she wouldn't know any details and when it came time to inseminate that would be the first time she had anything to do with that part of the process. My idea however is to pick the sperm, which I have done, not tell her anything about the donor and make her order this completely anonymous sperm that is going to be used to make her pregnant. Too me that puts my control over her body and the choosing of the sperm much more in her face; to her it gives her a responsibility with the sperm and access to information that can be used to find out about the donor. I think it may come down to me just flat out ordering her to call. I have listened to and considered her side; I have chosen to stay with my original plan. This is where we come down to whether free speech needs to actually be restricted. Perhaps it would help with her guilt to know that she can't just tell me what she thinks on everything hoping I will change course and she will realize that there are times when I may not even want to here her side; I just want her to do what I say.

T minus one hour seven minutes until The Walking Dead! That means time for me to get on with a few other things before the fabulous zombies return. Are your ready for the zombie apocalypse?

Journalling

Part of the reason that I haven't written since last time is that I am also keeping a paper journal. To be honest, I am not a computer kind of girl and I find it almost cold to type out my feelings on a keyboard than to pick up my favourite pen and a book and write. But upon learning last night that there are at least a few people who read my/our ramblings I thought that I'd transcribe some of what I have been writing in my journal to here.

When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?

Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and  it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.

Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.

Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!

Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.

Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar  and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.

Hello Again! Maybe Baby?!?

I had a choice. Once upon a time I had a choice. Now I don’t, I don’t have any say at all in fact. And that’s the way She and I both want it.

Here’s some background info that will help clear things up. Lee and I have been in the process of jumping through all of the hoops of trying to have a baby! It all started officially last spring with a visit to our doctor for a referral to a fertility clinic since we can’t do things the old fashioned way. Since then we (well, mostly me since I will be carrying out baby) have had to have a variety of tests and I had minor surgery but we have finally have gotten to the point where we are ready to order our donor sperm and start actively trying.

Now, back to the topic at hand, my lack of choice. In the beginning of the baby process it was assumed that we would choose a donor together. After the first time we looked we decided that I wasn’t going to be involved in the initial selection. To me it didn’t matter. The way I explain it to friends and family is like this: when you are choosing a mating partner you don’t choose someone that has the qualities that you want your future children to have. So it really doesn’t matter, to me, what colour hair the person has, what they do for a living or anything else. But it does to Lee. She had read a book of short stories, one of which talked about the “other mother” choosing the donor. So we decided we would do that too, Lee would narrow it down to a few choices and we would pick one from those together. This was the plan for many months until recently when I asked Her to take away that choice.

More background info. Lee and I have been really focusing on getting our D/s running more smoothly lately. Since moving we have had a lot of good intentions and a few good attempts but for one reason or another we always “fell off the bandwagon". Lately we have been going well. Also, we have come to the realization that we feel more closely relating to the Daddy/girl labels than Domme/sub one. I almost exclusively call Lee Daddy in private and at kink-friendly events so I am going to use that here instead of Madam, which we have all but abandoned (we have talked about trying out Sir for more formal and /or play situations).

In our relationship, Lee owns me entirely. She is not required to, but often does, consult me about what is done with Her property, anything from my body or our home. I trust Her to make safe, sound choices for us and i have chosen to follow Her. So because of our renewed effort in our D/s I have had a substantial increase in my feelings of submission (obviously!).

And back to the main event again. I imagine that is what spurred my decision to give over the donor choice entirely to Daddy about two weeks ago. I had thought about it for days and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it showed my commitment to our dynamic and relationship.

Telling Lee that I didn’t want to be involved in choosing the donor has been a source of a huge emotional conflict for me though. When I told Her that I felt very submissive giving up this choice She told me that, for Her, it had nothing to do with ownership. For Lee, having exclusive choice of the donor was more about contributing what She could to the making of our baby. Hearing Her say that took away the feeling of being owned immediately. It was so devastating to hear Her say that. For the past few days I had been walking around in a bubble of submission and service to Lee and that bubble popped. One cannot be owned without someone owning them, right? Daddy wasn’t claiming ownership over my body and reproductive rights so that means I still have control over it? I can still say no to whomever She chooses? I struggled with feeling like I had just been abandoned.  During that time I felt very unsure of how I was going to be able to fully submit to someone who I felt like didn’t want total control of my body. We played and during that scene Lee landed a pretty hard boot kick in a not nice hurt kind of way. The next day I had a huge black/purple bruise, and I don’t bruise easily. Daddy was so excited that She had finally marked me but at the same time sad that she wouldn’t be able to reproduce it since it was a bad hurt. I didn’t think much of it and we went about our day. I can’t remember exactly how long after (the next evening maybe?) She was admiring it again. I, out of nowhere, blurted out that I would let Her do it again any time to see that look on Her face. At that exact moment I had that same owned feeling wash over me again. I am coming to the realization that I am the kind of submissive that really requires the “active” Dominant type. I have known that I need it but I am realizing that I really function best as a submissive/slave when Daddy’s presence is felt strongly in my soul. Again after the pain realization I was in my submissive bubble as I am now coming to understand it as.

On a semi-related topic, we have been to two meetings of the local MAsT group. Which is nice because we have both been feeling isolated and I think we might be able to make some good friends through this group.

Yes I know I ignored the fact that it's been months since either one of us have posted anything. I hope to get back into writing here on our little blog, though I’m sure there is nobody actually reading this, it helps to write out my thoughts and organize them into something semi-coherent.