i don't know what to do. i feel lost and i don't know how to get back on track. i have lost my motivation and drive to serve Lee. Doing my daily tasks have become more than just chores, they have become something i abhor. i feel myself resenting that i have to do them, that i am contained here in our apartment, working away while my education that i worked so hard at is being wasted and that my work in our home goes virtually unnoticed. i went to school for a year to become a professional, someone who would have a positive impact on the lives of the people in my community but i am not using my education at all. And as much as i enjoy being a stay-at-home submissive/housewife. Maybe if i hadn't gone to school i wouldn't feel this way, like i wasted my time then and am now wasting my talent/knowledge.
i also feel like Lee has been lacking in providing me with any leadership. i have known from the beginning that She is passive but i thought that She would step up a bit more than She has. i have been acting out a lot in the last week or so, talking back, pushing her buttons, being lazy with my chores, etc but have there been any consequences for my actions? Nope. That's not entirely true... one night last week we were making sandwiches and i started to joke with Lee that i should be the Madam since She was listening to me so well and pushed it a bit far. She ordered me to turn around, bend over and pull down my pants... i thought She was joking but when i didn't move she did it for me and gave me three relatively light spanks on my bottom. But to be honest it shocked me that She did anything and that was more the feeling that i had rather than "being told/put in my place".
Lee and i talked a bit about this last night. She says that She wants this to work. The problem is that i'm not holding my breath that anything is going to change. i still don't think that She's in it wholeheartedly. i feel like there is a lack of ownership of Her role in our dynamic. She doesn't offer me any leadership. She is too "nice". i want and need someone who will get stern, who will hold me accountable to my end of the bargain. i don't think that that's Her and me serving Her domestically, sexually or otherwise isn't going to change that.
i don't know how to get her to hold up her end of the deal. How does one submit to the will of another while trying to get them to own up to their promise? How do i get Her to be the strong leader that i want? If She isn't meant to be is it right that i push Her into being something that She isn't? Wouldn't that be just as bad as forcing a gay person to act straight? Or a leftie to use their right hand? i was the one that brought D/s into our lives maybe it's up to me to recognize that it isn't going to work and end it.
But i don't know if i can or want to turn off that part of me that i have finally let out. If it came down to it though would i end my relationship with Lee to continue my involvement in D/s? Is it fair to Her if i stayed with Her if we do decide to end the D/s part of our relationship and i wasn't 100% satisfied?
i guess it comes down to whether she wants to change, whether she wants to become more assertive, more of a leader. Is She cut out to be a 24/7 Domme?
Sorry if this seems to ramble or if i have jumped all over the place, i am just thinking out loud, so to speak.
And to Lee, please don't be upset by what you have read, i don't mean to insult You, blame You for everything that is not going so hot or anything like that. Your little one loves and respects You very very very much.
Perhaps you just need to get out of the house? Do you not have a job because you are having difficulty finding one? If so why not go and do some volunteer work? It will get you out of the house and give you a sense of accomplishment for the community. So what if it's not in the field you studied for, you'll eventually get your dream job as long as you keep chasing it. Think of your volunteer work as your enjoyable compromise from your dream job until you can get it.
ReplyDeleteYou need to remember that this is all new for your Madame, she hasn't seemed to jumped into her role as quickly as you have. Perhaps she just needs time to slide into it. I noticed that one of the rules that you guys have is that you aren't suppose to enjoy your punishments. Perhaps what you both need is to have 2 sets of punishments given out. One that is meant to be enjoyed for both of you, such as something that would make you beg since your Madame seems to like that, then a punishment to put you in your place. Perhaps a practice like this will help your Madame to think of punishments as being a good thing and get her to be more willing to dish them out.
Perhaps even coming up with a rough list of punishable behavior that is deserving of more rougher punishments would also help? That way when your Madame realizes that she has been letting things slip for too long and it's probably been upsetting you, you can be punished to an extent that makes up for punishments missed and reassures you of her want to be in charge rather then having you feel shocked that you finally got a reaction out of her. Perhaps you could both discuss what kind of punishments those could be so your Madame will know what to do when it happens rather then being put on the spot to think of something appropriate. It would probably also help to reassure your Madame that she isn't giving you too harsh a punishment since I'm hoping when you think up said punishments you will keep your well being and limits in mind.
From reading your blog, I'll admit I haven't read every single post but I have read the ones that really appealed to me (which might as well have been all of them), I think that your Madame does enjoy her role and has the potential to become a great Domme. You've written yourself that she enjoys hearing you beg and she's written that she felt hurt when you took your collar off and dropped it in her lap. I think these are two signs of someone that enjoys being a Domme. She just needs sometime to get used to the idea that the way she's treating you isn't the same as the way she's been treated in the past but instead a beautiful way of showing her love for you.
If you really feel like you need things to move faster perhaps you both need a mentor. Someone to show your Madame how to handle you and reassure her that what she's doing is ok. This would also help take the frustrations of topping from the bottom off of you.
I really feel like I should share some info with you so excuse the story, I swear it has a point. When I was looking for someone to hook up with on fetlife I came across a user that was new to the lifestyle. He had written that he had been introduced by an ex to it but back then he had difficulty associating hitting her as showing his love for her so in the end she broke it off. So now he's on fetlife looking to explore that side of him now that he's finally been able to get over the lesson he learned as a kid, to never hit a woman. I would hate for the same thing to happen to you. I do think your Madame has the potential to be a domme and it would be a shame for her to realize it when it was too late.
I think you both have great potential to live a happy 24/7 lifestyle and I really hope you guys work out. I hope I have helped a bit and I look forward to reading your next entry.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to read our blog and commenting. You have some good suggestions. They are more than welcome.
Since reading my last post Lee had upped the ante somewhat, so to speak. i think she is realizing that we both need to put more effort in this to get the ball rolling (if you haven't noticed i am a huge analogy user lol).
i will try to post another entry soon to update our progress and am trying to encourage Madam to write more so we all can hear her side of the story, since after all it is supposed to be our blog!!